I am feeling rather uninspired with this blog today. You know when you feel like writing "something", but you don't know what? So I actually have no idea what this entry is going to end up being about.

My 21 year old sister visited yesterday, on her way to a trip with her new boyfriend. It was nice to see her, I've actually really missed her. There's only 20 months between us, so I don't really remember a time when she wasn't around. As kids, it was me and her against my parents. I wouldn't say we were particularly loyal to each other in general, in fact we were often horrible to each other, but being so close in age, we did spend a lot of time together, and when we were both in trouble (rather than just one of us) I think it was a comfort to have each other.

It's strange, I "know" a lot of things that happened in my childhood, but I don't "remember" them. There's no feelings attached to anything. And quite often, someone will mention something that happened when I was younger, and I'll have absolutely no recollection of it, even though they say it's something I probably should remember.

Last night was not a good night. I considered overdosing, but realised I don't have enough pills to kill me, just enough to damage my liver. So I decided against it.

I sent my best friend a text to say I missed her, hoping she'd text back and I could talk to her. She didn't reply last night, so I thought "Stupid bitch, she doesn't care about me, I hate her."
I got a reply this morning saying she loved and missed me, and asking how I was. I thought "I love her, I'm so lucky to have her as my friend." I replied, telling her I feel empty and lonely, and asking how she is. I didn't get a reply, even though I saw she posted on facebook after I'd texted her. So I thought, "She doesn't really care about how I am, she's not a real friend, I hate her."
It gets exhausting constantly changing my opinion of people, but it just seems to happen automatically.

So annoyed. One of the things I ordered hasn't been shipped yet, despite them saying it would be within 24 hours. And this is the most "important" thing. I could order it from somewhere else, but because I decided to be nice and buy presents for people, I can't afford to.

I get paid again next Wednesday. Suppose I could order then. That delays my plans though. I am really not a patient person.

I slept 12 hours last night. Best sleep I've had in ages. I'm still tired though.

Oh, and on Monday, the psychologist asked me to do something during the week. The thing is, I wasn't actually paying attention, and I have no idea what she asked me to do. This could be a problem.

I can't cope.
I feel so desperate, yet also so empty.
I cannot picture my future. I've been saying for years that I'll be dead by 25, most likely having killed myself. That's a year and a half away, and I'm thinking that I will more than likely not be around then.

Death terrifies me, funnily enough. Yet somehow that doesn't stop me doing things that endanger my life, doesn't stop me fantasising about suicide.

Sometimes it feels like that's my only option.
I'm not motivated enough to "recover". Killing myself would be easier.

I ordered everything I planned to. One of the things I ordered though - there was literally only one place I could get it from, even though I spent hours looking, and delivery could take up to 21 days. That's 3 weeks! That seems so long. I suppose I've waited this long, 3 more weeks isn't that bad.

My psychiatrist told me she has her doubts about whether the letter I gave her was true or not. She's not as easily fooled as I thought. I insisted it was though, and she couldn't prove I was lying. She says it's very believable, but I've lied about things like this before.

She asked if I've been cutting. I said no. She went on about how it's very difficult to trust me, and she's taking a risk by continuing to let me out. I told her, sincerely, "I'm not cutting, I promise." I told her that I feel less anxious, so I don't feel the need to cut. Oh, what a liar I am!

I'm out for another week anyway. Case conference next week: me, my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my GP, and possibly the A&E psychiatrist. Maybe they'll give me an idea of when I'll be discharged.