So, I've been noticing things lately.

First, I've noticed that I've had problems about, once a month. I've had one this month but wasn't able to post about it. So yeah. I guess I should call them episodes, shouldn't I? Regardless, the last one was caused by, well something stupid. I went to visit my parents, and I planned to stay at their place. They always say I can stay there. I do that because I know that it's the only way to get me to leave the house and spend time with them while I'm there to visit, or else I'd make too many excuses and not go.

So, I visited them. I've had back problems for a while now, and it means that I have to sleep on a bed. Well, I can sleep other places, but I'd have to take pain medicine more often than I already did, so that's not what anyone wants. Naturally, I expected to stay in the guest room. I mean, my step sisters each have a spare bed, but no one has said otherwise. It's a safe assumption.

Then the next day, I'm told that my step-mom's mother might be staying over, and I might have to stay in my younger stepsister's room. But no one would know until last minute. I was hurt. I feel like my pain is understandable, but I have the feeling that it's not. Otherwise, it wouldn't have happened in the first place, you know? Well, my younger stepsister doesn't want to share her room for the night. I don't want to share a room with her. It's too cold, and with a blanket on me, I'm too hot. Like, it's just a no win situation there. Plus, I wouldn't be able to stay up late doing homework, because I'm polite like that and don't want to keep her up. Then there's the other younger stepsister, who's older than her. She stays up until five in the morning. I can't stay in her room because I have sleeping problems as is. Having the lights on while I'm trying to sleep does not help.

I know it sounds needy, but they knew that I was coming over, and my stepmom's mom is waiting until the very last second to tell her. I just don't see how it's fair when I tell them ahead of time and she doesn't, you know? Like, I'm the one respecting the fact that having only one spare bedroom with people always coming over is hard.

Unfortunately, that's all I can give of the instance, as I never do remember exactly how I'm feeling afterwards. Hell, I barely even remember having a breakdown the next day. Which is weird, to say the least. It certainly makes getting help hard, because it's hard to tell someone what the problem is when you can't even remember it yourself. That's a problem I've had with my past therapist.


Next, I've noticed that I'm prone to feeling insulted when I feel like no one is listening to me or my opinion isn't being heard. Is that normal? Hell, there's so much about my life that I thought was normal that I later learned wasn't. There's just so much that people do that I don't understand, and I think it's fair to say that all concepts of social communication is way over my head.

Regardless, I notice this a lot in group work. So often when I'm working in a group with more than three people, it seems like everyone else just shares some kind of frequency that combines their minds, and I'm the odd man out. Like, they all agree with the same thing, and then majority rules, so I don't have a say. Worse yet, I don't think that they listen to my say. Because if they were seriously choosing an easier way, I'd lay back and let them do it. I don't want to step up and be a leader. The problem is, they're making it harder than it needs to be, wasting precious time! This drives me insane! Then I just want to get mad at them, and it makes it hard for me to work with people in general.


And, I've noticed that if my friend doesn't join my group, I get offended. I feel that this is because most of my friends are people that I do a lot for. People that I tutor, and study with. I don't know why I get so offended, but I think that part of it is because I don't work well in groups. Like, now I have to work with these people...

[ Continued ]

When I'm off, on my own, I'm fine. Mentally healthy and stable. Cool. I have a few friends, no one too close. Just people that I can talk to and are generally nice.

Once I get in touch with people that I'm close too, though. That all goes to $#%^. I genuinely believe that the only person that cares about me is myself.

Without family or close friends, I have nothing to worry about. No expectations that won't be upheld, and no betrayal. I'm perfectly fine on my own. When I get in contact with them though, I break down. I'm crying. I'm having panic attacks. The worst part? No one notices. I mean, hell. They notice EVERYTHING ELSE except when I want to kill myself.

My family says they want to see me. They get upset when I don't visit. So, I give in. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. It hurts. It hurts too much. When I do visit, I feel like an after thought. Like, they're too busy for me, and there's too many people to make room for me.

