Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 266
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2012 11:48 pm
Blog: View Blog (43)
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- June 2014
Dead in the Water
   Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:31 pm
Like a Satellite
   Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:08 am

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Dead in the Water

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:31 pm

I think I'm still doing well, but there are some things that really stress me out and I want to talk about them.

Me and this guy were never serious. We talked for probably like 3 weeks but those three weeks were very intense and great for me. We made plans for the future, I revealed everything about myself that I could, and I felt myself changing positively as a person. We'd made plans for a date, and because I was so happy I'd found him, I even promised him sex.

So, the date was supposed to be last Thursday and we broke up last Tuesday. I told him I was excited for the date and he said he had to cancel it. Upset, I told him I didn't care as long as he made plans. He told me he shouldn't have to make plans because he'd made those plans. I can't remember what I said, but I think I was on a little bit of a power trip here and really sticking it to him that he make plans.

He then asked me if I thought I should find someone else. I told him I didn't want to and he then receded into telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I then reminded him he'd said he wouldn't abandon me and he said he wasn't abandoning me. I knew he was, though. I then did probably the stupidest thing of the night by telling him all the ways he was horrible, devaluing him to his face. I regretted it immediately and he said he'd think about letting us be friends but he's since blocked me on his phone, so I have no way to get a hold of him.

I know he really did care about me, and I guess that means other people can care about me, too. I just am pissed because I don't know the "real" reason he did what he did. I've resolved that no matter how much I look for the answers, no answer will be good enough or seem legitimate because knowing why he did it won't make me feel better because it won't get me a boyfriend. That's really all I want is a trendy boyfriend!

I legitimately feel like no one cares about me. Every time someone leaves me, I lose my security in all my relationships and have to rebuild it.

Two days after getting dumped, I went to the club by myself and was looking hot. I got complimented left and right, even made out with a guy. He gave me his number but I've yet to text him. I got home that night and was still so sad about Jake. I just feel like I was so accepted by him, and now everything we had is gone. And what makes me the most neurotic about it is that if I wouldn't have been on a power trip right then, we'd still work out.

But part of me was very annoyed with his indifference to things like that, so a part of me is glad I did what I did. If I hadn't, I probably would have made him pay for it in some way eventually. I just want to know everything's going to be alright for me.

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Like a Satellite

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:08 am

I got dumped yesterday for being "too high maintenance" and yeah, I took it really hard, but right now I'm actually really happy! I've found a lot of diamonds in the rough recently. Some people I thought were diamonds were transient but I'm learning to live and let live, and that is the hardest thing in the world! I'm constantly trying to control my thinking and it limits my perception of reality. And that's a total bummer.

I miss "Jack", but I am ultimately really proud of myself for how I handled things. I told him I was excited for our date, and he said he had bad news. Flippantly and completely aware of what that meant, I responded, "I love bad news." and I don't know about you but I think that was a hilarious comment in a brutal situation. He then asked me if I wanted to find someone else, and before I even responded I knew he was trying to trick me into breaking up with him. He had promised me he would be direct and I believed him. He mentioned a long phone conversation with a friend he had, and I can't help but painfully suspect he has feelings for that friend. I cycled between desperation and hostility as dramatically as anyone could, but ultimately, I know I'm still the bigger person because I didn't say everything I could have. I didn't say enough to actually hurt him.

I have had some great support from friends all around me, and I am really thankful. I also have noticed recently that I get hit on a lot. Before, I would have sworn no one ever hit on me but now that I am more aware of how others think, I can listen to what they're saying and what it actually means.

I think my friend's boyfriend is into me. He followed me around at the club like a puppy, carrying my things for me, and he just seems all around flirty. I don't know if I'm into him, but I am really into having people into me. He's hot enough. But then his girlfriend has been such a good friend to me recently! I hate this thing I've begun doing where I consider how my actions will affect other people. I mean, what if the love of my life was actually dating a friend of mine who's been loyal? What if!

And what does one do with their time if they don't have people to interact with or things to do? Like, how do you fall asleep at night when you know no one loves you at that time? How do you live without a definite prospect of happiness in the near future?

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Dollface

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Fri May 23, 2014 2:11 am

This is just an update where I'll talk about whatever I want... within the realm of things that are relevant to my mental health.

I thought me and my pot dealer were like, in love. He definitely liked me but he's been ignoring me since yesterday. I was so upset, I didn't know what to do. I sent him way too many texts today and I feel embarrassed because of that. Also, where will I get pot? I don't know and I guess thankfully it isn't a big deal. Pot hasn't been as awesome ever since my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and said I was using drugs to avoid stress (no duh). I want to counter her argument by saying that when I'm high, I lose the inhibition that normally keeps me from most effectively retraumatizing myself. I have mastered this by just ignoring the urge all together, but still. I think my brain is pretty dedicated to recreating my rape and doing what it wished it had done when it happened. Bummer.

