So Im posting this before I become pessimistic again. Here goes...

How does one go from being super avoidant of everything, to all of a sudden feel super dependent? Damn it, I'm always trying to feel in control and invulnerable, and now I'm not. I feel like I've been able to cope with my emotions, I turned that part of myself off, I have been asexual for years, and it made me sad, but it allowed me to remain in control. Now I feel so out of control, so distant from myself, yet simultaneously when I'm not dissociating, I actually feel like I'm actually being me, like maybe I'm actually coming back to the person that I am, and although the AvPD will always be there, and I will always be paranoid about what other people think, and will always be insecure, but maybe its about me ignoring that voice saying I'm not good enough, about reminding myself that this is not based on reality, that is the AvPD part of me, the one that wants to keep me locked away until I kill myself from total self-imposed isolation.

Well I say, screw you AvPD, you have taken away too much of my life. I have spent far too long being your slave, being everyone's slave. Being so scared to breathe because I think I'm taking up too much space. What a load of crap, as a human being I deserve to live my life, not just merely exist waiting for the moment I finally get the courage to kill myself. I've been there, sure I could have killed myself successfully, and I often wish I had, but once I'm dead, that's it, there's nothing else, there's no better place, its just black emptiness. I can either choose to go into that abyss, or I can choose to follow what my authentic self wants, which is to actually live, to breathe, and one day, breathe without fear, to one day accept who I am, my personality, my looks, everything, it wont happen overnight, and its ridiculously hard and terrifying, but honestly, that little kid who spent her whole life scared of everything around her deserves to feel safe, she deserves to experience even one moment of true happiness in her life, to no longer be punished for crap she never did, and hell, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to give that to her, because she deserves it.

Waw, you're really good with words.. I'm new on this forum.. And for some reason it's very comforting to know that there are people who have to deal with the same problems as me every day, that i'm not the only one. And it's really inspiring to see that you have learned to overcome your natural urge to think less of yourself and have realized you deserve to be happy like any other person would! : ) good blog! x

I wish you everything good.

Thanks, sometimes the words make sense, other days not so much... But Im glad that it was of some interest.

Best wishes.

That was so inspiring! and so relevant to how ive been feeling lately! Thank you very much.

You can do it!