Like so many gamblers, recovery is a process that I have tried and failed many times. I have tried GA meetings, therapy, and even inpatient treatment. It's a goal that I have always thought I wanted, but it wasn't until I came across a method on a site called iaddicted.com, called the ia method that it started to make sense to me why I have been so unsuccessful. My friends and family and my therapists have all given me bits and pieces of advice that make sense, but this approach really hit home to me. The first step, which is where I am a,t really made me think about what acceptance means. Most people familiar with GA and any addiction programs have heard people say that acceptance is the key to recovery, but after reading through this, something hit home with me. It says to accept who you are, accept where you are, and accept the challenges and hard work that are part of the recovery. There are more aspects of acceptance that it discusses, but these hit home for me personally. It's not just about accepting that you have an addiction. For me, one of my major obstacles is accepting who I am. One of my major triggers is loneliness. I can't be alone with myself and I haven't begun to accept me for me. On each attempt at recovery I have been able to accept that I have a gambling addiction. I have been incredibly honest with myself and other's, but it's been the other parts of the acceptance step that I have been avoiding. Also it says to accept that you are stronger than the addiction. So as I begin this recovery process again, I am starting with a more complete acceptance of my addiction. I accept that I am stronger than this demon. I accept that I am worthy of happiness. I accept where I am and most of all, I accept the challenging road ahead completely.

True friends listen to you when you just want to talk. They call you back when they've missed your call. True friends don't judge you when you open your heart and expose your flaws. They support you when they know you are down. They encourage you when they know you are fighting and doing your best. They help dust you off after you have fallen. They give you a hug when you need one and a shoulder to cry on when tears start to come. They never roll their eyes when you say I am quitting gambling for the 100th time and they never make you feel bad when you come back and tell them that you've relapsed and it's going to be day 1 for the 101st time. In order to get through this, we all need true friends. To all of you who have judged me or turned your back on me when I needed you most, "Goodbye, I deserve better". To those of you who only want the best of me but not the worst, "I am only human". To those of you who need a true friend to get through these trying times, "I am here".
We all need someone we can be open and honest with. Someone to share our hopes, dreams, fears, and failures. We all need true friends.

I've dug a pretty sizable hole. Combine a run of incredibly bad luck with emotionally horrible and reckless betting decisions and voila, giant hole. Most people know it as the "threshold of misery", aka "I don't give a (insert choice of expletive)". It's the hubris of every gambler which leads to much regret and further debt. When lady luck seems poised to break you, the addict in you fights back with the time tested endurance approach. "I will keep going because this can't last forever". Unfortunately it can outlast most gamblers' bankrolls, including any additional debt they wish to incur. At the end of the day, the losses leave you with one thought. "One last bet". Somehow that last bet will be the one. It will be that miraculous bet that will change your luck and your fortune. It will set you off on a winning streak like none you've had before. It will answer all of your financial woes and help you live the lifestyle you deserve. Or it could be just more of the same. Perhaps you win. Perhaps you lose. In the end you will be faced with a mountain of regret and debt and figuring out how to rid yourself of this thing called addiction. One last bet is never a good idea.

The idea behind gambling is to win money. While most of us with gambling addictions have other motives and reasons for gambling, we all want to win. The problem with winning, is it re-enforces the notion that you can win. It is so difficult to stop gambling if you have been gambling and winning. You fool yourself into thinking that gambling isn't a problem. You tell yourself that you are in control. Ultimately in the long run, the house of cards comes crumbling down. It's an incredibly destructive pattern of positive re-enforcement.

When I'm gambling, past wins and losses always seem to influence how I gamble, what I gamble, and how much I gamble. If I won big the night before, I can't wait to get back to the table to win more. If I lost big the night before, I can't wait to get back to the table to win it back and get back to even. I never seem to start at a base point, and either way I have a certain level of anxiety present based off of previous days. All the mistakes I've made and financial issues I've created for myself come with me to the casino. All the problems I'm having and stresses I'm feeling come along for the ride as well. The very reason I go is based on hard wired routinized behaviours all developed from past feelings, emotions, and experiences. Letting go of the past and freeing yourself from the grip it has on your decisions is so important in navigating your way through recovery. Finding a way of being in the moment with an empty mind is so liberating. Finding a way of forgetting the past and moving forward is a work in progress, but a worthy goal.