I am paranoid
I am low
I am pathetic
I am lonely

I am lousy
I am miserable
I am ugly
I am a twat

I am fat
I am healthy
I am 'normal'
I am fine

To everyone else anyway
Makes out that what I say
Is just a lie

I can guarantee
You haven't met anyone else
More worthless
Than I

I can promise you
You'll meet me
Hate me
And then give up on me

If I met me
I would too
I'd claw at my brain
To get me out

You will try to help
I will rebel
I will push you
Right away

But I am needy
I am clingy
I am idiotic
I am worth $#%^

Because what you see
On the outside
Is not the torment
In my head

I will sit there
Silent and mute
As you prompt me
I withdraw

I think you hate me
I will panic
Hurt myself
To stop my head

I am a shadow
I am a limpet
I am a spot
That just won't go

I'm indecisive
I'm a pain
I'm a nuisance
I'm insane

I am bruised
I am hollow
I am broken
I am tired

I am a flashback
I am your worst fear
I am a nightmare
I am dust.

Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?
I wish I could make you finally see,
That your 'innocent' words. Your 'subtle' actions,
Do you not think they could hurt, just a fraction?

I tell you the truth, you call my bluff,
Saying how you've simply had enough,
'You change your mind all the time about everything'
That's because I never know whether to sink or swim.

Calm and understanding and act like you care,
Making me feel not so self-aware,
I say something 'wrong' and you snap and react,
You don't think of its massive impact.

I'm out of control and I'm falling apart,
I'm tumbling and falling right back to the start,
Your words and your actions they pull me back even more,
Further and further, I've been here before.

I look around and see nothing but black,
My senses and emotions are all out of whack,
The thoughts in my head just race and fly,
They won’t sing me a song, a sweet lullaby.

They stamp and stamp on the hope I have left,
With iron boots, no thought for the rest,
The words that you say just make those stamps real,
My head starts to hurt, the pain I can feel.

I’m trying my hardest and yes, I do change,
It’s like the thoughts in my head just all rearrange,
One day I’m okay, the next I’m suicidal,
I never know which ‘decision’ is to be final.

Sink or swim, fight or flight,
What do I do when nothing is right?
I go to therapy, I eat, I try against my will,
Then when you say things like that, it reinforces the ill,

Part of me, that’s getting stronger every second,
It will kill me one day I know it, what do you reckon?
The next second I panic, I starve and I retreat,
Hiding inside my own head where nothing is concrete.

The thoughts and my tolerance change more than the weather,
But I need, I need us to fight through this together,
I rely on you all too much to do it alone,
I have a massive fear to be on my own.

‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ describes how I feel,
I hate your guts one minute, then the next I just reel,
At the thought of losing you, not having you around,
But thoughts and urges fly, yet I don’t make a sound.

To tell how I feel would leave me open, all control decreased,
I feel like a bottle, exposed by the cork being released,
I can’t stop the overflow, desperately fighting off my youth,
Then imploding, exploding, the volcano erupts utter truth.

Things hidden for years, shadowed for decades,
From the core and the crater, everything cascades,
They fall on the earth like meteors from space,
Deadly, destructive, alien, wiping the smile from your face.

But heads don’t explode and the thoughts don’t erupt,
So my thoughts are safe, my head can continue to corrupt,
Thoughts rotting it from the inside out,
Emotions of fear and guilt, shame and doubt.

With a head resembling something I imagine is close to Hell,
Is it any wonder that I can’t function well?
I try to control it, I fail every time,
I wish my racing thoughts would go off on part-time.

I’d have a clear head then, I’d be able to think,
Then in this quicksand I would not sink,
Down and down into my own dark Depression,
Revealing my thoughts at my own discretion.

Give me a computer and I’ll write you a book,
Reams of honesty, you won’t know how much it took,
To take off the lid and pour out my head,
Converted to black and white, not easily read.

You’ll read things you’ll never have thought you’d read,
My thoughts and emotions had no choice but to concede,
If my emotions were real, they’d perforate and dry out a heart,
Pouring, draining, dragging out every last cell and pulling them apart.

Those toxic thoughts are reinforced by things people say,
You can’t tell me I take them the wrong way,
They turn into beliefs, as if it’s gospel and true,
You have no idea what they’re putting me through.

I tried to change my actions to be good enough for you,
But I’m finally discovering it’s not something I could do,
Nothing would ever be good enough in your eyes,
And that everything I’ve become is everything you despise.

[i]Copyright of K.M.S/Kitkat199...

[ Continued ]