Im a 20 yr old male

its been about 2 months now since ive come down with what i believe to be HOCD, and i believe it came from what I had before that which is classified as ROCD..but anyway, when the HOCD first came about i was experiencing all of the symptoms that any other person would have that has HOCD anxiety, intrusive thoughts, nausea, groinal responses, and for me i have anal sensitivity that wont go away.

I have a girlfriend whom which i love, or i thought i did since the ROCD came along from my friend asking me a question about a "dream girl" about 4-5 months ago, and i thought about one of my friends thats a girl,, and that hurt me deeply to basically wake up and feel like i dont love my girl anymore, i went crazy. I broke up with her because i didnt know what else to do. We got back together a few days after, but i knew i wasnt on the same level as she was even though i really wanted to be so it was like i was trying to force it, and I didnt know that what i had was ROCD maybe? until about 2 months ago when i started looking up things about HOCD. the ROCD stressed me so bad, i was emotionally numb, taking every little thing about my girlfriend and finding it annoying for some reason, but i really wanted to be with her, but the right way and i didnt know how, i was depressed. i started watching more and more porn and thinking about how life would be better without her, and how this other girl would be better, but i was trying to fight the thoughts because i really felt like i truely loved my girl and it would be a mistake so i stayed around. I was contantly looking at other girls and comparing, i just wanted to flirt with other women, i loved women, but i loved my girl too, and we'd do anything for each other. i was putting alot of strain on my heart, battling these thoughts for almost 4 months...

and then out of nowhere i got hit with gay thoughts, i cant call exactly where it came from, i believe porn but im not sure. I was thinking about somebody performing anal sex on me and from there on it just snowballed into other gay thoughts that wont go away, things that i would never think about because ive NEVER been attracted to a man in any kind of way until this HOCD came along? only comparing myself to other dudes, wishing i was like that because i never felt like i was that great looking or anything..

I had all these symptoms of an HOCD person, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, nausea, suicidal thoughts, anal sensitivity..but now days it seems like i have no anxiety and these thoughts are pleasant or something, like im used to anxiety already or something from when i was going through the problems with my girl(who is still standing beside me through all this, after i broke up with her a 2nd time). I feel socially awkward, like im not the same person anymore, im always worried about looking gay, sounding gay with what i say and everything when im around my boys. like im supposed to be gay or something, like my mind is trying to tell me this is who i am, but i really dont want to be. whenever i think about a gay act being performed or something i feel nothing, a little nausea, but from what everyone always writes in their stories i feel like i should feel worse than this, thats what makes me feel like im gay or something..and when i try to think about how i want to go back before all this came about, my mind makes me feel like i could never be the same again and i cant imagine it the right way...i have no anxiety barely and when i go out i cant help but notice attractive people of the same sex, and it seems like ive lost my attraction towards women, which i had so strong before all of this, never a gay thought..the fact that i dont have anxiety is making me question myself deeply..let me say this too, i have had sex before, and plenty of it with my girl, and loved it. I never felt like i was the best, and i always felt like i finished early. and it also make me think ive never enjoyed sex as it is, which i...

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For the last 3 days ive been suffering from what i believe is HOCD...I believe it came from the stress i already had in my relationship..i had been emotionally numb for about 3 months in my relationship, wanting to get out of it but didnt know how to so i stayed and the stress grew and became part of me..i tried to push it off to the side,and stay in my relationship to see if it changed but i didnt...i believe the HOCD came from a random thought from when i was watching straight porn, ive always masturbated to naked women, and straight porn imagining that im the man...ive always been attracted to females, had plenty of sex in my relationship, fantasized about being with and flirting with other woman, never had a fantasy about another man....recently all that seemed to change when i had a thought about anal sex being performed on me, and that snowballed into other thoughts that i never had...never have i pictured myself with another male friend of mine or nothing, never had any type of emotional **** for another male..these thoughts make me think that i am gay, making me question what i do, what i say, making me sick, i cant eat, think intrusive thoughts...making me feel like im gay, when i know im not.......and the first two days i had serious anxiety, almost wanting to kill myself because i lost all attraction towards any female and it is killing me, now it seems like my anxiety is calming, almost like im accepting it or something, i would like to think im not gay but idk..wtf does this mean?