"Butterfly dream"
by myself (it's out of copyright. sue me.)

Once I dreamt I was a penguin, swimming around, happy with myself and doing as I pleased. I didn't know I was a person.

Suddenly I woke up and there I was, a solid and unmistakable person. But I didn't know if I was a person who had dreamt I was a penguin, or a penguin dreaming I was a person. Between a person and a penguin there must be some distinction!

Nah, maybe not.

Let's see how confused people will be over this new avatar of mine...

For posterity: http://batteryinyourleg.com/blog/wp-content/Media/2009/10/imogen-heap-4.jpg

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From: {me}
To: {my ex-"potential girlfriend"}
Date: 28 April 2012

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(Okay just to be clear, this one's actually supposed to be a monologue, there's no need to reply. I'm just venting, to my friend ;)

I've been going through a whole spectrum of unidentifiable feelings today (none of which were apparent to anyone but myself, as expected) but I'm sure my brain will sort them out in due course. That's what those billions of brain cells are there for. I guess what I'm saying is, I do have strong feelings, and I allowed myself to, because you were worthy of them. I don't regret it.

That said, I'm surprised that I'm already starting to see the bright side. For one thing, this whole time I was always so focused on helping you (even when you didn't need it I guess -- I think it stems from hearing your story about your recovery when it was still fresh, back when we first met) that I didn't think of how you could help me too. You can actually relate to people. I don't think I know what that is like. You say you see yourself as alone, but you have your family (an awesome one, I've been told). I have roommates I'm genetically related to. How can you live inside my head (you have your own room there) without driving me nuts? You're the only one with that power. Maybe someday you'll be able to explain it to me, and then I'll have the key to the doors I'm supposed to open when I face them :)

I still think there's something you're running away from. But I guess today I'm more aware that I myself am running from something too. I'm comfortable being who I am (which involves a lot of being alone) but I'm not comfortable with being lonesome for the rest of my life. We're so alike but we're so different. I think you're still going to teach me how to conciliate detachment and attachment. Or maybe we'll teach each other. I like to think this is possible.

So thank you for being sincere. I value you even more because you were.

And thank you for existing.

{me}

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To hold it up and keep it taut.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csrQgWBgfo8

I just can't stop staring at this cute little owl. I want a real one.