am i self-sabotaging? or am i being manipulated? my therapist thinks its a mix of both, but i think its because i truly am undesirable as a person. of course, everyone says that you can't love someone else when you don't love yourself, but i feel i am not only incapable of making others happy, but i don't think i'll ever truly "love" myself, whatever that even means. i grew up with my mom telling me things she really shouldn't have and then neglecting me the rest of the day, so maybe her loose boundaries rubbed off on me? i honestly have no clue.
i just think i really want to feel loved and i really want to GIVE love, but my opinions on everyone change all the time and i'm too self-conscious to be intimate with anyone, let alone give other people the opportunity to judge/criticize me. i used to be extremely overly-trusting of others and share the most intimate of details with people i barely knew, in the process desperately looking for someone to love & accept me. now, however, i figure it's a much better route to not befriend anyone, stick with the 2 close people in my life & not let people in (for fear of rejection, etc.)
i do want to be happy, i think, but i'm just so used to not being "truly" liked by others & i can't stand not knowing what others think about me, especially if they don't like me & i'm not aware of it. so it's just easier not to give people the opportunity to decide & pull away, right? jeez!
please feel free to comment your thoughts, whatever they might be, i have no idea how to deal with this at all
