Hrmm what is there to say of my psychology?

I am aware of invert narcissist, covert narcissist and autism traits to my personality. Also emotional codependency - HOWEVER I have functioned with loneliness for so long that I seem to be... over it? Though the lack could explain delusions and delusional beliefs. Though I can find rational ways to explain away those.

I feel like I'm changing... That's possible right?

I've become so increasingly self-centred (but secretly so) and pondered more anti-social things as well as my own extreme lack of consideration for morals, believing I'm above morals, that I'm superior. I do believe these things. It seems like through logical happenings (religious, spiritual, psychic ideas) I've been let through logical emotions (disappointment, anxiety, delusions) to have become something like the natural psychology of more socially disturbed folk. Hrmm.

So I realise now that nobody was ever going to love me

I had such a high opinion of myself. I figured I was kind, charming, intelligent, fun, attractive, patient and basically all good things.

Maybe it's a gay thing. Or maybe I'm delusional about myself. The only gay people that take an interest in me on apps are fat or ugly or retarded. But I do notice that when gay people catch sight of me in person they will do things like "like" my statuses more. So I dunno maybe I'm being dumb with this. Maybe if I just went out to clubs and socialised I woulda found someone who'd love me. Someone acceptable.

The universe and my spiritual path hated me and wanted the worst for me. I had personal problems to overcome too, that being codependency and I suppose a lack of emotional fortitude.

Anyway I want to make people fall in love with me and crush them, which is a thing I learned is possible to do. It will be the only way I can be loved. If you dump someone or the break-up is mutual they'll forget you in some months, but if you leave them you could inhabit their psyche for years... I deserve to be loved by many people cause I'm superior and enlightened.

No, my boyfriend barely lasted over a week in an official capacity.

He cheated on me with some guy and sent me pictures and the other guy messaged me to brag and say it was the funnest relationship he ever ruined.

Nice. Imagine having that much power. I don't think I could do it myself. But like, I didn't like my boyfriend that much anyway. I "exposed" them on Facebook because I felt I had to cause of the principle and I suppose I do have pride. So that was my little justice. I think I only want to REALLY hurt "bad" people, I wonder if that makes me weak.

I'm playing with the mind of some mentally challenged boy who is desperate for a relationship. And I suppose I always sorta "play" with Tinder matches, I always swipe right and it's fun to watch fat guys embarass themselves as they try to talk to me. Maybe I'll practice leading some people on.
Anyway, what my ex and that guy did to me was delicious and didn't hurt me at all. But I need to move on and find someone else. I want someone who will use and keep me.

And it's not the guy from before.

I thought about trying to get attention or playing with people's minds and it's just not as satisfying for me. I'd rather a longterm relationship that is nice. This guy seems the 'settling down' type. I wonder how long we'll last. Hopefully longer than six months. Anyway we'll see how things go.

It's easy for me to be sweet and I can tell he appreciates it.

So I've since met up with the new fellow twice. He told me he can be anxious and depressive, he called off us meeting again before sending another message to say I'd been on his mind and he still wants to hang out. So we did. He cooks me food. Then we'll watch something in his room but last time we had sex like immediately. Still only mouth stuff but today I'm going to sleep over his and we plan to try something else.

He's cute and cool. I'm restraining myself from being too gross-cute with him. I'm not having sex with anyone else. I really wanna get a photo of us both for Facebook. After my last boyfriend broke up with me I never changed my status back to single so I want to see if it messes with his head, me staying "in a relationship" and then already a new picture of me with someone, as if I could have always been with someone else. My last ex hasn't come back yet, which I thought he would, but oh well. I still feel only a detached affection toward him anyway.

Wish me luck with my sleepover!