Today, i've decided to start my own " Spending addiction " journal. I think writing out my feelings and reading them from time to time really clarifies things. Plus, i'd like to keep track of my progress towards improvement. I haven't got much on today, just work. I'm determined to not let the shops nearby side track me though, or even allow myself to buy food from takeaway places.
It's just going to be out the door and straight to work without trying to ' kill time ' around the shops.
That's what shopping is to me a lot of the time, a way of trying to ' kill time ' or something to do when i have nothing else to do out and about.
It's all about time management, in order for me to stop shopping i need to manage my time better so as to not have to wander about.
Hope you guys have a positive day devoid of shopping too.

There's truly something desperate about spending addiction.
Well, for me anyway. I feel like when i go out and shop, i'm like this eager, desperate, hungry, crazed person who's basically mindless and out of control.
I hate feeling like this, i feel abnormal and weird and really un-attractive. The thing is though, although i feel like this, i know that people can't see it. On the outside, i'm perfectly calm and collected and composed. On the inside though, i'm like those cheetahs that run at some insane rate per hour. That's me, i'm so desperate for the hunt.

My spending problem is something that can't be eradicated but has to be managed. I feel like coming on here and sharing my experiences brings hope and reassurance for others as well as provides comfort for me as well.

The thing about shopping for me, is that it gives me a high. That's why it's addictive and that's why i go back time and time again. I love shopping. I love the power surge that it gives me, i love how much it makes me feel in control, awesome, full of direction and purpose.
Spending money, is an instant gratification process for me. I'm one of those people that when they want something, they want it immediately. I'm very impatient because when people demand things from me, i give it to them immediately. I expect the same in return. Life isn't like that though, so how do i get an ' instant ' fix? Shopping.

It just so happens that i'm very aesthetic and image driven. I love the visual, colors, vibrancy, contrast and anything artistic and beautiful. I love products and material that embody these things. One of my greatest joys in life is literally image making. I love to adorn myself with beautiful things and luxurious fabrics and textures. My whole life, believe it or not is to make me and my life beautiful. That's the whole and honest truth, i thrive on beauty and enjoyment. There's nothing more enjoyable and natural to me than buying great clothing and products for myself because it makes me feel good. It gives me this high that nothing else can match.

It all goes back to the instant gratification thing. Shopping is my only way that i can get what i want NOW. The feelings that i get from shopping are titanic. I not only feel happy but i also feel like i've accomplished something ( what though? basically driving myself into further debt ). The thing with shopping for me, is that i'm not a snob about it. I go into ALL stores from the expensive to the cheap. Nothing is out of limits for me, as long as i feel like it looks good and i want it, it's done. I buy it. I've tried to find other ways of gratification in life but there's nothing that is more instantly gratifying than money. I feel very weird saying that out loud because it makes me seem very shallow, demanding and materialistic which i all am. I am not proud of that, but at the same time i feel that many of us are bearing the same attitudes in clandestine.

On top of clothing, i love buying home wares. My dream is to have around $10,000 so i can deck out my to-be apartment with the best couches, art, lighting and decorative finishes. I can't even begin to tell you how much joy that gives me simply thinking about decorating my home and making it all beautiful and lived in. I have tastes of a 45 year old wealthy white woman and i'm a mere 23 year old with tastes too extravagant and out of reach. But i persist, this is just the way i am and although most girls look for sugar daddies or easy money to pay for their addiction, i'm 100% prepared to work hard for my money. I really am, it's just the world is so scarce with opportunity that i'm finding it so hard to get the work i need.

The high i get from spending money cannot be replaced by anything else. I'm what i like to say 90% asexual and literally feel that i can get all that i want from a partner - alone. My main calling in life, Writing isn't something is instantly gratifying either. You have so much waiting around to do as a writer and it's sh*t. Friends are scarce in my life, i'm picky about who i dedicate myself to and i only have a handful who are busy with their lives and their dreams too. So what do i have left? Me and my empty wallet. As soon as i get paid, i head out to the shops and search for that next coveted item. Shopping provides me with a sense of purpose and direction that can be fulfilled ON THE DAY. I have a greater dream than buying a beautiful top or shoes but that is going to take decades to fulfill. Buying something can be done today, and that high i get from it is just too addictive and too easily attained to be able to be managed alone.