ive been bizzy over xmas season i have had some time to jump on. im getting sick of my job cos i dont get enough work at the moment. im only getting like 3 clients a week. and its had to find a job i am trying but living out of the city makes it hard cos i dont want to travel to far ill travel 30klm there. and then my mood change and are up and down witch makes it hard cos its like my mind dosnt now what it wants depending on my mood. my confidence and selfesteam change all the time its so enoying. cos i want my mind and body to just want to feel good be in good happy mood have all the energy so i can work a better job. but it just dosnt hang around for long the mood.

i get up for work shower breakfast. i had planed to shower one elderly client thats 30klm away then go to the gym because i had a gap in between her and the next shower client. i only had 2 for the morrning. im driving along and im only 10 mins away. i left early because the client i shower always says im late but im not her clock is fast by 10 mins. so thought id get there early to make her happy. so 10 mins away and my car started running like its was running on 3 cilenders. and then it stolled in the middle of a very bizzy road in peack hour traffic grr. i @!@@@! and had to make quick dicision so pulled into to turning lane hopping it would roll through the lights into the side street so off the road because i couldnt pull up on the side i was on because its like a ditch off the side of the road. so didnt make it to the side street. it just conked out at the start of the turning lane. evry one was tooting i had my hazards on how silly and impationt people can be i wasnt in there way. and if the had to get to the turning lane i was at the start of it any way so they could still pull in up to the lights. i ring husband tell him im in the middle of the road. should i call the cops to help push me and direck traffic to avide an accident for people that arnt concintrating on the road. he say no. so he rings his uncal hes a macanice. i ring work to tell them i wont make it. so im sitting there for 10 mins then i try starting the car she starts so i turn down side street and up on to the grass why waiting for the uncal. left car running was to scard to turn off incase it didnt start again. i just wanted to get it home. uncal turns up and follows me home. it seem to be lacking in power to the starter motor. so i didnt get to go to work or the gym. but at least i got my car back home and its not sitting on the side of the road some were. i was on the verdge of having a panic attace why all this wa happening. at home listening to calm relaxing music just to carlm my nerves down a bit. my cat is booked in for his yearly injection tonight. poor him.

this last 5 days has not been so good. up down up down so enying. i might wake fine on a 5 the go up to a 7 then around lunch come down to a 3 then after dinner go back up to a 6 or 7 then bed time comes cant sleep. blah blah blah same shhitt every week or few weeks or hours or days its just so exusting and draining just to go to work every day . having to deal with normal life and the all the cyclothymia crap as well can be just to hard some times but at the end of the day u still have to make money pay those bills cook that dinner do that washing that dosnt do its self. grrrrrr. being a child is so much easier no stress or worry like the reall world blah blah blah.

well im happy with how todays sesion went. very releaved got my answers. i can stay on my medication why conciving and being pregnant. but first we have to concive. it might not happen right away just have to be pasiont and see were things go and what happens. its good to be able to come on here and talk about it to concidering i cant say or tell any one out alowed till im 3 months just to be on the safe side. i told him about my zoo episode. he said it was good i noticed what what happening and my symtomes and that me and huby went and did our own thing 4 a bit so i could controlle my moods the best i could and calm down be4 meating up with the others again. it makes me proude hes proude and that things are getting there with some things slowly and that im doing my best to controle my mood shifts when out so there not noticable to others. the only thing is that he said about being on the meds was that towards 6 7 months then wed drop dose a bit cos baby comes out a bit druged up and the meds go through the brest milk and with go through baby so we worry about that when we get there.

i have to leave in half an hour to go to app. not much has happend between last time and now just 1 mild episode but that all normal for us. i have to tell him about that. and i want to find out about the meds thing why conciving or being pregnant cos no one seems to no. witch it is a very important thing to now well for me be4 going throw all of it. its got me beet. ive checked google but each site say different. thats why id like to here from some one that has experianced and gone throw it all from start to finish. just so i know what ways r done and not done. ill get back to u all after my app. xoxobe happy every one and look after your selfs.