My 14 year old sister attempted suicide.
My 21 year old sister, who was away doing volunteer work, had some sort of a breakdown and came home.
Then there's me. Suicide attempt a couple of weeks ago. Overdosing on antihistamines pretty much daily.
My mother keeps asking me what she did wrong, to cause all 3 of her children to be messed up. She doesn't really want an answer though, she just wants me to tell her that it's not her fault. Which I do. And it's true - she's not the perfect mother, but there are a lot more factors in this than just her. I just wish she'd find somebody else to reassure her, because I'm tired of it.

I practically had a breakdown in front of my psychiatrist on Monday. All she did was ask how I am, and I burst into tears. She was so nice though. It hurts so much to think that she's leaving soon.

I get to appeal being sectioned today. In less than 2 hours actually. I'm anxious. Waiting for antihistamines to make me numb. I have no idea what the outcome is going to be.

My brain is fried. 3 nights in a row taking antihistamines to get high/hallucinate. Tonight will be the 4th night. I'm sort of walking around in a daze all day, and having random mild hallucinations now and then. I don't mind it though.

I hallucinated one of my cats talking to me this morning. That was pretty cool actually.

Turns out it wasn't just one type of antihistamine my body reacts negatively to. A high dose of any antihistamine makes my body swell up and little blisters appear.

My 14 year old sister was home from the hospital for a couple of hours today. Apparently she told her psychiatrist she wanted to buy paracetamol while she was out, so every time she left the room, my mother freaked out and ran after her. I informed my sister that paracetamol causes a slow painful death from liver failure. I told her aspirin can mess up her hearing, and that both aspirin and ibuprofen can cause internal bleeding. Oh, what a hypocrite I am (apart from paracetamol, I never touch that stuff when I overdose). I suppose I could have told her not to do it or whatever, but I figure she has enough people doing that, and she may as well know what the possible consequences of certain actions are.

Therapist tomorrow.

*warning - incredibly long and some parts may trigger*
*please do not feel like you have to read, but if you want to, by all means go ahead!*


I decided to get high. I took various things I had lying around the apartment (none of them actually bought for the purpose of getting high). I'm not tell you what I took, because it probably is dangerous, thinking about it logically, but oh my God, I feel like I'm on ecstasy. It's been so long since I got high, so this feels doubly amazing.

I feel good right now. Not just ok, good. I am happy, I have energy, I feel like I love myself and every other person in the world. I'm supposed to be up in 4 hours, but I'm so wired, there's no way I'll be able to sleep. I'll just take a top-up dose before I go back to the hospital in the morning. Seeing my doctor and psychologist like this will be interesting. And technically I haven't broken any of their rules. I wasn't trying to hurt myself or make myself ill, I was just trying to get high.

I think I should go to Tesco soon, it's open 24 hours. Just think of all the amazing things I could buy!

I ordered R and A's Christmas presents online. I'm having them delivered to their address so that they get them sooner, and also so that if anything happens to me, they'll still get presents.

My cats have deserted me. I can't see either of them, even though I know they're around. Maybe I should call them. Kitten might not answer, but Merg might.
-I called them, no answer. I'll get up in a minute and find them.

Did I mention how good I feel?

I wish people on here weren't hurting so much. Especially mystic and lonely-girl. I wonder about Tayola too, she sort of reminds me of myself when I was younger (sorry sweetheart, if you find that an insult)
I wish I could hug all of you, make you all feel safe and loved.
Oh, and Infinite_Jester is awesome. We've been pm'ing a lot, and he's a really nice guy. I think if he lived near me, we'd be friends, proper friends that hang out together.

I have no idea how long this is going to be, because the feel of the keys on my fingers as I type is almost orgasmic (did I just say that?!). I think I need music.
-I have music. The Benjamin Gate. They're a Christian band, and I'm not sure where I stand with Christianity, but it's awesome music.

I feel like I could sit here for hours typing and listening to music. If this is getting too long for anyone reading, you can stop reading. I always get like this when I'm high. It started when I took pills with some friends once, and couldn't stop talking, and they got sick of it, so eventually told me to just write what I was thinking instead of saying it. And I discovered I liked writing when I'm high.

I have a suicide note to write. I don't know when I'm going to kill myself, probably not soon, but I should have a note prepared. I know not everyone who kills themselves leaves a note - it's not a requirement, but I like the idea of people having some sort of understanding of why I killed myself.

I've attempted suicide many times. And been close to death without being actively suicidal. That should scare me, but the closer I feel I am to death, the calmer I become. I remember back in 2008, I tried to kill myself by blood loss. It didn't work, but I felt so ill. I barely made it to the hospital the next morning. They told me my haemoglobin was dangerously low, and I could die at any time, but I refused treatment. So they sectioned me and got a court order to transfuse me. I was even in the paper over that, but wasn't mentioned by name. My haemoglobin has been close to or lower than that since, but I've learned my lesson, and I don't refuse treatment. Why bother refusing when you'll be forced to have it anyway?

Oh, how morbid of me to talk about suicide plans and attempts. My life is focused around it though. I live from one crisis to the next. My life is a rollercoaster, but it's mainly of my own making. I really should accept the help I'm being offered, I just don't know how to....

[ Continued ]

Today is a more positive day.

I had coffee with AM (she paid for me because I don't get paid until tomorrow, which was nice). I told her about feeling suicidal. It was good to be able to talk so openly.

I sent R a text, asking if I could call. She said ok, so I called her, and we talked for about 20 minutes. She's my best friend, but I do have to be careful what I tell her, because if she's really worried then she'll call my psychiatrist. She's called her before. And people from another forum I post on have emailed my psychiatrist about me (without my knowledge - at least until I was confronted about whatever they said). Hell, when I was 17, someone I was talking to online called the police on me, because I told her I was planning to kill myself.

Anyway, I'm going to stay with R and A on Thursday until Sunday. They said they have Christmas presents for me. I feel a little guilty that I haven't gotten theirs yet (maybe if I didn't keep buying things to facilitate my self destruction I could have afforded to buy their presents) but I will buy them things soon.

I tidied my apartment too. That's a big deal for me, because I hate tidying, and I've had no motivation to do so lately.

So today has been good. I still feel so conflicted though. Still feel desperate.

If I chose to, I could kill myself tonight. A huge part of me wants to, but there's that part of me saying, "Hold on a little longer. It's too soon."
I don't want to kill myself when my apartment is a mess. I don't want to kill myself until I write a new letter to everyone, because the letter I wrote already won't do. I don't want to kill myself before I see my psychiatrist again. I don't want to kill myself before I talk to my best friend.

I am hanging on, but it's literally by my fingertips.