Ok so here goes.. After a few stressful triggers I've been going through periods of trying to find anything at all from my past to try and convince myself that I'm a bad person and constantly beating myself up. I've been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and strong guilt complex by my doctor and have been to a few counselling sessions to try and control these bouts. I really have been trying to get better because my worst fear is that I may disappoint and lose those I care about most bwcause at present how I'm feeling is affecting everything.

However the one thing that is really disturbing me and making me feel as if I am unworthy of going on living is this. Whenever I was a small child of about 5/6 I jumped on top of my brother who would've been about 2/3 at the time. I had seen a few sexual acts between a man and a woman on tv, nothing too graphic but enough for it to intrigue me so I was trying to copy what I had seen with my brother. But because I had no real knowledge of what the act was and was just trying to imitate what I'd seen I just jumped on top of him fully clothed. However when I seen that he didn't like it I still stayed on top of him for a few moments until my Mum came into the room. I never tried anything like that again or have no recollection of it as I've been wrecking my brain for months to remember anything more but to no avail. I have confided in both my mother and my counsellor about this and they have both said that I was just an innocent child copying what I had seen or thought I'd seen on tv. However I still can't get it out of my head and am disgusted with myself that when I knew he wasn't enjoying it I still stayed on top of him. The whole incident probably only lasted about 2-3 minutes but it's been causing me months of feeling worthless as a person.

I'm terrified in case my brother remembers this and it may have caused him some kind of long term damage. I've apologised to him frequently if I done any wrongdoing to him when we were children and he's either just laughed and said 'that's ok' or looked at me as if I have 20 heads. I was always a bit on the bossy side when we were little and treated him as my uncool brother who I would've been embarrassed to be seen with so maybe this is what he is referring to when he said 'it's ok' or maybe he actually does remember. We get on ok now and I would bend over backwards in any way to help him but he's always been quite a closed and quiet person during adulthood. Plus I feel guilty that I recently got engaged to the love of my life whilst his 4 year relationship recently came to an end.

Any opinions or other points of view on this would be greatly appreciated as I feel totally and utterly unworthy of life at the minute and don't know what else I can do to make things right.