I fail at overdosing. Crushed pills last night and mixed them with yoghurt. It was so vile I spat out the first and only mouthful I took. Next time I overdose I'll do it the old fashioned way - just swallow the pills. Not planning anything right now though.

I wish my friends were more reliable. N was meant to call me today, she didn't. A is back in hospital (I might see her Wednesday when I have to go back to the hospital, but maybe not). AM hasn't replied to a text I sent days ago. R only replies to about half my texts, and it feels like I literally have to be going through some sort of crisis for her to respond to me. All my other friends are online friends who live nowhere near me.

My 21 year old sister is going to be around tomorrow, staying at my mother's house after her holiday, before she goes back to work. At least I'll get to see her, even if I am insanely jealous of her - her good looks, her confidence, her intelligence, her social skills. I know things haven't always been easy for her, but I'd rather be her than me.

I feel like I'm talking to myself on here, since my last 2 blogs haven't been approved yet.

Anyway, I'm a lot calmer than the other day. I spoke to my doctor yesterday, and after being really angry with her, I then apologised, and ended up in tears, telling her in detail each of the 4 ways I've thought about using to kill myself at some point in the next year or so. One of the ways involves pills I already have. She wants me to give them to my community psych nurse. Not happening.

I saw my therapist today. She basically tried to talk me out of killing myself. I just stared at her.

I posted on another forum that I've been a member of for years about how I'll be dead before I'm 25. Someone replied that they started crying when they read it. I've known this girl for years, met her in person several times. We text, talk on MSN, send gifts to each other. So I suppose it's understandable she's upset. I don't feel guilty though.

I discussed this with my therapist today - how difficult it is for me to empathise with people. I "know" how they're feeling, I can say and do the right things, but I don't "feel" it. My therapist says I developed it unconsciously, to protect myself. I suppose that makes sense.

The case conference was awful.
Everyone wants me in hospital for a few more months. And I have to actually stay there some nights, rather than being out every single night.

I cried. I practically shouted at them. I tried to explain how being in hospital longer will only make things worse. I told them it feels like I'm being punished for doing well. They just didn't listen.

My psychiatrist said I could go out tomorrow until Wednesday. I asked if I could go out tonight instead and come back Tuesday. She got really annoyed with me, and practically shouted at me, "Why do you argue with me over every single little thing?" She's such a bitch sometimes.

As I was leaving, my community psych nurse said, "I understand this must be difficult for you."
I responded with, "No, you don't understand, because you're not in my position." I walked out then, and stormed down the corridor. The nurse who was at the case conference followed me, and I started yelling again about how unfair it was.

I have to be back at the hospital in less than 3 hours. In theory I'm allowed to leave first thing in the morning, but what are the chances my doctor "forgot" to write up my leave or "forgot" to write out a prescription?

They can all go ###$ themselves. They will regret this.

Anxious and edgy today.
I came over to my mother's house because I have no food and am not getting paid until tomorrow. She's really annoying me, asking stupid questions all the time. I feel like screaming at her.

My best friend invited me to stay with her and her girlfriend this weekend, but her 9 year old sister is staying too, so I said I'd leave it. I'm not good with children at the best of times, and judging by how I feel now, I wouldn't be able to cope. Also, I want to have a proper chat with my friend about how I'm feeling. I'm glad she invited me though, it shows she does still care.

So much going through my mind. Stupid case conference tomorrow. I just want everyone to leave me alone to get on with my life the way I see fit.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

One of the things I ordered has been "sent to customs" according to the postal service website. It's not 100% legal, so I have a feeling I'm not going to get it. It's nothing I could be prosecuted for (I've checked) but there is a high probability of it being seized and destroyed, and me being told not to do it again (haha, I plan to reorder from elsewhere if it's seized). I am so annoyed, it's the most important out of all the things I ordered.

Oh, and on top of that, I found out that the government are cutting rent allowance, that the maximum rent landlords are meant to charge is being reduced, and if they refuse to reduce it, tenants are supposed to find alternative accommodation. It's not a huge drop from what I'm already paying, so it's very likely that if I'm sent a letter about it (which I probably will be at some point) then the landlord will agree to the reduction. If he doesn't agree to the reduction, I can ask him to "officially" reduce it, but have me pay him the extra on the side. Either way though, it means approaching him and asking him. He's a lovely guy, and I know his wife a little (she works in a local shop), but I get really anxious about these things.

I saw my psychologist today. Tried to explain how I'm feeling, but she didn't understand. She kept going on about making a decision not to cut for a certain amount of time and using that time to learn new coping mechanisms. She doesn't understand how I need coping mechanisms before I try not cutting, not after. She says I should be able to, because I'm not cutting at the moment. Little does she know that I am. Oh, and she's going to recommend at the case conference that I stay in hospital longer, because I'm doing so well. I feel like screaming.