My boyfriend is just the best guy imaginable.
Especially for a girl with bpd. His patience has been infinite.
I cannot say the same about myself.
I'm awful. Every fight we've had, I've started.
I test him. Push the limits. See how far I can go.
If he so much as uses a harsh tone with me,
I immediatly break down.
Huddled in the corner crying and shaking.
So scared he's going to hit me, or worse, leave me.
I feel so pathetic.
I wish I could just snap out of it.
Sometimes I feel like an actor who cannot break character.
I think to myself, "he doesn't deserve this"
I try so hard to practice my DBT skills.
But sometimes I wonder,
Maybe I'm just destined to be alone?

i woke up feeling good today
so i popped some popcorn and brewed some tea
then settled to surf the web.
after devouring my breakfast, i was feeling a little fat.
Ok, a lot fat. i could feel the FAT solidifying in my stomach
then i stumbled upon some pictures of skinny bitches.
i felt sick
i dont have a gap between my thighs
my collar bones arent that well defined
my stomach isnt flat
any good feeling i woke up with is now gone
any beauty i saw in the mirror is now gone
replaced with fat. fat. fat.
thinking about hitting the streets and scoring some adderall
going on a drug binge to take some weight off..

Borderline Personality Disorder
what would be a bad feeling for you.. a ripple in the water.. to me is a crashing wave.
there is no regulation of emotion for me. its all or nothing. good or bad. black or white.
you want me to just act and be normal. i tried but its no use. its my personality.
when im Alone i cant tell if anyone was ever really there.
Alone is the worst feeling for me, yet i always feel Alone.
sometimes i feel so much negative emotion i just need to bleed it out.
sometimes i cut so i'll feel Something, Anything, besides Empty.
i feel so Small compared to my problems.
you say i'm making mountains out of molehills
but to me all i see are mountains.

Bipolar Disorder
Fear. Paranoia. Anxiety. Panic. Euphoria. Anger. Regret. Despair.
my moods change just like that. and i dont understand why.
sometimes things get too intense and i reach out for help.
medication to take, to forget, to hate, but always to take.
should i skip a dose im up for days. so manic.
then i crash. i cut. i stop eating. i cry for days.

its a cycle i cant get out of by myself. Alone

i have been on Prozac (psychiatrist stopped prescription because i wasn't taking it anyways) Seroquel (stopped taking it because the sleepiness terrified me) and Abilify (stopped taking because it bummed me out and made me dull) and i am just livid! when i went back in to see my doc, i told her i will not take abilify but i would look at other options, or maybe taking something along with the abilify. but she would not hear it. she said it was her medical opinion that i stay on abilify for another month. i'm starting to think im not in need of mood stabilizers if it leaves me with no mood at all! would it really be that bad if i cut off ties with my psychiatrist and headed out into the world on my own, with no medications? i dont think i would wreak havoc or anything. would it really be that bad if i just handled the mood swings as they came and learned to "go with the flow" ? i might experiment with this idea..