we're slowly realizing we don't know much at all about us.

we don't know why the inner world is how it is, since we don't remember ever creating it. we don't remember how any one of us came to be. it feels like we've always been like this. the lines are always blurred, which isn't necessarily a bad thing considering we don't suffer from amnesia that much, but it's still unnerving. unnerving is the right word. we didn't know where all that anger and self-destructiveness came from, and every time we tend to forget we are even traumatized. the fact that every one of us came about differently, but we don't know how. we have never known how, there's only hypotheses.

loneliness for Angelo, passiveness and harmlessness for Mi, rebelliousness for Xavier. still, when did that happen? when did we split, why? why was there a need for so many people, why some of them seem to not even have any role at all? we've been asking the "why" question since we remember. we have been puzzled by our own behavior for as long as we can remember.

being separate is a blessing and a curse, always has been. we do feel alone, but never truly alone. we always have people looking, making sure our environment is safe 24/7, making sure our mind is safe. when we feel alone, it's horrible. it's like living in a tight-knit community on a small island in the middle of nowhere (which is ironically what our inner world looks like). so, when you feel alone, you really feel the only person in the world. the others do try to help, but it's never completely effective. last time we were high, we have suddenly felt like we were just one. it's the weirdest feeling in the world. how does one live as one? how does one remember everything that happens?

Angelo is, ironically, one of the ones we have more questions about. how does one feel so completely hopeless, empty, cold? how can he feel so numb, yet so full of everything ugly? it's like he's a dumpster for whatever we don't want to feel. he doesn't befriend anyone. he's terrorized of everything without even feeling anxious. he feels nothing about feeling everything, always. he hears every sound, every smell, every touch, his reflexes are impressive and his sense of danger is like a trained hound's. his muscles are always tense, despite him being still most of the time. he expects anyone and everyone to hurt. he's sure majority of the people we meet is just out for us and is only waiting for him to let his guard down. he's in so much pain it's unbearable sometimes. and the fact is, we don't know what is it that he needs. probably a friend, but his self-sabotaging is impressive when it comes to friendships. also, people are either scared of him, or pity him, which doesn't help their case for him. we really want him to stop feeling like a lone soldier, and we don't know how. it's even more horrible when he's the one that's been feeling like this all these years. he took the worst of it, and we are so sorry we can't do anything about it.

i'd (Mi) gladly take part of his sadness and fear if i could, but it seems the Guardian just thinks he needs to deal with it on his own. i really don't understand him... i never did. nobody understands the Guardian even when he seems he's pretty sure about what he's doing. i trust him, but it's hard to trust someone who cannot explain to you what their goal is.

we hope the EMDR session next time will do us some good.