I don't want to say anything, because it won't fix anything. No one listens. I mean, sure. For the rest of that day, things will be fine. Hell, it might last a weekend if I'm lucky. After that, though, things go right back to the way they were. It's gotten to the point where I just don't want to see them anymore. Yet they always guilt trip me when I say no.

I know that there's a problem, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be understanding, because $#%^ happens, but now I'm not. That might have to do with the fact that way too much $#%^ happens lately, but when I'm crying and having panic attacks, yet no one notices? That goes way beyond the $#%^ happens standpoint.

I tried talking to my mom about it. I told her I have a serious problem. She said I might have situational depression. I told her my problem was much more serious than that. She said she didn't notice anything. My mom, who knows everything, it seems, doesn't notice that I cry myself to sleep, hate my life, contemplate self harm and killing myself. I told her about this, and she said 'okay'. That was it. No doctor's appointment, nothing.

Maybe if I felt like someone actually gave a $#%^, this wouldn't be a problem, but my friends aren't much better. I can't even get into contact with them. Because I can't get into contact with them, I can't keep in contact with them. Then I lose my friendships. I can honestly say, that I have no friends. Just people that I talk to, and will probably never talk to again. I expect none of my friendships to last, and it's sad.

It's sad because it's sad, but it's also sad because there was one person that had almost convinced me that not all friendships were temporary. That some friendships do really last a lifetime, like I see everyone else having. He said we were best friends, that we'd be friends forever. That lasted two years. TWO FREAKING YEARS! By ANY standard, that's the SHORTEST friendship I've had. You know what? After all freaking that, he ABANDONS me. Says he's tired of fighting. WHAT FREAKING FIGHTING? I know that I always rant about it, but it all comes back to that.

This guy almost had me believing friendships could last. Before this guy, I was in the state I'm in now. Believing that no friendship will last forever, only I accepted it. He gave me hope, and tore it away from me. That hope had me believing that things would be fine, because I had someone to talk to about the rest of my problems, and that was taken away too. Now I'm back to where I was. Believing that friendships can't last, I have no one to talk to, and feeling better when no one was around.

It's worse because I had a taste of what the other side could be like. The better side. The piece of life everyone else has. The piece of life where everyone has friends and they all have this best friend that they can talk to about ANYTHING! Then I lost it. It's like giving someone a piece of cake, letting them take one bite, it tasting like heaven, then taking it away for no good reason.

I CAN'T STAND IT...

[ Continued ]

I never thought that I'd be putting a dream here, but this one is different. I recently found the term Borderline Personality disorder (again), and there's one percent who's recently cycled through my life that kind of makes this stick out to me specifically. Well, a group of people, but one percent is at the head of it. This percent isn't the head of the group, but in my perspective, it's like a TV show. The main character is in a group, but he is not the head of the group. Still, he's the main characters. In that group of friends, he was the metaphorical "main character".

Since this was a dream, I need to explain it fast, so you'll get more on him later. For the sake of not getting pissed off by just hearing his name, we'll call him DM. Now, I know that this dream isn't real, but I woke up in a bad mood, because this person pissed me off in the dream before I woke, much like he does in real life. Although this is not something that has actually happened, I believe that it's an accurate representation of what our friendship was like. Now, mind you, this is from my perspective. I really wish that someone would give the second side of my story, because the problem with my last therapist was that she automatically believed my side to be true, even thought that was just my perspective.

Okay, okay, I'm getting off track. More about my last therapist later. On to the dream...

So, I had lost my book for a class along with the sheet that said what we need to study. I didn't think that it was a big deal at first until I realized that there was a back side to the sheet, and I have no idea what was on it. Plus, I don't have the book to study it. So, I searched where it might be. I looked everywhere, and couldn't find it. So, I asked a teacher for help. They couldn't find it. I ran into DM, and asked him. He sad we were running out of time to study and asked if I'd like to study with him. I agreed, as I was way behind, and we sat down with our group of friends.

