I know my goal should be to reach self-forgiveness instead of craving forgiveness and acceptance from other people but the more I think about it, the less i think people would forgive me for my past actions and believe ive changed.
In my country radical feminism is becoming somewhat of a trend and men get exposed every single day. Now, this would be okay if it were actual rapists but its mostly teenaged or adult men who were maybe kind of creepy towards a girl but nothing too serious and people will already expose them, it goes viral and some have really bad consecuenses like them not getting accepted into college.
So if those people get exposed for doing kind of creepy but not really bad things then whats in it for me? I know i probably deserve it and these 5 months and counting of pure suffering and guilt are also punishment for my past actions but its so awful and frustrating to feel like such a different person from what i once was and truly having changed yet having your past chase you wherever you go.
Whenever i talk to my mom about this fear of what people would think of me if they knew about my past she tells me “nobody has to know! thats your private life”. But i dont WANT to have to hide it forever. Id like to find people who accept me with my flaws and my mistakes to feel like theres still hope for people who messed up, even as badly as i did, and regret it. And now im afraid if i tell someone they might expose me too. Obviously i was only planning on telling people really close to me but still.
Maybe this is kind of weird but a part of me might want to get exposed like that. Im constantly thinking about how much people would hate me and how theyd tell me to kill myself if they knew i feel like if i went through that id get to see what theyd really say about me and get it over with. Id also know that anyone who chooses to support me from that point on accepts me despite my mistakes. Im not going to go out of my way to get exposed though.
I remember when my biggest fear about all this was being a pedophile and while i still have pocd, now that i know im not one things arent any easier. I still dont know how to move on. I know not feeling guilt or remorse for my actions would only make me a worse person but i wish i could turn them off and forget about everything.
I am appartment hunting in the city ill soon be living in though, so maybe thats why im so anxious and full of guilt. Maybe its my fear of growing up, like my mom and my therapist say. However, i fear these feelings will chase me long after im settled in this new city. I fear ill never get over them and they’ll be in my head every day until i die.

I dont know how to properly describe what im feeling. Im miserable but not suicidal, i dont think i could kill myself plus its not like i feel like theres nothing to live for anymore. I think i could at least live for the small moments where im socializing and i get to forget about all of this, or at least live for my mom. I can endure the pain but i dont want my life to be something i have to endure. I think theres still some things id live for, like the possibility of getting a boyfriend. I know my mental state is too damaged but that shouldnt mean much. Theres this terrible guy from my country who killed his wife, his mother in law and his daughter, went to jail, got out and got married again. If thats not proof theres someone for everyone, idk what is.

My psychologist and my mom say that all the intrusive thoughts, the guilt and this feeling of having already ruined my life forever are just a manifestation of my fear of growing up and moving to a new city and going to college. I dont know, it might. And I want more than anything in the world for this to be something insignificant that im making a huge deal out of because im too dramatic and anxious. But it doesnt feel that way at all to me. It feels like a huge problem ill never get to run away from completely. Even if i had never even questioned if i was attracted to real life children before and i never felt like a pedophile, it still scares me that i ever found those pedophilic drawings and fanfiction hot.

I also remembered this sort of internet friend i used to have might have played a big part on why i ever thougth looking at that kind of stuff was okay. I remember i once tweeted that those kinds of drawings were wrong or something and she sort of subtweeted me and said they were just drawings and there was nothing wrong with them and one of her friends agreed. That happened again when i retweeted someone complaining about a sexual gore drawing and she disagreed with me so i started to question my opinion. Looking back on it, she was older than me (20 something) and of course she got a lot of hate because she liked those kinds of messed up fictional stuff but she was also dating a 16 or 17 year old. At the time i defended her because i was also like 16 and i didnt understand how wrong it was. I dont think she was a bad person at all and Im also not blaming her, she never put a gun to my head and told me to read those disgusting comics and stories and i have to take responsiblity for my actions and know its my own fault im feeling like this. But while I know she had an extremely rough life and thats the reason she did those things i also look back and realize how inappropriate her actions were, she’d sort of flirt with me, i mentioned i took nude pictures (in a friend sort of way? not trying to flirt with her) and she asked me to send them to her, suggested we meet up, etc.

I dont know, even i feel like theres not much purpose to my life and i feel like everyone would hate me if they knew about all of this and i feel disgusting i have no choice but to keep going. Hopefully one day ill stop seeing this as such a huge deal.

