Well, here we are. I am 18. The big day, hooray for me. So, I'm an adult now.

To be honest, today hasn't been the best day. I mean, everyone else has been great. I went with my family to eat sea-food, and my grandparents gave me money and made me a great cake.

Unfortunately, I wasn't too hungry, and the money didn't really make me too happy. Of course, I smiled and thanked everyone, and ate the food anyway. I acted happy, and I think that is what matters.

The beginning of the day wasn't bad though, the eating and going to good-will before were pretty good. I found an old flight joystick for $4, and bought it. It works, and it is pretty cool; I used it to play some MAME games earlier. The food was good. I had taken the sulbutiamine, and everything was a bit above-average, experience-wise. It wasn't as good as on Friday, though. That feeling hasn't been back at all.

And I am noticing that it is getting worse at night. I can't tell if it is because I am back to normal at night, and it is just me becoming myself again that I hate, or if there is some kind of rebound or crash from the sulbutiamine.

Feeling guilty is the main thing, and I think that environment is kinda spurring that on. The girl has, during the past few nights, been having some kind of manic episodes, raging about stuff and sounding reckless. It kinda worries me that I may have something to do with it. Maybe I triggered some kind of mania or something by talking to her. Even if she doesn't like me, if she did at one time, and I am talking to her now, then that is enough to possibly trigger mania. It seems like a narcissistic thought, though. So much stuff happens in her life, just what happens in twitter is overwhelming for me.

I just think: if I could just talk to myself a year ago, everything would be okay. We would be dating, and she wouldn't be acting like she is now, and we would be so close to each other. It has almost been a year since she hugged me.

It must be a feat to be able to go almost a year without reciprocation, even with some possible rejection, yet still like someone just as much. It's some sort of hellish gift. Maybe it will be useful some day, but for now, it drives me insane.

As far as long term medicines go, sulbutiamine is a pretty crappy one. I am still undecided on it as far as short term medicines go.

I talked to my mom. I am going to get blood-tests sometime this week. They will be covered under insurance. I want to see if I have any imbalances that me are causing me to become fatigued easily.

I want to look better and build confidence, I think I have to. I have to work out some or else I am going to keep wasting away like this. If the blood tests come back normal, then I have no excuse. If there is a problem, then I can fix it.

I just want to feel okay. It has to happen eventually. Eventually I will be fully happy for the long term. I just have to keep working and waiting.

Well, I don't know what to think of the sulbutiamine. I just don't know.

On one hand, I think it is probably responsible for my mood the past few days.

This morning, Interpersonal communication was almost a nightmare. But I was able to do it, I think due to sulbutiamine. We had to find a partner and introduce ourselves and ask questions.

Of course, I had trouble looking for someone, meaning I just sat there. I am still myself, after all. But a girl partnered with me when I was one of the last people left.

Anyway, it went quite smoothly. We actually CONVERSED, like full on conversation where people are talking back and forth and everything. It was pretty strange, to be honest.

We had suggested conversation points to ask each other about, and we talked about them, but it wasn't just exchange of the points, there was actual conversation around them.

Turns out, she went to the same high-school as me, but a year older. We talked about friends and stuff. To be blunt, she is the kind of person I would have avoided like the plague in high-school, cheerleader, hung out with "that" group that is.... that group. You know how it is in high-school. To be honest, she seems like a bit of a b**** based on how she talked about stuff and how she scoffed at other people in the class when we had to share our findings about people. Luckily, I think I am gifted with something that makes me so pathetic or passive or something that somehow keeps people from being able to be b****y at me. Actually, near the end of the conversation, she mentioned who she had been dating. I think that I remember my mom actually teaching this girl and disliking her for either cheating or being disruptive. I was going to bring up "yeah, my mom is Mrs. []", but I decided it would be best not to.

Anyway, it was interesting to hear her talk about stuff. It kinda adds a human aspect to people. I mean, you recognize that everyone is a person, but to hear stuff from their point of view really makes you realize that everyone has a full life with problems and everything.