They opened the books, and he showed me the page that said what they needed to read in the book, and they started reading. Silently. That was no help to me studying, so I snapped. I got angry and yelled at him because he wasn't helping me out. I told him that he doesn't care about me (in less than friendly language).

As I walked off, the teacher said, "You know what your problem is? You're not nice about it. You just expect people to help you. Maybe if you were more humble, people would help you." Well, you know that words don't always make sense in dreams, but what my mind process is if I was nicer, people would help me.

No, I know what would have happened next. It's the same every time. I would have locked myself in my room and started crying, thinking that no one cares about me. I know that because that's how I feel now, remembering this as if it happened. However, this dream was not a direct representation of what my friendship felt like.

You see, DM and I were joined at the hip. We went everywhere together and had all of the same classes. People thought we were dating. The thing was, outside of school, he never talked to me. The group that he was in was an organization that I was in, and when they did things not organization related, they never invited me. DM wouldn't invite me, but he said plenty of times I was his best friend in that city.

Then there was the study groups. He wouldn't study with me because... I'm struggling to write this down as I truly think it, because I know I will look bad on this. Still, I wish to explain how I felt this in my head... We hung out so we could study together. However, he wouldn't study with me because he always pushed it off until last minute. Although he didn't seem to act like he was pushing it off until last minute, he was. When it came time to study, I would leave at a certain time because that's when the last bus went. However, the real studying began after that. The real studying always happened from midnight...

[ Continued ]

Yeah, I couldn't get around to reading the last post to my blog. I finally did start reading it, and stopped. I couldn't finish. Knowing that I had such deep emotions in me at the time confused me and tore me apart. All I could think was, was I really that depressed? A big problem is when I break down like that, I begin to dissociate. Afterwards, I can't remember why I hurt so much, or how badly I hurt. This was why the therapist wasn't working out. She'd ask how I am, and I'd respond with "Fine" without a thought. It's weird, because in the moment I know I need help. Feeling that intense can't be good for me, or safe. I couldn't read it, and I don't know if it's because it needs a trigger warnign or because it seems like everything upsets me these days.

So, on to the update. I recently started reading The Fault in Our Stars. I'm not a huge fan of the way John Green writes, but the book isn't bad. I couldn't finish it because it was too depressing. I don't know if this is normal or not, but I do know that I used to be able to read thing that upsetting without crying. It wasn't that I was upset, but that I could control it. I had stopped, but picked it up again after seeing the movie. I couldn't get back to reading it after I put it back down. I don't know why, but I can't deal with reading things that upsetting. I think it's because I get too close to the characters, so I start feeling their pain.

I had noticed a knack for RPing when I'm angry. I think that I do this because this is a good way to vent me anger in a safe environment. My anger has been escalating these few years, and it's gotten hard to control. So, I read over the RPs I had, and I didn't like what I saw. Honestly, the relationships that my characters are in aren't healthy, because they lash out at the slightest things. It's kind of upsetting, because I know that's how I feel inside. All this time, I didn't think that it was true that your writing could tell someone more about you. I guess I was wrong. Mine shows sever mood swings and a neediness for attachment. All of my characters are like this. They need to constantly be around their loved ones, to stay close to them and get attention from them. I'm not sure what to think on this. However, I can say that I look at their relationships and say that my characters are lucky. Their significant others can't leave them for beign too moody.

For the past few years, I have been asking my friends why they left me, because they always do. I never got a real answer, but recently I have been getting some. I shrugged these two off because I didn't think it meant anything. Well, not until I read my last blog post. This friend said that he was tired of our constant fighting. I didn't think that we fought often, but if I really can't remember the intense emotions that caused me to write such depressing things in my blogs, then maybe I can't remember the fights either? I know I had anger problems.