I havent written here in a long time and Im pretty disappointed i feel the need to write here again. I felt like i was doing so well and i was truly getting better each day. It felt like a huge improvement.

But then, I moved to a new house, I stopped going to my french classes and Im oveall really lonely and with nothing to do. And i think that big change and lack of stimulation and activities in my life made me take a few steps back in my progress, which makes me really disappointed in myself.
The disturbing intrusive thoughts keep coming back. Mostly things with feces or torture or kids or animals or my mom or all that mixed up together into something that disgusts and disturbs me. They all mainly surround my mom because shes the person i care about the most and its basically the last thing id want to think about so its what hurts me the most. I dont know if ive mentioned it here before but i think these intusive thoughts are some sort of messed up self-punishement i unknowingly inflicted onto myself because i cant 100% forgive myself from having liked those fictional sexual drawings and stories about pedophilia. The worst part is that having these thoughts have become a daily routine for me. At this point im expecting to have them. And i keep thinking "dont have any bad thoughts, dont have any bad thoughts" which makes me have them even more because i constantly have them on my mind.

Im also still very scared of what people might think of me if they knew about the things i've done. I see people on the internet calling others who are into the things i used to be into pedophiles and even though i know im not a pedophile and i dont consider other people i used to follow online who were into it to be one, it still terrifies me that some people might think that of me and want me dead.
But ive also talked to people online who basically told me that as long as i regret it and i dont look at that kind of stuff anymore im forgiven? So maybe people just throw around the word pedophile to emphazise and they dont actually think drawings of fictional characters and fictional stories count as child porn. Or at least i really, really hope so. The other day i got a lot of anxiety because i read an article that said that tumblr was banning all nsfw content because of child pornography and it terrified me that maybe they meant the kind of loli/shota drawings i used to look at. I mean, i dont know if its generally considered child porn. I never thought it was and if it were i think a lot more people would be talking about how they sell that kind of content in the middle of the streets in japan or how its available everywhere online or how in pretty much every anime theres sexualized underage characters.

Deep down i know i should probably detach myself from terms like "pedophile" or "child pornography". Sometimes im online and i read something like "pedophiles are bad!" or whatever and even though of course i agree, i get upset and anxious because i feel like somehow that includes me. Even if a sentence like that did include people who looked at fictional drawings and stories i dont do that anymore and theres a huge difference between doing something bad and having done something bad in the past and regretting it.

Im just so scared of never being able to get through this and getting worse and worse every time. Im just so disappointed in myself because it felt like i was doing better than ive ever had in these past 5 months and now it feels like i just took 20 steps backwards. Worrying over the same things i swore id stop thinking about for good, having even more messed up intrusive thoughts that make me want to hit my head against the wall 100 times...
But i know i cant stop trying. Its harder to start all over again but i really cant let this consume me. If i cant forgive myself and let go of all this guilt and shame and disturbing thoughts by my own willpower one day ill probably just grow desensitized...

[ Continued ]

Thankfully, im still doing well. Ive learned to let go of the guilt a bit better but sometimes, like today, i feel guilty because i wonder whether im doing something wrong right now. Even if i start to feel a little better about my past mistakes i fear i might be making more mistakes in the present day.

Im just so scared of what people would think of me and my actions because i know theres so many self righteous people on the internet (mainly on places like tumblr) that will judge others for everything and will always find a way to make you feel like what you used to think was normal is somehow creepy or gross. I now know they were right about some things, like sexualizing underage characters being wrong and the porn industry taking advantage of the actresses. But there are other things i dont really agree with and that makes me feel like im somehow a bad person.

I know this is mainly just me being afraid of being judged and wanting to be considered a good person by everyone and my self esteem and self worth issues in general rather than me questioning my own morals again but i cant help feeling a bit bad about it.

Its not even that ive been reading anything too inappropriate lately, maybe just some dubcon and ive only read nsfw stuff with characters over 18. Sometimes i even feel guilty over my opinions, like for example, i wonder if the fact that i dont see ddlg as wrong makes me a bad person because everyone is so against it. And i dont really get it because everyone seems to be ok with things like daddy kink. Is it because ddlg gets a lot more into the whole ageplay roleplay? Is calling your boyfriend daddy okay but getting into ddlg is crossing some sort of line?. I really dont get it. Maybe im wrong because it is roleplaying after a father and their child in a sexual scenario but on the other hand its between consenting adults... Ive never been one to judge others based on that but maybe i should if i want to be a good person.

