I'm new to DID. In the beginning I tried to find any excuse in the book to deny that it was happening to me. That it had been happening to me for years. My T would tell me things like,"go inside and ask," or "talk to them they can hear you." When i'd get headaches she told me, "go inside and ask them to stop hurting you." This last one worked but I still didn't take it seriously. I would go inside and talk, not knowing what to say and it felt like I was talking to an empty room so I stopped. "Ridiculous," I told myself.

I was still losing time and would not remember whole therapy sessions. Then things started looking different to me. For example, I thought her Doctorate diploma was really small and in a horrible frame. I remember thinking it should at least be as big as her Master's and in a much better frame. I came in one day and said, "oh you put your Doctorate diploma in a nicer frame that matches the others. Looks really nice and it looks bigger too." She looked at me a little strange and told me,"it's always been that way." This was after I had been seeing her for several months and every time I went in her office I always looked at all her diplomas. But I wasn't seeing them the way they really were. This happened to a number of different things inside and outside her office but the misunderstood visions were always surrounded her office.

I also imagined, twice, that she said and did things that hurt my feelings and made me mad. So I decided fine i'm not going to talk about that again! When I had the guts to finally confront her about the first one she looked genuinely hurt and asked me, "does that sound like something I would do?" I said, "no, no it doesn't but thats my memory of it." She said she would never do something like that, it's not her style. I only just this week talked to her about the other one. I had already figured out my memory of what happened wasn't real and felt bad for having to tell her what I had thought. She asked me, "who in there is in denial besides you?" And I just don't know.

I started accepting and believing that this DID was real when I got a wake up call. I was driving and I blacked out for about 30 minutes or so. When I came back I was parked in the parking lot of a brightly lit convenience store crying my eyes out. I called my T in hysterics and told her what happened. Still don't understand how she understood me. The next thing I hear was, "listen everyone!" Then I blacked out again. When I came back I was completely calm as if nothing had happened. So yeah, that made me a believer, I accepted it.

I remember in the beginning when therapy first started with her I asked her, "how did I survive all that as a kid and not turn out to be a monster and still be able to love?" She told me I had parts step in and take over to protect me so I would survive. It's a coping mechanism. The parts hold the memories and the pain. I wanted to know my parts after the driving incident.

So I went back to talking and talking and nothing would happen. Then one day Mother appeared. She was loving, accepting and wise. She became my confidant. She was comforting. Then I became aware of others but I could only sense them. I could only see vague images so I called them by their emotions or by what they did. For example, the protector, the little one, sexy, etc. etc.

I was still frustrated because I couldn't talk to anyone. No one talked back to me. I'd see other people in the DID forum who had names, and ages, and jobs, and some even had their own color. I would wonder how they did all that and why don't I have that. Be careful what you wish for.

One day it finally occurred to me to ask one of them their names. So I went to sexy and asked her her name. She said Alex and I immediately realized she was only a kid! I was mortified because I had been keeping sexy on a very short leash thinking she was a grown woman who was acting out. I was devastated. I apologized profusely and tried to explain that I didn't know. I told her I loved her but she doesn't believe me. She doesn't believe anything I say, she thinks i'm a liar. I can't get too close to her, I can't hug her and I so want to hug her. It's because her memories and experiences start mixing with mine and I can't bear the excruciating pain. It's too much, it's flooding and I can't handle it. I feel horrid about the whole situation.

After I asked Alex for her name, I was inundated with alters telling me who they were, how old they were, names, ages, jobs, memories, emotions. This only just happened in the last 2 weeks. I became and still am overwhelmed by it all. I suddenly don't know how to talk to them. I felt like when I was talking to one, I was neglecting another. It was painful.

See, they're my parts. The ones who saved my life and I don't know how or am incapable of expressing my gratitude for their sacrifices so that I could live. They're me. They're all me just broken into pieces. I can see myself in all of them and yet they look different than me too. They act like I acted at their various ages but they also have some differences, their hodge podged personalities. And how did they survive? Who took care of them while I was busy ruining my life. Heaping on more abuse as if they hadn't had enough.

I feel this intense longing, a deep and abiding longing that I can't seem to satiate. Is it me? Is it coming from them or is it both? Either way what am/are I/they longing for?

I love them so I wish and hope they feel it. I want to gather them all together and hug them until all the pain and memories come inside me so they could be set free. I would crumble into a heaping mass of pain and probably lose myself, but it would be worth it. I could set them free and maybe myself too. I know it doesn't work that way but i'd do it if I could. I know it would ruin my progress. My T said that i'm doing too much and I need to slow down. That it takes time and we have to work on it in little peices. I must be patient with my little pieces and all my parts.

I want my pieces put back together again and I want to absorb them, memories, pain and all. I know I would have the best parts of me back and I would be stronger and more confident than ever. One day.

For now I am sad in my knowing. I'm sad at my utter incompetence and confusion. Everything is swirling around my mind. I feel strange and at a loss.