I know who and where.

Last night was tough. i only sleep two to three hours at a time. Once when I got up, I went to my computer to see if my therapist was online. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to know she was there. I couldn't get into the website for some reason, so I tried again. I kept trying and the more I did the more scared I became. it started to overwhelm me. This didn't make sense because I didn't need anything to begin with. I became desprate and started posting all over the net where ever I could find asking for help, I can't reach my therapist. Thinking about it now makes me feel a little stupid. What was someone going to do? Call her house?
It got to the point I started rocking, shaking, and crying. All I could think was do I cut, stab my leg or commit suicide? That doesn't make sense at all. Why was i so upset that I couldn't get into a website to just check to see if someone was available? I finally stayed on this site until someone answered. Cracked really did a great job of calming me down and getting me back to a normal state. I could even see it in how I was typing. I went from single words to phrases to sentences. It is so frustrating be this emotional sometimes, over nothing.

I made it through the night without hurting myself. I slept about three hours. Now I am going to clean the house. That's about it for today.

I am missing my mom today. It has been so hard going through this without her holding me. It's not like I could have told her about my thoughts, but she could just sit with me and I could smell her skin and hair. She would let this adult child sit in her lap on the rocking recliner. Thats when everything would be ok again. No matter what was happening she loved and supported me just for being her child. I miss that so so much. I Love you mom!!

I am really trying to do the right thing with all these new thoughts in my head. I called my sister to confirm or deny anything. She said she didn't know but she doesn't remember her childhood either. She said she just remembers being yelled at and hit. She also said no one cared about her. I feel bad because I have not done a good job of being a big sister. We were trying to take care of our parents and dodge the anger from dad. I should have been a better sister. I am sad that I wasn't there for her. I do love her so much!