Today was mixed.

I slept a lot compared to recently. Close to 8 hours - that's about average for me, I guess.

I had trouble getting up. I think I was catching up on the sleep I had been missing.

Today was my step-dad's birthday, so we all went to eat and shop.

The eating wasn't bad. It was pretty fun, actually. We went to a hibachi grill (first time for me). The chef was cool/entertaining, and it was interesting to watch how the food is cooked. It was REALLY cool. I would definitely go back, they are just so expensive. The food tasted great.

Other than that, being around my family just seems to make me more crazy and in a worse mood. Of course, I can't blame it all on that. The change in the sleep pattern probably shares at least some of the fault. Plus, I didn't take any Zyrtec in the morning. I ended up taking a few Advil that were int the car with pseudoephedrine, but they are mostly antihistamine (I think I took about 70mg pse total from it), and I didn't feel too energetic, but it did help a little and relieved most of the allergy eye and pain stuff. I can't tell the proportion of blame.

As far as the family goes, everyone is just so neurotic, and it feed into itself. It isn't directly bad, just generally negative. The parents get frustrated easily, both at each other/us and at the environment. I guess you can't really avoid negative thing from happening and having to talk about them. Still, everything brought up seems like it has a problem with it. They aren't really conversations, just one person talking about something, and the other person pretending to listen or pointing out how there is something dangerous or that the person won't like about it. The common body language is being impatient or frustrated. It feels like there is tension and no one is really fully connected. Maybe it is normal, but I really don't like it. I would rather be alone than around them.

Even still, maybe it is in my head. Maybe they are all happy and connected as could be, and I am just failing it for some reason. Either way, I know it isn't a pervasive problem with me because I CAN connect to others, especially as I have learned recently. Some friends, some professors, I actually feel a connection to when talking, and the conversations flow like they should or everything somehow seems genuine. When I am with my dad and my step-mom, it is genuine enough; even though they have substantially less money, we are happier and have fun and joke around. When I get away from these people, the problem should be solved. Of course, I am still going to have to deal with them occasionally. Maybe not much if I am lucky. Maybe it will get better the more I am away from them/as they get older.

I have been having fun with SSF4 AE

I suck so *very* *very* bad at it, but it is fun to see my own progress. To go from not being able to even do anything correctly other than hitting the normal attacks to being able to to Hadouken about 7/10 time to being able to to better things like air moves, supers, and pretty consistent Hadouken moves (but only in training mode ).

I tried to do a few online fights. One of them was against a pretty high-ranked person (6th on their character, I think. The bottom rank was 6 and the top one was in the 100s) and I got decimated. I didn't even get in a hit, ha ha. Another one I set to find someone else with low skill, but I still got beat 2-0. Its a cool game, though. Fun to play. I really like the flow of it.

The medicine is still awaiting the check to reach the place. I guess it will be a month or so before I get the stuff. I am looking forward to the selegiline. I am wondering if it will have much of an effect and if it will be positive. I am also interested in the anti-histamine coming (the same one as the guy was taking in the electric...

[ Continued ]

Since getting my blood drawn I haven been in a pretty good mood. Maybe I should start giving blood. Meh, I don't actually think it has much to do with the blood.

I haven't been sleeping too well, but I have still been in a good mood, and very alert with the exception of zoning out on a few occasions.

I have been sleeping, but not as much as I normally would. About 4-5 hours per night. Wednesday night 2-3 hours.

I feel more awake than normal. It is actually just as difficult for me to go to sleep when I try, and I don't feel tired in the slightest except sometimes my eyes get heavy. I am planning on catching back up on the sleep, though. I am kinda worried about how being tired makes you zone out. Yesterday, I wasn't paying attention in lab and kept pouring chemicals in a beaker even after it was full and it spilled all over the floor. Even though it is just one accident, and I don't think I am deprived enough to be dangerous, it still worries me, especially about stuff like driving a car.

I have been taking pseudoephedrine(120mg) in the morning, so that may have something to do with it. I have been getting the good leg-feeling, so that is probably a sign. I haven't been taking sulbutiamine.

Also, on twitter, I got a new follower yesterday I know in real life (I think it was yesterday).

I posted something that the girl retweeted, and this new person followed me presumably because of it. I don't know this person too much. I was kinda surprised that they would follow me, but they follow and have a lot of followers, so that pretty much explains it. She went to the same HS as me and we only know as acquaintance. She is an okay person, but not the kind of person I would hang out with; I knew her in earlier school, she stole my sonic advance game in 3rd grade (well, swapped it for hers. It was at the end of the year. Everybody brought games. Cartridges were passed around. I had beaten the game. She ended up with my game, and game me hers, telling me it was mine, but it had her initials written on it and wasn't beaten, and I explained and she still told me that it was mine. I only remember because I had to beat the whole game again and I was kinda pissed.)

Anyway, the new follower was nice to see.

A few other people also followed me, some people from a language-community I am interested in.

Twitter is nothing but an ego boost (but I guess my ego could use a bit of a boost)

I am actually feeling pretty good for now. I don't feel crazy or anything. I feel very, very sane and calm and in control.

I am waiting for my package to arrive. I ordered an arcade fighting stick (that was fairly inexpensive) with some of my birthday money. I guess it is nice to have rich family

Though my parents aren't too wealthy, half of my family has a good paying job (most are pilots) or is retired, and everyone seems to live forever. Combine that with me being the oldest grandchild, and I am very fortunate in that regard.

The stick should be here soon. It says it is out for delivery on the tracking, but it still hasn't arrived. I left a note on the front door just to be safe, telling them to leave the package outside the door. I can't wait.

I have been thinking about the doctor telling me I need to gain weight.