Anyway, I was feeling great from when I got to the school, the good feeling from the sulbutiamine. During chemistry, it was really strong, it seemed like. I think that "high" could have described how I felt. I first really noticed it in stats. It is a strange feeling, like everything is in control and okay. I would have said maybe it was from the conversation, but I don't think so because I really disliked the girl a bit, and it wasn't an ego-boost or anything.

If you have ever seen a painting or something that just looks surreal and perfect in some way, that is kinda how it feels. It is kinda like when your travel and then you go to sleep and wake up with the sun, and the light is extra-white, and everything feels rested and crisp and clean.

I don't think I payed any attention to the lecture in chemistry. I wasn't even affected by the fact that I made an 80 on my last quiz. I felt like smiling and looked out the window most of the class. When I got the paper back, I said something (initiated the conversation) to my pal who sits in front of me. We discussed the paper briefly. We exchanged notes on the lecture in several points where one of us had missed something.

I don't remember the lecture at all, though. I remember being happy and even the cars in the houses outside the window, and how great everything looked, a few notes that I wrote down.

If I was dieing, I would want that feeling pumped into me.

It kind worries me, though. I felt too good. I was definitely the happiest person in the room.

Also, time over the last few days has been so long, even longer than it was before. I feel like a day is a week.

A few hours after I got home, I took another to keep the feeling up, but it didn't work too well. It stayed for about 4 hours, but then it started to fall. I think there is something kinda depressing about my room, too. It needs a window, I think.

By 6 or 7 all the good...

[ Continued ]

Today was pretty great. I felt really good.

I think that the sulbutiamine really does help.

It makes me feel very confident, like everything is going to be good. It is possible that it is just mood swing effects, but this is different than other swings. I feel constantly calm and collected. I think it wears off pretty much completely after about 7 or so hours, weakened after 5 hours. Today I redosed after I got home (at about 3:00) to see if I was correct or if it was just getting tired or something.

Lab went well today. Sulbutiamine helped, but isn't the only reason.

It just feels good to be in that class. I feel like everyone accepts me. The chem teacher is awesome. They don't treat me like a strange, quiet person. There is a noticeable relationship between the class, and I am included.

My pal from calc talks to me in the class.

Yesterday, I had an actual kinda-conversation with him, the most interaction with anyone at college so far.

I can feel myself getting healthier. I don't know if it is because of facing my fear of rejection or the sulbutiamine. I think it is both. I just have to keep an eye on tolerance for the sulbutiamine, but so far it is the best supplement I have ever taken if this is its effect.

My chemistry teacher said that her boss (my student adviser) said that he was impressed with the fact that I had made a 4.0. That was a huge ego-boost. If I was being talked about in a good way, that makes me feel great, and the fact that the chem teacher cared to tell me makes me feel kinda warm.

My mother has been in a pretty foul mood recently, though. Today I got yelled at for leaving the livingroom light on (there are 4 light bulbs in it, and money doesn't grow on tress. Think of all the power I am wasting). It isn't too bad, though. I know how to deal with it, and I can retreat to my room

Okay, so I changed my mind about the not taking sulbutiamine.

I figure I should stay on it for a week or so and give it a chance.

Today, after taking it, I got the same feeling as yesterday morning. I don't know quite what it is, like a clarity or executive feeling. Kinda an increased confidence and reduced neuroticism.

Still, it has only been a few hours, and I am already feeling it wear off.

Waiting for computer science to start, I did talk to someone with little to no anxiety on my part. A guy approached me and asked me what I had done for the homework, and showed him my paper and explained that I had just gone through the slides and asked if there was anything specifically that he was talking about. He said that it looked like we had done about the same thing, and went away. In fact, it seemed like HE was the one with anxiety, which I wouldn't be too surprised of since it is CSCI, and Asperger's/social anxiety is the norm there (I fit right in, ha ha).

There still isn't much anti-fatigue factor. There is a good muscle feeling, but thinking of doing stuff still makes me feel like it will make me tired and I can't gather enough mental energy to do anything like exercise. I guess it doesn't cure laziness.

