I'm 23 years old and I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago. But I've been struggling with it for much longer than that. Please try to avoid judging me when reading this post. I've messed up a ton because of my BPD, so much so, that it's probably easier to lay it all on the table. Now, honesty is one of the most important things to me.

-I struggled with my weight growing up (and still a little now)
-I dated an emotionally abusive man for 2.5 years, who was addicted to drugs, unfaithful and the heart of my downfall (perhaps the ultimate trigger)
-I've slept with countless men for money (100s of men)
-I've ruined marriages and families
-I've ruined my friendships
-I've crashed my car
-I've put myself in extremely harmful situations (sexually, physically, emotionally)
-I'm a narcissist

I know I should feel ashamed for what I've done, and trust me I am.

After all of that, I reached my breaking point and finally tried to get help. The first therapist I saw in years (I had seen one for depression when I was in middle school, after being tormented for my weight) looked me square in the eye and said "I'm sorry, but I can't help you". I think that was the ultimate low point in my life. And thats when I started going to DBT, which was extremely helpful. I graduated from my group after a year, graduated school after almost dropping out, got my dream job and started dating the love of my life, who knows about what I've done and accepts me for who I am. I was doing really well.

But lately, life is getting pretty difficult. I still have my job and my boyfriend and everything appears fine, but I've been battling anxiety, which is something very new to me. There are days when I get so stressed about work or my relationship and I spend hours gasping and trying to figure out how to draw a full breath. But the reasons why I'm stressing out don't even exist. And my wise mind knows that, but my emotion mind (the side from my BPD), always seems to get the best of me. Some days I cry before work on the train, just because the anxiety is so bad. I really just need someone to understand where I'm coming from, besides a therapist, because I don't really have time for that anymore because of my job.

I think this group is a place where I can feel okay in my own skin, at least a little more than I do now. It gives me a little faith that if I have a strong support system, I can get through this. And above all, it's really comforting to know that there are other people going through something similar to what I am going through. None of my friends ever understood why I am the way I am. Some completely turned their backs on me. Some kept me around because they thought that me always messing up was entertaining. But here, I think it's different, because we all can relate.

I really look forward to getting to know many of you and being able to support each other throughout this uphill battle with BPD. Thanks for reading my story.