I'm married and I love my wife very much. We've been together for over twenty years. I've grown accustom to my lifestyle even though my wife can at times be bitchy, abusive and controls most of the money. Lately I met this woman thru the Psychforums and we began texting each other. I found out that she lives across the country. We text each other everyday in an effort to support one another and to try and stop each other from cutting. We have shared our life stories with each other. I know she is also married and has three older children. Long story short she has equally strong feelings for me. We realize we will never physically meet one another. What should I do? She understands my pain more so than my wife will ever know. Damn it she makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to waking up to. What should I do?

Charles

It's been about a month since I woke up with back and leg pain that was over 10 (1-10 with 10 being the worse). The first day I woke up with a 3 level pain I couldn't believe it. I just laid there in disbelief, especially since I have lived with this terrible pain that was always a 10 or higher for the past two years. I was afraid that if I acknowledged that my pain was finally low enough to be manageable, which was a 5 or lower. My doctors all told me that despite all the surgeries, implants and oral medication, I still will experience pain. They are all hoping my pain level will be at an acceptable level, like a 5 or less.

So for the past month I was able to wake up and get out of bed without being in horrific pain and wishing for a quick death. As I feared, this morning I woke up to a 10+ pain level. I couldn't move an inch without pain shooting up and down my entire back and my left leg (sciatic nerve damage). It didn't help having my wife grabbing and shaking me back and forth. I somehow managed to roll out of bed and stumbled around getting ready for the day. I took my oral pain meds this morning, but they did little to help. At this point I'm ready to cry, but I don't want my wife to worry about me, so I suck it up and try not to limp about and show my pain.

I spent the rest of the day experiencing even more pain in my arms. My wife is deaf, so I sign with her and a few times while I was signing to her my arms would go limp like I lost all feeling in them and they just plopped down! It's been about 7-9 months since I had pain in my arms. My arms would go numb everyday, but the pain had stopped until today. No, I didn't fall down or do anything to myself that caused this round of horrific pain and loss of control of my arms. I actually wish I did something physical that can explain why I'm hurting so badly, this way I know what not to do in the future.

As I'm typing this my right arm and hand is throbbing! I doubt I managed to successfully convey exactly how much pain I live with. I wish I could have my doctors and other people in my life touch my arm and have the 10+ pain transfer into their body temporarily, so they can understand... Understand why I want to put an end to my suffering and kill myself. I cut myself a lot...out of frustration and out of pain. I have multiple scars on my arms and legs, some that needed stitches, but I never go to the ER. Instead I let them heal on their own, which results in larger scars. I have a shrink and I've been inpatient in a Psychward 4 times last year.

I'm ready for the pain to end, I'm ready to die. If you only knew how much pain I'm in, you would understand why I must die.

Hello, I'm a cutter...

Why do I cut? What turned me into a self hater who scars his body and often wants to die?

I'm a 44 year old man who has seen his world fall apart two years ago. I was seriously injured on the job to the point of full disability. I can no longer do the job I lived to do, which was Police work. Add to that the fact that I suffer horrific pain everyday due to my back injury. I have crushed a total of 9 discs in my upper, middle and lower back and have to use a cane to walk.

Not only do I have permanent nerve damage, but as a result I lost function of my bladder and need to urinate with a catheter and a leg bag. I have had several surgeries to include a two level cervical fusion, an interstim implant for my bladder and a Morphine drug pump implant. Despite these surgeries, the Morphine pump and oral pain meds I am still in a great deal of pain all day and night; awake and sleeping. I still have a few more surgeries I must endure in the next year. This physical pain alone is one reason why I cut myself.

Since I don't have any control of the constant pain related to my back injury I at least have control over the pain I endure when I cut myself. I don't scratch myself...when I cut I cut deep and I have scars over 70% of my body. I often cut out of anger or frustration, because I lost my passion for life when I lost my career as a Police Officer. It's extremely difficult to go from being physically able to chase bad guys, make arrests and help others to someone who can barely walk and is in constant pain.

Over the past two years I have gone from a mentally confident and competent person to a mental basket case. Now I must say that prior to my career ending injury I suffered from PTSD and bouts of depression related to my Police experiences while employed by NYPD during 9-11 and survivor's guilt. Also, growing up I would from time to time cut myself. Oh yeah and when I was 13 years old I slit my wrist and OD on medication in an attempt to end my life. It was really tough covering up the huge ass scar on my wrist, especially while applying for work as a Police Officer. I don't regret the scar, I regret the fact that I lived. Looking back I guess there have been many times where I was in harms way and could of, should have died, but didn't. This happened more often of course during my Ten years of Police work. Looking back now I can honestly say that I wanted to be a Police Officer so I could die. Had you asked me while I was still working as a Police Officer I would have said it was so I could help people and save lives.

Anyways, I now suffer from a whole host of mental disorders, such as Major Depressive Disorder, BiPolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and a couple of other disorders that escape me at this time. I'm taking a handful of medication daily in the hopes of controlling my mental and physical pain.

It's not working, I can't sleep and the urges to cut keep getting stronger. I also envision me cutting my own throat with a knife. I can be sitting on the couch watching a TV show and out of no where I see it...I see the knife in my hand held to my throat. I wonder, is this how I am supposed to die? I always hoped it would be via lead poison ( aka a bullet). No matter, I keep cutting and my wife sees the cuts and scars and naturally freaks out. I'm putting her through hell and that just adds to my anxiety and frustration that often boils over and results in even more cutting! I wish I could post pictures so you can see my scars and know that this is for real. I'm living a nightmare and I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak. Two years ago I was a decent role model for other Officers and the community I lived to protect and serve. Now...now I am suicidal and spend most of my time at home, in pain and alone.

The urges are becoming too great and I'm fast losing any control. My cuts are becoming deeper and deeper. How can I cut out the ugly side of me when...

[ Continued ]