I found out today that an online friend died. I don't know the details.
We weren't majorly close, but I've known her quite a while, we posted on 2 forums together, and we were facebook friends. I spoke to her on the phone once and had several MSN conversations with her.
I think I'm in shock. And I feel slightly guilty because I hadn't spoken to her in a while. It was always something I was going to get around to doing, but now I guess it's too late.

2 days before Christmas. It's so sad.

And selfishly, it brings me back to thinking about myself. I've been feeling suicidal lately. Researching possible suicide methods. And I wonder, if I went ahead and killed myself, how would everyone react? And then I think, what does it matter, I wouldn't be here.

My best friend is moving country next year.
My psychiatrist is leaving next year.
My sister recently moved. I saw her last weekend, made me miss her more now she's gone.

Everyone leaves. They distance themselves either physically or emotionally.
Friends, family, mental health professionals.

Meeting K next weekend. I need him to define our relationship. I can't handle uncertainty.
But what if he hates me for asking? I don't know what I want from him, but I don't want him to reject me.

People keep telling me I'd be better off without him. But do I deserve better?
I don't hate myself. At least I don't think so. Hating takes too much energy.
I dislike myself. But not with any sort of passion. It's a passive dislike. Something I don't really think about.

Saw my therapist yesterday. Once I started talking to her, I didn't really want to stop. I left feeling sort of sad though. Sad because she's so nice, but I can't let her help me. Sad because no matter how much I explain things to her or anyone else, they never fully understand.

To sum up who I am with one sentence:
BPD self harmer with occasional suicidal tendencies.

My life revolves around my self harm, which has been part of my life for 10 years.
Frequent hospital admissions in the last 6 years have ensured that my only friends are those I have met in hospital or those I have met online.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm incapable of truly caring for another human being. I can perform so-called selfless acts, but always with a selfish motive. I fin myself frequently irritated with those closest to me. In true BPD fashion, I alternately idealise and devalue people.

Consistency is important to me. However I seem unable to grasp it with regard to how I feel and act. I am determined though. When I fully commit myself to doing something, nothing can change my mind. Unfortunately what I commit myself to is usually some form of self destruction.

I am currently in hospital. My doctor is afraid to discharge me because she knows I have an act of self destruction planned for after Christmas, but I am refusing to tell her what it is. I pointed out that she can't keep me in hospital forever. She informed me that under the current order I'm being detained on, she can keep me until February without any further appeals.

At the moment, I'm finding abandonment to be a huge issue for me. I found out recently that my psychiatrist of 7 years, who I probably feel closer to than I really should, is retiring in May. I am devastated, but claimed when she asked me that it's not affecting me much.
My best friend, the one who knows and understands me more than anyone else in the world, is moving to another country next year. I know we can still talk and visit, but it's not the same. I'm terrified that there'll be no room for me in her new life, that she'll replace me.

The possible loss of my friend, and the loss of my psychiatrist, are bringing up a lot of pain and abandonment issues from the past.
My parents separated when I was 9, and I moved country with my mother and sisters. My father barely kept in touch after that, although he'd occasionally call and make promises to be a better father to us. Even now I only see him maybe once a year and get an occasional text message.
My grandparents, who practically brought me up, stayed in the same country as my father. I went from seeing them at least once a week and having them intimately involved in my life, to seeing them maybe once a year and talking to them on the phone occasionally.

My grandparents barely know anything about my life. They know about my self harm and past hospital admissions, but think I'm "better". I keep deceiving them because I don't want to hurt them or to feel like they're ashamed of me.
My father knows little about my life. Then again, he never really knew much, even when I lived with him. When he was there, and not working or sleeping, he was usually angry with me and my sister. He had no time or patience for us.

My mother still lives near me. She knows more about my life than my father or grandparents, but I hide a lot from her. She thinks that a few weeks in hospital without self harming means that I'm "better". I never tell her how I feel, as she simply can't deal with other people's emotions. They cause her to feel uncomfortable, and she deals with that by getting angry.

One of my sisters recently moved away from home. She shows a lot of contempt towards my mother, and is very dismissive of my father. I understand why she acts like that, I often wish I could act the same way, but I'm afraid.

My other sister, still a teenager, has been diagnosed as bipolar. She's way too attached to my mother, and very angry towards my father. She doesn't function on any sort of normal level. She can't bring herself to go to school, but comes up with big ideas for other things that never actually seem to happen.

So that's me, that's my family. Dysfunctional in so many ways I haven't even started to describe.