I've been really interested in la belle indifference lately. I don't think it's just a feature of conversion disorder, because I think it's a conversion symptom itself. It's the loss of emotion whenever emotion becomes too stressful. That explains why in the months following my assault I would tell the story without even feeling like I was about to cry, perhaps even laughing about it.

Anyway, I was so upset that I texted my friend who didn't call back until later. I then texted "Tyler", who is my favorite friend by far. I actually think we should get married, but he has a girlfriend of 4 years. I asked if he was busy and he responded almost immediately and talked me through the situation, showing me that if the dealer was scared by my needing him, he wasn't a good guy anyway. Tyler is so great. I used to get extremely clingy to him and so many times I've thought I had lost him, but he never left. He's not the hottest guy in the world but I adore him. I have seen a lot of ugly parts of him but I still think he's great, and that really secures faith in my own capacity to love.

I thought that's how things would be with my RA, but he hasn't said a word to me since I moved out. That hurts a lot. I feel angry at him for lying to me and for abandoning me but I love who he made me believe he was and I am desperate for his attention. I really want to punish him for hurting me. Dollface is the character in my icon, and also the name of my most lethal persona. She is my darkest impulses embodied, because she's a sadist. She wants to psychologically torture people, make them beg for mercy and still kill them.

There's a ritual in me becoming her, and I only have some parts of it. I have the mask, but I need to have blonde hair and a similar outfit. I don't think I would ever want to kill anyone, though. The court proceedings and jail time would totally suck.

She communicates in friendly statements that are intimidating because they lack momentum. She's quiet and ominous. She likes to haunt people with just her presence. I see Dollface as a kind of hero figure, however, who gets revenge on the people who've hurt me. She makes them desperate and has no mercy.

I'm not going to kill anyone, I'm just acknowledging that there is such a desire within me.

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Time

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Wed May 14, 2014 6:36 pm

Perception of reality is dependent on perception of the fourth dimension, which is the dimension of time and space. Space is different than the third dimension of depth, because space describes change.

People who are not psychically conflicted can control the changing values of both time and space to suit their needs. Space is more important in times of introspection and focus or in self soothing, where time is more important during emergencies and when time is of the essence, obviously.

People who are psychotic invariably place priority on space, where people who are neurotic invariably place priority on time.

This is not to say people who are psychotic experience things in slow motion, as on some plane, slow motion is still time, as is a pause on reality. It is impossible to describe how time can be negated entirely because we live in the fourth dimension, so this quantum physical awareness cannot be understood. But it happens.

Psychotic people's negation of time creates thoughts which exist without any measurement of importance or priority, creating a world of ideas that, though prominent to the psychotic, would have most likely been idle thoughts if the individual's psychic senses were more balanced.

Likewise, neurotic individuals do not experience time in fast-forward, and their thoughts and perceptions are not actually ignorant of space. The dependence on time over space, however, creates thoughts that are evenly divided across time and only minimally capable of idea compression.

But then you have the borderline individuals who are neither completely dependent on time or space but who are also not able to control their focus of dimension. I think borderline personalities are prone to unpredictable starts and stops in their balance of time and space. Hysterical personalities, however, try to fit a lot of space in very little time. AsPD and NPD aren't borderline personalities. Dependent personalities try to fit a lot of time in very little space.

My friend wants me to mention that maybe no one's insane and we just shame other people's different ways of comprehending reality to comfort our secret awareness that we can't comprehend reality either. My friend literally was the one to say that, I'm not talking about a voice in my head or an imaginary person or anything. Jesus!

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The Crucible

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Wed May 14, 2014 5:29 pm

I had a moment last night of deciding to let my mind really free and see what happens. I started thinking in stories like my mind likes to do, and there was a story of my ex crush taking me on a date, spiking my drink, raping me and then accidentally killing me.

He would get what he wants in being able to throw someone away when they're done to him, and I would get what I want. Someone would live their entire life with the thought of wanting me, because that was what they did right before I died, and became the ghost in the back of his head.

I really notice how attractive I am when I'm stoned. It's nice. Unfortunately, I also seem to become more aware of my physical condition and thus navigate as if more fragile. I secretly like that though because I feel fragility makes you look thinner.

I think I have a huge problem with omitting genuine feelings in favor of what is provoked, because I don't know the genuine feelings are there or that they mean anything! I think I distract the people who want to help me away from my real problems by exploiting the problems I am comfortable with. I can't even tell you what the real problems are because they are so bad! Both parts of me are trash, one of them just has a good sense of humor!

I say and genuinely mean a lot of the really self deprecating things I feel when I'm high, but I do it while laughing or just staring off into space. Is that conversion!? I've read about hysterics talking about death as if it's a vacation.

I'm just trying to see if I can be a concept to somebody. Maybe I'll be everything, maybe I'll be nothing, maybe I'll be anything. Maybe I'll be salvation, maybe I'll be punishment. Maybe I want to be innocence, maybe I want to be corruption. Wow. What an idea. I am an idea.

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