*edited to take out names - forgot they were there until now*

I feel better today, thankfully. Self harm urges are still there, but that's nothing new.

New Year's Eve today. I'm over at my mother's house, with my mother, my sister, and my sister's best friend. I've just sent my mother off to get berry cider. I'd get it myself, but I lost my passport, so I have no ID, and despite being 23, I'm nearly always asked for ID when I'm buying alcohol.

I have no New Year's resolutions. I used to make them, but I can never keep them, so I don't bother any more.

Last year I made a list of resolutions. I actually forgot about them before now. I'll put them down here.

1. Get out of hospital
(managed that one, but ended up back in)

2. Start another evening class
(didn't do this)

3. Finish evening class
(didn't do this one either)

4. Visit London
(I was near London, and flew into Stansted Airport, does that count?)

5. Get a yearly membership for the cinema
(didn't do this)

6. Buy a new coat
(I did this)

7. Buy another dress
(I did this too)

8. Lose weight
(ha, I wish, I put on loads)

9. Find new music for my ipod
(Did this)

10. Stay at V's new house
(Yes!)

11. See D again
(Several times)

12. Stay with Dad in Wales for a week or so
(Did this)

13. Have a friend stay at my apartment
(I had my best friend and her girlfriend stay for a night)

14. Buy a new backpack
(I stole my sister's instead)

15. Arrange another SG meet-up
(SG is a forum I post on. I did this, but only with 2 or 3 people)

16. Get back into the habit of walking
(Didn't do this)

17. Get my toilet fixed
(I did this)

18. Get Kitten vaccinated
(I did this)

19. Get my shoes re-heeled
(I just bought a new pair)

20. Dye my hair purple
(Didn't do this)

21. Go out with friends for my birthday
(I went shopping and to get something to eat with 2 of my friends, even though I was inpatient at the time)

22. Meet up with R and A outside of hospital
(I did this)

23. Go to the carnival
(I didn't do this. My haemoglobin was really low when the carnival was on, and I could barely walk. Then I ended up in hospital)


24. Stay with T
(I did this)

25. Visit B at college
(Didn't do this)

26. Buy new socks, without holes
(I switched to wearing tights all the time)

27. Wear some shorter skirts or dresses
(I did this!)

28. Download or buy season 4 of Dexter
(I did this)

29. Find at least one new series to watch
(I did this)

30. Go to a concert
(Didn't do this)

Happy New Year everyone!

I stopped taking my lexapro (anti depressant) over a week ago. I don't really know why. I missed a day, simply because I forgot to take it, and felt ok, so thought I may as well continue not taking it. My psychiatrist would kill me if she found this out. I have a history of being non-compliant with my medication, either by not taking it or by overdosing on it and therefore running out too soon. She'd probably try to put me back on an injection if she knew. She's always going on about anti-psychotic injections. First of all, I don't think I need an anti-psychotic. Second of all, being injected with psych meds always feels somewhat degrading to me.

Anyway, I'm not sure if it's coincidence or not, but I've been feeling particularly awful the last couple of days. Physically, I keep getting headaches and feeling nauseous. Mentally, my anxiety levels are rising, which hasn't happened for a couple of months. I feel even more empty than usual, and have to push myself to do things that need to be done. The urges to self harm have increased. I'm not sleeping properly either. Whether this is because of withdrawal, because I might actually need to be taking an anti depressant, or just coincidence, I don't know.

I hate taking meds, but maybe I should start taking my lexapro again, just to see if it makes me feel better. I mean, it's only 1 tablet. Up until a couple of months ago, I was on a higher dose of lexapro, lyrica, seroquel, largactil, and the occasional xanax. I was taken off all of them except the lexapro when I was admitted to hospital, because my haemoglobin was so low, and they were afraid that the medication would put extra strain on my body, and my heart would just give out. When my haemoglobin went up, they talked about putting me back on the other medication, but I'd gotten over the withdrawals by then, and was actually feeling better with less medication, so it was decided that I'd just continue with the lexapro. Then a couple of weeks ago, my doctor found out that high doses of lexapro can damage your heart, so she reduced it.

Yes, I think I'll start the lexapro again. Even when I was taking it regularly, I was still feeling self destructive, still planning major acts of self harm, but I wasn't as anxious, and didn't feel so unmotivated. Here's hoping starting the lexapro again does actually make things better.

*possible trigger*


I feel like screaming.
I want to hurt myself so much.
If I cut, it'll be discovered when I go back to the hospital.
I don't have enough pills to take any sort of significant overdose.
Although that could be easily fixed, I suppose.
I wouldn't take anything that'd make me too ill. Just enough so that I feel some sort of effect from it.
Who knows? I'll think about it.

