I know my goal should be to reach self-forgiveness instead of craving forgiveness and acceptance from other people but the more I think about it, the less i think people would forgive me for my past actions and believe ive changed.
In my country radical feminism is becoming somewhat of a trend and men get exposed every single day. Now, this would be okay if it were actual rapists but its mostly teenaged or adult men who were maybe kind of creepy towards a girl but nothing too serious and people will already expose them, it goes viral and some have really bad consecuenses like them not getting accepted into college.
So if those people get exposed for doing kind of creepy but not really bad things then whats in it for me? I know i probably deserve it and these 5 months and counting of pure suffering and guilt are also punishment for my past actions but its so awful and frustrating to feel like such a different person from what i once was and truly having changed yet having your past chase you wherever you go.
Whenever i talk to my mom about this fear of what people would think of me if they knew about my past she tells me “nobody has to know! thats your private life”. But i dont WANT to have to hide it forever. Id like to find people who accept me with my flaws and my mistakes to feel like theres still hope for people who messed up, even as badly as i did, and regret it. And now im afraid if i tell someone they might expose me too. Obviously i was only planning on telling people really close to me but still.
Maybe this is kind of weird but a part of me might want to get exposed like that. Im constantly thinking about how much people would hate me and how theyd tell me to kill myself if they knew i feel like if i went through that id get to see what theyd really say about me and get it over with. Id also know that anyone who chooses to support me from that point on accepts me despite my mistakes. Im not going to go out of my way to get exposed though.
I remember when my biggest fear about all this was being a pedophile and while i still have pocd, now that i know im not one things arent any easier. I still dont know how to move on. I know not feeling guilt or remorse for my actions would only make me a worse person but i wish i could turn them off and forget about everything.
I am appartment hunting in the city ill soon be living in though, so maybe thats why im so anxious and full of guilt. Maybe its my fear of growing up, like my mom and my therapist say. However, i fear these feelings will chase me long after im settled in this new city. I fear ill never get over them and they’ll be in my head every day until i die.