These are the things that give me anxiety and are pulling me down:

- My grandma might die soon
- My parents are getting older and I don't get to spend much time with them anymore - I'm petrified that they will die soon.
- My dad just wants to spend time with me but Im being pulled in so many directions I barely spend time with him. I miss him so much.
- My mom is the only one who gets me. But that terrifies me. I love her so much but she is a huge source of trauma for me.
- My sister is toxic but also depressed and hates that I don't hang out with her more. I hate that too.
- My partner is depressed and stresses me out. I love her so much but I don't know if she is manipulating me emotionally. I hate not really knowing.
- My partner hates how inept at sexual intimacy I am. I resent that she doesn't understand why.
- Money - I dont make enough of it. I just want to be able to take care of my parents.
- My career feels like its going nowhere because I cant focus 100% of my energy on it - I only have so many spoons and I resent that fact
- Everybody wants something from me and I always feel like I'm scrambling to keep up
- I'm emotionally exhausted. I can't deal with this anymore. Im being crushed.
- I can't settle on an artistic style
- I have no friends because I have no energy to make/keep them.
- I over extend myself and over work myself so I don't think about any of these things - until they are brought back up, and my emotional response is out of control.

I'm new here. So I'm sorry I wasn't quite sure where to post this.
I'm really emotionally exhuasted. I had a severe emotional outburst at my sister and dad over Mother's Day weekend, and now my partner is telling me I'm responsible for where they are at in their own head.
As far as my partner goes, let me explain -
October of last year, I ######6 broke. I was in a place where I lost friendships, I didn't know what was real anymore, and I was so tapped out that I was convinced that I was being emotionally manipulated/abused by my partner, but I loved her and couldn't bear to leave her. I told her I desperately needed some space, and after three years of living with one another, we are now seven months into living apart. It was a really traumatic experience, telling her I needed to live on my own for awhile, and we fought and screamed and cried at one another. I can't even begin to write here how hard it was on both of us. My partner didn't want to, and she told me that living apart was going to ruin her mental health. But I had to stick to my guns. I had to. I just had to. I wasn't myself, I wasn't pursuing my career and I wasn't really living. My relationship with my family ( who, despite my intro to this post, I am very close with) was strained and to a boiling point.
Cut to now, like I said, seven months apart - We still see each other every week. We have a dog that we both adore and I take him every weekend. We have bumps in the road, but everything seems to be going okay. I just landed a great job, I am slowly processing my trauma and coming to terms with my mental instabilities - I don't have an official diagnosis, but I am working really hard to find a therapist ( something that is now stalled by the change in employer). But she still blames me. She blows up on me randomly, waits until the last straw breaks the camels back and always ends up saying/texting : "I didn't want to be in this position/mindstate!" // "I ######6 hate this and you did this!" // "I told you this is where I would end up".
This crushes me. I go from feeling like she supports me in my struggle with my mental health, and then she does this. She blames me for how she feels now that she lives alone. She blew up on me today because I was supposed to come see her after work, but traffic was so bad that it would have taken me over two hours to get to her. So she told me to go home. I was trying to find an alternate route but just couldnt. She lost her $#%^ and basically told me that she always gets the short end of the stick and telling me that she isn't okay isn't going to solve everything.
She knows im in an emotionally fragile place right now, and I just can't take being held responsible for everyone else's feelings. I want to have my own feelings. I want to be able to stay home by myself if I need to. I need to not be worried about her. I love her and I want to be there for her, but I'm so exhuasted. I'm crying right now typing this.
I feel buried under a hill of stress and trauma and I feel like I can't get out.
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