Then another friend of mine said that I had random outbursts that hurt people, but she forgave me because I had the best intentions. I don't see these things happening, but that's two friends in three weeks that have been friends with me for the past year to say such things. Am I really that bad? I honestly don't know what I do, or what's not normal. I just know that I have never been able to keep friends, and that I am easily hurt. That year, though, I had been prone to a lot of venting to my friends when I have a problem with another one. I just need to vent.

My family always thinks that they need to fix my problems or give me advice. I can't count how many times my sister has scolded me for the way I handle things. Therapy would never help, because I'm not in the moment. I need someone to be with me in the moment, or else I won't understand what my problem was. That was why I had taken to writing these things down. Hopefully, they can be of some use.

Lately, everything seems to upset me. My mom was fighting with her...

[ Continued ]

It's happening again. It's always like this. People always say that they're different. That they love me. That thy care about me. I'm getting tired of their lies. The pain I feel is so real to me, but it's not physical pain. No, it's always emotional. I feel it, tearing me apart.

I never say this. I don't want to, because to say it is to admit it, and I hate admitting that I'm weak. I'm supposed to be the strong one... When it gets like this, I just want to die. I'm never strong enough to actually do it, but I just want to curl up and die. Every time I care about someone emotionally, they destroy me. I hate this.

There's also times I want to cut myself. I hate admitting it, because it is for attention. It really is. I want someone to see them and know how I feel on the inside. I want them to know that the pain I feel is real. I never admit my thoughts, because I feel so selfish. It's for attention and I know it, but is it so bad for you to want to let those who love you know how much they hurt? Is it so bad for you to want them to see that? Maybe then they'll listen...

I fear talking about it because I know that I'll snap in anger when I try. When I'm in such a state, I have two choices. One is to stay and wait for it to wear off, find a way to express it, and the second is to try and talk about it, but being around other peopel just make me angry. Then I snap. I know that what I said wasn't right, but they don't realize that I don't have control at that point.

I have ways of dealing with it. My RPing for one. Having characters that I can act my anger and sadness out through is always good. I want help, though. I'm tired of this pain, feeling like no one gives two ###$ about me. It hurts. I hurt. Yet, I can't bring myself to tell anyone why I need it. I've never told them how bad it is. I've hinted at it, but they've shrugged it off as hormones or situational depression. It's not that. It's everything. If I'm not out with people enough, I think that they all hate me and get upset. If I am out with them, when they get mad at me I think that everyone hates me and then I'm upset.

Sometimes I can see where it's justified, and others I can't, but most of all I think that what hurts the most is that they never talk to me about it in a rational way. They just snap, and I break. Sometimes I feel like if we just talked it out, it wouldn't be as bad. I've never experienced it, so I can't say for sure. What I can say though is that even if it upsets me, it can't be as bad.

The worst part isn't hating myself. The worst part is wanting to close off. Wanting to feel no emotion. Wanting to trust no one and hate everyone. I don't want to do that. It's not right, but at this point in time, I'm tired of it. I just want a friend that I can trust. Not someone that will leave me. They always leave me. Is it so bad to want someone that will stay?

One last thing before it fades. I have to get this down quick, because I know I won't post it afterwards. After it's over, I'll think all is okay and not say anything. That's why I've never gotten any real help, good help.

I've noticed a reoccurring thought. I always want to move somewhere to get away from the people. Once they've proven that I can't trust them, I want to leave them. That's part of the reason why I moved. I wanted to get out of the house because I felt that about my parents. I felt it again, so I stayed back with my parents until I moved. I thought, "They love me, right? Why would I ever want to leave them?" Now I understand why. It's some part of me, I don't know what. Now I just want to leave again. I can't wait. I even once had thoughts that I'd never stay in one place because I never could keep friends in one place.

I fear that I will delete this later, when I don't have these feeling and look back to see how absurd they are, but I have to be able to read it. I have to have a note, because I need help, and I won't get accurate help unless they have details of the...

[ Continued ]