I took the MMPI-2 today 567 true or false questions. It took everything I had not to correct the grammar on that test. I mean seriously the word oftener, who uses that in a sentence?

I found it difficult to focus on the test, the questions were rather simplistic but wanted direct true/false answers. I felt like I needed to explain some of my answers.

I will find out the results next week.

Today has been a good day, the weather is cooler now and windier but nice. We had pumpkin night with friends. Carved pumpkins,drank cider and listened to reggae. It was a nice way to spend the day. I take the MMPI on Friday, I wonder why I have not been given one before now. Anyway, here are some interesting things ( in my opinion).

Word of the day : Hamartia : a fatal flaw leading to the downfall of a tragic hero or heroine.

Site of the day : http://www.uncommongoods.com

Song of the day : Ordinary day by Great Big Sea
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wcjBU8zbdY

Book of the day: As I lay dying by William Faulkner

Cannot sleep again, I went to bed at 11Pm only to wake at 3am and now my brain will not shut up! I decided I would get out of bed for a little while give my brain a tiny release and try again. I know that if I just lay there I will get into a fit of rage and pissed off because I cant flippin sleep.

I don't know if I need to put a trigger warning on my own blog but to be safe and considerate I thought it best for at least this one. Here are some random writings I have done not recently mind you, but I thought I would share anyway.

Title- The Hungry Beast
Ripping flesh in a bloody mess, as your body's thrown upon the floor hunger hunger the beast needs more.
He satisfies his appetite, but it's his will you cannot fight.
Soon again you'll be alone and his dark soul will be your home.
Scream some more the pain is sweet, He ignores your cries for he's the beast.

Screaming anger from within now you know his bloody sin,
and you know it will not last long,but the pain will live on.

Scream my child roaming free cause the end will never be.

His grasp is cold, His bite is fierce. Close your eyes and feel the pierce, from the teeth he has not of and feel the feelings that are not love.
Feel the coldness from his soul and hear the stories that are untold.

As he tears you piece by piece your pain will never cease
From the eyes of a careless soul the pain of his pleasure is getting old.

Pray to God you'll soon be dead, the end of your life runs through your head.
Your body is numb your feelings are cold, you feel you have been bought and your soul has been sold.

Screaming anger from within now you know his bloody sin,
and you know it will not last long,but the pain will live on.
Scream my child roaming free cause the end will never be.

Title - Blackness
Blackness creeping, crawling, seeping through every pore. Swimming through my veins toxic and putrid, No dawn only night black as coal . Numbness, no emotions, no happiness just hallowed out pits in my soul. People walking, talking, laughing, mingling, mindless drivel. Sounds annoying sounds clamoring in my ears. Can't sleep, racing thoughts controlling my mind. No solace no place to be alone even my mind is crowded. Talking, noise, crowds, people, overwhelming. Happiness , joy ,tears, sadness, longing for people. These things are foreign to me a mere paragraph in a book, or plot in a movie. Anger, rage, violence, these things I understand these are home to me. The screams in my mind are deafening is there a way to silence it all?


Title - Let me be
Time is scarce, it's slipping away. Today is the first day of the rest of my life or so they say. The future seems bleak or is it just me? I cannot find sunshine through the pain. Life or death which will it be? Living is the hardest, death seems the key. Leave the earth or stay with you, where and when will I have to choose? My face shows no emotion no tears will you find, the pain of my past has cursed my mind. People are toys to be hunted like prey, I get what I want and it's they who pay. There is no remorse only my selfish gain. Step into my world and you will not survive, you will be chewed up and spit out and left to die. You can stay or go there is no difference to me, I would rather be left alone just let me be.

Mood: Exhausted
Listening to: Blake Shelton - Sure be cool if you did


It is one of those nights where I cannot get my mind to shut up. I am so sleepy but alas it manages to escape me. Racing thoughts and the like, This is my first time online today and it is 4:45 am so I guess that would technically mean that I was not online at all yesterday. I have not been able to focus enough on one thing to read a book. That is very stressful as reading is an outlet for me, I have my youtube playlist playing on shuffle so I don't even have to make a decision about a song cause right now my mind won't let me even think on it enough. I thought coming on here and writing for a bit would make me feel better or at least give me something to do but even now it is difficult to focus enough not to stray the subject. I love music there is rarely a time in my life that music is not playing. I listen to just about every genre I can think of with the exception of polka. Lately when I try to go to sleep paranoia takes over, it seems like the moment I become "still" the $#%^ hits the fan so to speak. Paranoia,agitation, conversations in my head with more than one voice. WTF? I moved across the country and have yet to see a therapist or mental health professional for that matter. I have been off meds since roughly June. I sometimes feel like I am watching my life play in front of me like a movie without the option to react. I mean my body is reacting but I am not, what the hell is that about? The other night I went to bed around 3 am to try to sleep but the moment I stopped listening to music and reading articles online and settled down in my bed with the lights off it got ugly. First the paranoia set in, it was extreme. I felt like I was screaming inside my mind but no sounds escaped me. It seemed endless then a soft little crying voice was in my head like a thought but not my thought. Then the weirdest thing happened.... I got this mental image of a little girl crying holding a teddy bear curled up in a corner. I don't know how I knew but the little girls name is Sophia and she is 6. I have never seen this little girl before so how would I know her in my mind? Let me say this, My name is not Sophia and I have never personally met anyone by that name. After the image of the little girl left the "screaming" in my head started back up. I don't know.... I am lost and not sure what is going on. After that night I called and made an appointment with a dr in the new town I am in. I am nervous about going to a new dr, I do not trust easily and I don't know if I can open up to them.