I know this sounds really creepy but i genuinely wonder what "normal" people get off to. If real life pornography is bad because they force the actresses to do things they normally wouldnt consent to and fictional pornography is bad because many of them explore problematic things then whats left? Do these self righteous people really abstain themselves from most things out there and are only able to handpick the few ones they deem 100 percent unproblematic or are they just hypocrites and they secretly read/watch the same things they claim to hate?

I really wish i didnt have these types of problems. I feel like im just annoyed at my feelings at this point, its been months of feeling like this. I wish i didnt have to live in all these fantasies but i honestly dont know how else to entertain myself, id miss it too much if i just quit reading fanfiction entirely, even though it sends me on these guilt trips every once in a while.
I dont even know how to talk about all of this with my therapist because id have to explain to her what things like daddy kink or ddlg are and that would be too humilliating. But i know she said that if i happen to think something is okay now and then later on i decide its wrong, then thats okay and i dont have to feel bad about not making an immediate decision and changing my mind later on.

Ahh, i know ill probably grow out of all of this and it will all seem smaller and much less dramatic when im older. So ill try my best to worry less for now.

Ever since i realize all of that fictional stuff i had been reading was wrong and i remembered all of the other bad things id done and started questioning whether i was a good person or whether i deserved forgiveness ive been having a bit of an identity crisis.

Like ive mentioned before its been hard for me to get back into reading sexual stuff without feeling guilty, i question every sexual thing i consume, wondering if its actually problematic or something i shouldnt be seeing. I thought id just cut all fictional sexual stuff involving children and that was it but its a lot harder than that. Now things i wouldnt consider bad but maybe a bit weird make me feel ashamed too.

Right now, what i think about the most is whether incest in fiction is wrong. I can see why stuff like parent/kid thing is wrong, but when it comes to sibiling incest between adults i feel like the appeal is more that its a forbidden romance and something taboo. Its such a common fetish you even see it in movies or regular romance novels that pull the "we're actually long lost sibilings!" cliché. As of now, i swore to myself id never read anything with sexualized kids ever again and im satisfied with that. But the fact that im not yet willing to swear to myself that ill stay away from reading anything incest related makes me feel guilty, like im not willing to truly change and become a good person. And i really, trully, am willing to change. But i cant lie to myself and i cant just say something is wrong because others think it is. If someone actually explained to me why incest in fiction is considered wrong and why i should never read about it again and i found it convincing i would 100 percent swear to stay off of it. But as of right now i feel like the guilt only originates from the fact that i know other people consider it wrong and theyd judge me for not thinking that way. And i cant just let guilt completely strip me away from my opinions and just repeat what everyone else says in fear of being judged.
For example, i know the majority of people look down on ddlg. But i dont think theres anything wrong with it and i probably never will. I cant just force myself to hate it because i want others to view me as a good person.

This is so stupid because i dont even want to look up incest stuff right now. I dont even know if ill ever want to again!. And maybe the answer will come to me naturally with time, but i feel like if i dont make a decision now its like im not willing to change for the better or whatever.

Another thing thats been bugging me is that i decided to stop sexualizing teenage characters because im 18 now and people say thats wrong so i started feeling guilty. That meant dropping a whole lot of interests i used to have when i was a teenager that would now make me feel uncomfortable because youre supposed to find the characters attractive and i dont want to sexualize them.
But then ill see people on the internet sexualizing teenage characters when they're over 20 and i sort of feel like maybe im being stupid because theyre just cartoons? even my psychologist said it wasnt wrong. I mean, i dont really regret my decision to stop sexualizing teenage characters since it makes me feel more at ease. Plus, i think considering my past with having sexualized child character before maybe i dont deserve to like teenage characters anymore and i should just stick to the +18 ones just in case. But teenage characters ARE the majority when it comes to anime or dating sims. So it feels like i cant enjoy those types of things anymore.

I dont really want to talk to my therapist about this, which only makes me feel more guilty because it feels like im somehow lying by omission. She says i look better lately, more at ease but my head is still clouded by all of these meaningless thoughts that somehow mean so much to me.

I wish i could have some kind of judge of whats right and whats wrong and what i should do and what i shouldnt. Im willing to do ...

[ Continued ]