I think I am going to buy something, though, pregnenolone. It is anti-anxiety, and I figure it may be worth a try for energy. I figure it can't hurt, especially considering that I likely have sorta low sex-hormones in the first place, and it is a pretty safe place to boost them from.

Inspired by the schizoid workout thread, I am kinda wanting to get into shape a little. Currently, I look a lot like someone with aids, so adding a bit of muscle/fat probably wouldn't hurt. I have heard that being "in shape" actually physically and mentally feels pretty good. I guess I could give it a shot. Plus it would be nice to lower my heart rate a bit. Resting is about 90 right now, and it could be lower. My BP is good now, but the heart rate doesn't seem to want to go down.

The aspect of repetitive exercises seems relaxing to me.

A lot of this probably has something to do with being rejected by the girl, but it isn't conscious.

I kinda want to play Guild Wars 2, but I know my character looks exactly like the girl I like, and that could be triggering or something.

Well, it was fun. It was fun while it lasted.

Last night didn't go so well.

I asked her to let me know when she wasn't busy so that I could call her. I was planning on asking her on a date over the phone. She just replied with "okay", and then a few hours later, she was posing stuff on twitter about talking to other people on the phone, and then she had an episode about some guy who she used to date (first she was saying she missed him and then she was intensely mad at him and kinda went crazy).

So, she never texted me or anything. It kinda hit me hard last night. I cried a lot, but I managed to fall asleep okay.

So, the fantasy/illusion is pretty much burst.

Thankfully, though, I am not staying in the crying, really-bad-feeling mode. I feel really dampened/elongated/sluggish, but I am not actively feeling bad.

On the plus side, I had a really good dream last night, and that is really good because I normally have nightmares in situations like this. I dreamed that a friend and I were playing PS2 games online somehow. The games we were playing were all dinosaur based, and it was really cool. In my dream, they were games that I had remembered from childhood, but in reality, they weren't real games. There were several of them, one was like a dinosaur fighting game for the PS1 that I used to play with my brother, but it was more like street-fighter in the dream. The other one was a lot like Star wars Demolition for the dreamcast, but with dinosaurs and the two teams were dinosaur and human, and I think we had to hunt each other down or something, but it had the same style as the Star Wars game. There was one that was something like Turok and Halo mixed, but with more dinosaurs, but I can't really remember it except for thinking of the comparison in the morning.

I actually woke up in a good mood. We had been having a lot of fun playing the games in my dream. It was like how video games used to be before everyone was so much how we are now.

I had a pretty good morning, too. I had to wake up early and go by the bookstore to get a few books. I went, and the guy that was working there was really nice. You know, there are some people who seem genuinely nice, not just the service-worker forced nice-ness. I actually felt the most normal that I have in a long time. He told me that I could save about half price by renting one of the books, and I did. I asked him about what renting it involves, and he explained it, and it sounded like a deal. I know it doesn't sound like a good conversation, but the empathy thing was there, the thing where there is flow or something to the conversations.

Then, I was reading one of the books in the lobby in front of my class because I was afraid I was going to have a test on it today, and an older woman who is in the same class was sitting beside me reading it too. She said something to me, and I think I responded pretty well. She said that the textbook was strange (it's formatted as a magazine, which I really don't know how I feel about), and I agreed and said that I read differently. She agreed back, and said that she sees why he chose the book, though, and I acknowledged and got back to reading. I did kinda drop the conversation there, but we WERE both reading, and I don't think it was a bad thing to do. Luckily, we didn't have the test today because I didn't finish the chapter.

Other than those two instances, I was worse than normal today. I was having some trouble thinking, and was just feeling really down.

I'm not sure what to make of the sulbutiamine. I am not in a stable position right now to judge its effectiveness, but It doesn't seem to be doing much.

Yesterday I had to go rock-climbing, and I took some of it, and I didn't have ANY more energy at all. I think that the energy thing is an effect of isolation, nothing else.

I haven't been any more social throughout most of the day, just those two times this morning, but that isn't enough to not be coincidence.

One thing that...

[ Continued ]