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relationship issues!! by calistrophy on Thu May 03, 2018 6:46 am
i was talking to my therapist the other day about how every "relationship" i've ever had (only 4 very short ones) has lasted less than a week each & 3/4 have been because the person truly didn't like me. the first (the only one where i broke up with the other), with a guy, ended less than 24 hours after he asked me out because i was not ready for a relationship & i thought it meant i was lesbian (rather than bisexual.) the second one, with a girl, ended 2 days after because she felt bad saying no to me, considering we were very close friends. the third, again with a girl, ended 3-4 days after we started dating. she told me she only dated me because she was desperate, and didn't like me in "that way." the fourth one was a while after i realized i liked both men & women, and he broke up with me after four days because he was just trying to make his ex jealous, and it worked. i think the worst part about that last one is that i only really talked to him for less than a week before getting with him, so i should've seen that coming.

am i self-sabotaging? or am i being manipulated? my therapist thinks its a mix of both, but i think its because i truly am undesirable as a person. of course, everyone says that you can't love someone else when you don't love yourself, but i feel i am not only incapable of making others happy, but i don't think i'll ever truly "love" myself, whatever that even means. i grew up with my mom telling me things she really shouldn't have and then neglecting me the rest of the day, so maybe her loose boundaries rubbed off on me? i honestly have no clue.

i just think i really want to feel loved and i really want to GIVE love, but my opinions on everyone change all the time and i'm too self-conscious to be intimate with anyone, let alone give other people the opportunity to judge/criticize me. i used to be extremely overly-trusting of others and share the most intimate of details with people i barely knew, in the process desperately looking for someone to love & accept me. now, however, i figure it's a much better route to not befriend anyone, stick with the 2 close people in my life & not let people in (for fear of rejection, etc.)

i do want to be happy, i think, but i'm just so used to not being "truly" liked by others & i can't stand not knowing what others think about me, especially if they don't like me & i'm not aware of it. so it's just easier not to give people the opportunity to decide & pull away, right? jeez!

please feel free to comment your thoughts, whatever they might be, i have no idea how to deal with this at all :?:

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Making new friends for life by OMNICELL on Wed Jun 11, 2025 11:02 pm
I went to a meeting… One this morning; and one early at 11… and it will go to 1PM… So; Im getting a much longer meeting; in this case I asked a women to walk with me and talk. We were already frien...

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Meeting new people; accepting life as is... by OMNICELL on Wed Jun 11, 2025 5:49 pm
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learn how to survive like a seasoned soldier by OMNICELL on Mon Jun 09, 2025 11:07 pm
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Im a 12 year old who does Art… by OMNICELL on Sat Jun 07, 2025 8:48 pm
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The beginning of setting out into society… by OMNICELL on Sun Jun 01, 2025 1:34 am
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Re: Next blog…. In the realm of things...; The Change.. by Snaga on Wed Jan 01, 2025 11:06 pm
Happy New Year, Omnicell! Another year of making progress!

Re: test by Snaga on Sun Oct 13, 2024 1:34 am
The blogs are a little different from the open forum- here, moderator preview is a constant, unlike the open forum. It's the same case with the official journals forum. I see you're a DID forum user,...

[ Continued ]

Re: Made a decision by NewSunRising on Wed Jun 14, 2023 12:14 pm
but not alone ... We are here for you if ever you need us . Hugs & love .

Re: Being gracious by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
I agree

Re: Been a while by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
Aww...Thanks snaga

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