Please don't judge me

All my life I've been bisexual, so I'm attracted to females and transexuals, I don't like ordinary looking boys/men, I'm a pretty normal guy and I'm more in touch with my feminine side. One day I was sitting I'm front of my computer and was getting bored with the porn I usually see and out of no where scat came into my mind, I masturbated to hot girls taking a $#%^ solo or on each other for 20-25 minutes and after I came I felt disgusted and since then I can't imagine doing what I did again, it just disgusts me. What I don't understand is throughout my life I've hated poo, wee and other disgusting things that come out of a body until out of no where at age 23 I masturbated to scat, I don't know why it popped up in my head randomly and now it doesn't turn me on any more, it repulses me as it usually did through out my whole life, I can't imagine masturbating to any thing like that again! Because of this I'm planning to kill my self! I don't know what to do, it's too embarrassing to live with and it's more shocking that these good looking girls/woman do these things with no shame! It makes no sense! What should I do!? (I'm telling the truth it really repulses me but I can't understand why it turned me on for 25 minutes of my life) I've been homebound for nearly 2 years due to mental illness, I'm 25 very soon!