I had another "moment" just now. I thought about how bitter and insensitive I was in the past. Especially toward my mother, I thought about how I was so closed off and uncaring when she was trying everything to help me, and I was overtaken by emotion. I held back the tears that wanted to come through, but if I wanted to I probably could have easily let it all out right then and there. Even as I type this, I'm still doing it a little.

I feel so guilty about the way I've been wishing she'd just forget about me, wishing I'd never have to be in any contact with her again.

It was horrible of me.

Other than that, I've still been feeling pretty worthless, and that I've never made a positive difference to anyone. Other users have spoken of how they lost a loved one, grew up with careless parents, been treated with blatant disrespect; all the atrocities, and it's made me think........... "Who am I to complain?"

I'm doing it right now. Bottling up my feelings because I can't speak a word of them. I can't make it with no one to rely on. What do I mean to anyone? I can't even imagine what it must be like to know that there's at least one person who you matter to, and to be perfectly fine with sharing all your emotions with them. Expressing what's inside.

I don't see myself ever getting as far as that. I am someone who doesn't have the empathy to understand them well, would be a huge burden to them with my moods, never had the chance to develop the social skills that everyone else did - instead I just got to look on and watch myself fall behind, further and further. And I can't even get past the point of meeting them for the first time because I can't talk to them in a way that's humanly typical.

Nobody can give me a solution, I'm left either to somehow find one, or just resort to the only means of refusing to put up with life anymore.

Why am I feeling so upset? This is unusual for me.

Oh, who am I kidding. Why wouldn't I be upset? On top of all the things I've talked about before, I'm thinking this family would be better off without me. They don't have any authentic reason to grieve; I know they would anyway, to an extent, but what I'm saying is that I've done nothing to be missed for. All I've been is this insensitive recluse who wants no involvement with them.

On a few occasions very recently, I've actually started to get a little teary-eyed. I didn't cry, I've lost the ability to do that, but I became overwhelmed by emotion for a moment, a few times. But strangely, I'm not feeling suicidal in this state. I've thought about how depressing it is to know that once we, and all the people who matter to us are gone, there's nothing left. Just names in the obituaries. In the long run, it's hardly any time at all before nobody on Earth even remembers us.

And I still don't know what to do.

But not a new start. No, just a new number on the calendar.

I watched a video on Youtube, from a certain individual who's uploaded a lot of inspirational stuff. He says that if you're using the new year as motivation to start changing your life for the better, 'you're doing it wrong,' in his wording. He explains, the year's only new at the very beginning. By the end of the first week its not much of a thing anymore, and by the end of January, its just the same thing again.

I never did believe in new year's resolutions.

What you need to do, as he explained in the video, is think about the things or people that really matter to you. Whether its your parents, your children (if you have any), a spouse, your dream career, whoever or whatever means a lot to you - the most motivating thing is to think about them. An example - if you have a young son or daughter, think about what you want to become of them. Think about how you want to be a good example for them. That's where you should be looking for inspiration, not a new number on the calendar.

Personally, I think I'm gonna focus down what I want to become.

2016: Crap
2015: Crap
2014: Crap
2013: Crap
2012: Crap
2011: Crap
2010: Crap
2009: Something's not right
2008: Something's changing
2007: Not bad
2006: Good
2005: Good
2004: Good

I can't remember any earlier years well enough to list them, in fact, I could probably count every memory I have of '03 and '02 on my fingers, and absolutely nothing from further back. But since that was the beginning of my life and everything was so much better back then, I'll just say they were good.

You may think I'd be nostalgic of those times, but I'm actually not. I'm not, because when I think back to my childhood I always think of how it all went horribly wrong and all the pain that was in store. I think about how I was headed straight for that and didn't even see it coming until the last minute, not that it would have done any good. It was inevitable.

2017.........I'm not even gonna ask. I don't have faith in you. Just look at the pattern.