What I really want is to see blood. I hate my psychiatrist for refusing to discharge me from hospital altogether. I mean, by the time I go back on Tuesday, I'll have only been in hospital for a couple hours during the previous week and a half. So why not just discharge me?

I met up with a friend today. That was nice. She had to go out afterwards though, so we didn't talk for very long. I wish we'd talked longer.

I got a text from another friend asking if I'm avoiding her. This is because I didn't talk to her on facebook chat, even though I was online, and because I didn't answer one of the many pointless and meaningless texts she sends me every day. She never tells me anything about her life, or how she's doing, but she wants to know every single detail about my life. She'll text to ask how I am. I'll reply, ask how she is. The answer is always ok. Then a few hours later, she'll text asking how I am again. If I don't reply quickly, she'll keep texting and asking if I'm ok, until I reply. I'll mention I'm out somewhere. She'll want to know where, who I'm with, what I'm doing. Then later, when she knows I'm back home, she'll text again and ask how my time out went.
Seriously, I need some space!

Life seems so pointless, so meaningless. Everyone dies in the end anyway, no matter what sort of life they lead.

Everyone thinks I'm doing great. Little do they know. I have to be very careful about what I say, because I'm not officially discharged yet.

I went back to see my doctor this morning, and she let me go home until next Tuesday.

I had an argument with her. She wants to know about the "major" self harm I have planned for after my discharge. I refused to tell her.
She said she'd like to keep me in hospital until I change my mind about whatever I'm planning to do. I told her there's no point, I'm not going to change my mind, regardless of how long she keeps me in hospital.
She wanted to tell my mother that I have something planned. I told her there's no way I'm letting her do that, that it has nothing to do with my mother. I don't live with her. Also, I'm 23, not 5.

I told her I don't want to stop the self harm. She said that while I may not want to stop, it keeps landing me in hospital. I told her that's not going to happen again, and she took that as me saying I was going to kill myself. I told her I'm not going to kill myself, I just don't want to tell her what I have planned.

She wants to have another case conference before she considers discharge. I told her it's pointless, that nothing ever comes of case conferences, and that keeping me longer isn't going to change anything.

K sent me a text last week, asking what day we could meet up. I told him I didn't know, that my leave was being reviewed (really, I'm just not in the mood to see him at the moment). Then he texted me 2 days ago, asking the same question. I didn't reply. I got another text today, asking why I hadn't replied. I sent him a text back "I didn't reply because, as I told you, I don't know when I can meet you." (reading between the lines, "go away and leave me alone"). He said, "You could've let me know. I do worry a bit about you."

He's really starting to irritate me. Worry about me? If that's even true, which it may not be, he's not allowed to worry about me. He's not meant to be attached enough to worry. I sure as hell don't worry about him. And we never talk about my self harm, he hasn't mentioned it since the first time I met him, when, after sleeping with me, he asked "What are the scars from?" Like it wasn't obvious. I'd told him before I met him anyway, but he conveniently forgot. I guess it's easier to sleep with me if he ignores the scars, cuts and bandages. It's easier if he accepts the happy, confident, optimistic person that I pretend to be, rather than the messed-up person that I am.

I think I might be angry. Why am I angry?

I'm angry with K, either for worrying about me or for accepting the lies I tell him.

I'm angry with my psychiatrist, either for refusing to discharge me or for being unable to save me (which is unreasonable, I know that).

I'm angry with my psychologist, for forcing me to think about how I feel, for bringing up issues without being able to offer solutions.

I'm angry with my therapist, because even though I know she cares, sometimes it feels like she doesn't take me seriously. I told her once that I was going to kill myself, she didn't seem overly concerned, just said she'd see me at our next session. I tell her how upset I am about something, she tells me I just need to accept it.

I'm angry with my mother. She's better than she used to be, but it feels like it's "too little, too late." I'm angry with her for not trying, or for trying too hard. Sometimes she irritates me so much, simply by existing, that I can't stand to be anywhere near her. I feel like screaming at her, but I have no reason.

I'm angry with my father, for being so selfish. It's all about him, about how he feels, about what he wants. All those years he wasn't there (although realistically, he was never really there, even when we lived in the same house). My sister once confronted him about never contacting us, and he said he's "just not that type of person" (i.e. someone who makes the tiniest bit of effort to stay in touch with their children). If I want to see him, I have to let him know months in advance.

I'm angry...

[ Continued ]

Christmas.
I'm so bored.
I miss my other sister, I never realised how much better she made Christmas. I spoke to her on the phone earlier, but it's not the same.

I'm drinking. Malibu, peach schnapps, and tropical mi wadi. It's not helping my boredom though. I'm drinking as fast as I can though, which is easy, because it's so sweet it doesn't even taste like alcohol. I haven't even had breakfast yet.

I wish I could cut. I can't though, because I have to be back at the hospital on Wednesday, and I wouldn't be allowed out again if I cut.