Maybe it is true. It may be a better hypothesis than high progesterone.

I am quite skinny (too skinny, probably). I don't really have any fat. I looked at a few pictures of me from about 3 or 4 years ago, and I definitely had fat on my face, which I have none of now.

It could possibly improve my appearance to gain some weight. It would make my cheeks less sunken.

I guess, if I work out, I could eat more, and gain some fat and muscle.

Gaining some fat would probably be good for my skin quality as well as general aches and pains, so I guess I can give it a try.

I am never hungry, though. That is the problem. I guess I just need to eat, regardless. That sounds like it could be a level in Dante's hell

Well, I went to get my blood taken today for the blood-test.

It was pretty useless.

She asked why I wanted it, and I just said because of anxiety and fatigue.

So, she told me she could only do thyroid and basic stuff, no sex-hormones or pretty much anything else on the list.

So, I guess that's it. I have a consultation with her in a week.

She asked how much I was eating, and I told her. I eat a granola bar for breakfast, don't eat lunch, and eat a pretty good supper.

So, she said that I need to eat more and that would probably help the anxiety. Well, that's kinda a catch considering the anxiety is the main reason that I don't eat. I just said "Okay, yes mam'".

I seem to lack the ability to explain my problems to people in person, I get too anxious.


On another topic, the stuff about the girl has been kinda bad.

Luckily, I am very emotionally dampened recently, so I am not going crazy or anything.

Still. It is very bad.

Last Tuesday night, some stuff went down on her twitter. Here's the story:

So, while the whole prom thing was going on, she was dating a guy on and off. After everything was over, she started dating him full-on, and, during the summer, he left to join the military. Apparently, she kept in contact with him and still liked him.

Tuesday, they were apparently talking on the phone. He told her that he possibly impregnated another girl...

She went absolutely bat-**** crazy. It was scary. I was worried. I texted her and asked if she was okay(stupid way to express concern, I know), but she didn't respond.

The next day, she closed her twitter because someone's parents apparently read some of her crazy posts and they did something. I don't know what exactly happened.

So, I texted her again. Again, she didn't text back.

I wasn't too worried about her. Even though she tears people apart and acts berserk in times like that, she is very strong and can get through pretty much anything (on an amazing level).

I kinda let it fade out of my mind.

But, of course, I can't let things fade out of my mind, so, yesterday, I asked her if she had made a new twitter. She said she had, and told me the name. So I look at it.

Some of her posts talked about smoking.

Smoking is NOT something that she does.

I don't know if she was talking about smoking cigarettes or weed, but she mentioned smoking twice, each time implying that she was smoking.

Plus, the posts were generally crazy until around Sunday when they start to sound more sane.

If she is smoking cigarettes... I can't do anything about it, but I don't know.

This is the strangest mixture of concerned and pissed right now.

I want to talk to her ask ask "What the **** are you doing?" Is she out of her mind? We have talked about, before, how disgusting cigarette smoking is. If she is seriously smoking, it is probably a self-harm sort of thing or stimulant-craving thing. She used to do the same thing with energy drinks, drink copious amounts. I guess I am glad that it is cigs and not amphetamine or something, but she shouldn't be smoking.

I feel like I should do something, but what can I do? I can't do anything, and this is so frustrating.

Surprisingly, I am not feeling too guilty about this even though I realize if I would have gone to prom with her, there is a significant chance that everything would be good.

Right now, it is just that focused feeling.

I have been thinking maybe I should ask her to talk over coffee after classes on Friday. Still, what am I going to say "[hername], you shouldn't be smoking."? Yeah, she won't listen to me. I guess I could just express concern, but I doubt that is going to do any good.

I guess I have to try anyway.

I want to date her, but I doubt that is going to happen.

The 2nd best thing is to be sure that she is safe. Unfortunately, I can't do a good job of that.

I just hope she doesn't screw everything up for herself. She's very bright and beautiful, but she can't help but to get mixed in with everything,...

[ Continued ]

Okay, I was looking up the things I want tested in the blood test. We scheduled it for a week from tomorrow.

Something that caught my eye was that high progesterone causes
Anxiety, depression, skin irritation, muscle soreness/inflammation

so, I decided it would be worth it to look up progesterone and the skin stuff, since this is a problem I have sometimes, especially today.

When it is really bad, I sometimes sweat thickly, almost sticky. I think I have written about it before.

Anyway, I decided to search for that specific symptom, getting side-tracked. Turns out, other people have it too. It seems like it is also a side effect of some medicines that help prostate enlargement and cancer.

Progesterone also helps these. I don't know if it is THE medicine that has the side effect, but if progesterone helps prostate problems, and things that help prostate problems sometimes cause this problem, I think maybe it is safe to say there may be some sort of connection between increased progesterone and this problem.

Here's the kicker, progesterone levels are lowered by increased D2 activity in an area just outside the brain. Low D2 activity can cause high progesterone. Low D2 activity is considered important in social anxiety.

There are a few problems with the theory. For one, I don't have gynecomastia. That is a pretty big piece of evidence against it.

Still, I am interested now. If good for nothing else, crazy theories are fun and make me hopeful

Here is what I have on my list to ask about being tested so far [if anyone reads this and thinks there is something I should add, message me]:

Histamine levels

Thyroid hormones

steroid-related hormones, especially
Progesterone
Prolactin
Testosterone
Dihydrotestosterone
androstenolone (DHEA)
Pregenolone
Cortisol
Aldosterone

Norepinephrine
Epinephrine

Insulin-like Growth Factor
Brain-derived neurotrophic factor
Human Growth hormone

Metals
Magnesium
Iron

Creatine
Anything to do with ATP or mitochondria

Anything that could be related to anxiety or fatigue