Things have been coming to a head with my son. His school refuses to educate him. When he asks like an aspie kid they throw him out of class. Now they want to throw him out of school. I'm not having it. I'm meeting with his principal and my lawyer tomorrow morning.

So...

Yes, that makes me a great mom sticking up for my kid like that.

However, the hell that I'm about to put myself through unmeasurable. The crash is coming. I will fall apart after this. The stress level will be sky high. I'm going to be pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone I don't even have words to describe it. Just got to suck it up. It's for my kid. Who cares about me. I'll deal with the fallout later.

Saturday I had to go through an extremely triggering event. I had to have a bleeding time test. I have a mild blood clotting disorder, and to see how severe it is, periodically I have to have this test. They cut my arm with a little razor blade and time how long it takes me to stop bleeding.

The good news: I did very well on my test. For all intents and purposes, it was in the normal range.

The bad news: I was a cutter as a teenager, and the bite and sting of the test was so good at pushing out thoughts about every other stress in my life, I've barely kept myself from having a relapse. I'm been doing a lot of rubbing dull knives against my skin - I can feel it, and it will leave a faint line, but I'm not even close to breaking the skin.

So far today - I haven't done it. I'm trying not to go back down that route because it's so addictive for me. Maybe I'll try some guided mindfulness work and see I can be content with a partial destressing...

I'm about to get away to a place where I can take a "break" from my AvPD. There are a few places in the world - Amsterdam, New Orleans, some say New York - where people are just nutty enough about being there and letting it all hang out that you don't seem to stick out as much, just because everyone's too wowed by their environment to notice you. What a mental relief.

Of course, I'm hugely anxious about it. I'd rather just hole up at home and be terrified that someone is going to knock on my door. Airports - oh my goodness, don't get me started.

But chances are excellent that I will never see anyone that I will ever run into again. There is an infinitesimally tiny chance I will hear the dreaded "I remember you." So I can make a complete jackass of myself and it won't become an heirloom family story to be reminisced about in massively inopportune moments for the rest of my life.

So despite feeling like I'm obliterating my comfort zone, I'm going to go and try to recharge myself. And my son is ecstatic about it, so his energy is rubbing off on me a bit. I've just got to forget everything and let myself be, if I can.

My son is autistic and gifted, and his school absolutely refuses to teach him the way he needs, insisting that he conform to them, which is impossible for him to do. Instead of doing what my son needs, they blame my parenting - he's exhasted! (untrue) - or threaten me with throwing him into the REAL school, aka the place they put all the bullies.

Doesn't that sound familiar? Criticism and rejection?

Because it's my son, I don't stand for that kind of treatment of him. Yesterday he saw yet another doctor who was dumbfounded by the school's inaction. And his case manager advised me to call a lawyer.

On the one hand, if those actions can get my kid the schooling he needs and deserves, it will all be worth it in the end.

On the other hand, it's so exhausting dealing with these people. It kills my soul to describe his actions and feel like I have to defend him, to watch the disgust of people's faces. Of course, I project the disgust - more likely it's confusion and defensiveness. The stress it causes me, unbelievable. I feel like I'm getting close to cracking. I'm sure that's the point of the school - if they play dumb long enough I'll give up.

But I can't give up on my son. Instead I will continue to damage myself and wear away at the progress I have made. I will continue to isolate myself so I can funnel every bit of energy into fighting for my son. I know it will take years to recover, if I ever do.

But, clearly I'm not as hyperavoidant as I've been in the past. There were periods that I never spoke to anyone for days. Someone told me I have the patience of a saint, and although my gut response was to refute it, I heard it.

I've learned how to stick up for my son. I don't see that translating to me sticking up for myself or being able to put myself first or believing in any form that I would be deserving of having someone fight for me the way I fight for him.

Now that's a scary idea. I wonder how many people with AvPD maintain them? Not many, I'd bet.

I've been dealing with my depression by becoming more avoidant. I've basically cut my mother, who is the primary cause of my avoidance, out of my life. When I pretend people "don't matter," or at least acknowledge that I don't matter to them, then I can talk to people. (Doctors still terrify me - the worst thing I can hear is "I want to see you for a follow up appointment.") If I think I never have to see anyone again, I can be frivolous, and not think about what they will think the next time they see me, because they won't.

So what does that mean - I'm becoming schitzoid? Or becoming "normal"?

Now - to find the guts to post this...