Respond ability
Response ability
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Ive earned the right through my higher power; On my knees through; meditation prayer, new stories... sharing with others what THe universe GOd Jesus has done for me that day and the day before and before; and I am rewarded... I am rewarded with a new system responsibility; The ability to respond to my own life... That is the system Im interested in learning.
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The only way forward when the gaps began to fill in and the universe fills in the gaps; suddenly I need some kind of system to make things work for me as I get better; and that system that Ive earned curiosity to look into is; Respond ability.. To respond; to response to something. When presented with something; I respond to it. I response to it. Its kind of like standing up for myself and fighting back or fighting for what I want... responding for what I want; for my life... its a learned earned thing. Impossible when I first started recovery process; all I could do in the recovery process; show up.
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Im working with the universe on new stories for my life... and because Ive worked on resentments in my 12 step groups. I am left with no are area to focus on as the problem as; myself and my own dysfunction. However; to get to this place; one simply prays and starts and asks the universe for help... ( The Universe being; Higher-power-God- source-energy-Jesus-Amonachrista-sparticus-latiano-mopheioso-Godmose I-like-it-that-way-ess-Holy spiritus-Jesus Christ Christmas Tree; Give me more present-ess-God; box full a goodies!). ITs a long long journey for me... thats OKe...
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Im now feeling a little safer to experiment by applying my own respond ability to
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1. Music creation
2. Art Creation
NOTE: Still working on relationship PTSD problems; The universe has a hold; slowly bringing me through to the other side of the PTSD wall.
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First love; Attracting a sociopath;
As I continue to do more work on my First Love; in order to get through her wall. Lets say the truth wall; and the PTSD wall... So; working on getting through my First loves Wall; As I continue; Im finding several new facts; And its all good; all work. Its like blindly trekking through a desert with no idea where the end is; but my spirit hooked up to GOd does.. and at some point Ill get closer to the other side of the dessert if I Just keep going.
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More facts appearing about my First Love.
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1. It seems she was a 100% sociopath who was 100% Playing me...( Its not personal). This means what it says. This was a game created by a sociopath. This was a stranger who saw me show up at her door step and decided to play me 100%. This sociopath had no soul or values or conscious or remorse; nothing! Its not personal at this point; Im just stating facts... Its more important to look at why and how I show'd up at this persons house..
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2. Why was I hunting down a sociopath to have a relationship? And that is truly the scary part of this; and the part where Ill get allot of healing if I answer this. It seems to me I was running from my prior life; or dealing with it. I had lost everything and was in constant survival mode. And a giant force to run forward; run away into another land or environment to escape was upon me in a huge massive way.
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Looking back; This behavior of running into the arms of some other family so I could survive; this had been going on from my birth... Why I was picking sociopaths for this assignment? I assume I was attracting families similar to what I had come from; but didnt know it!
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I'm wondering why I didnt walk away from this person... Why I ever tried to add emotion to my encounter with this person. Why did I try to start a family with this person or jump into their family; This is completely insane.
Im wondering if I was not acting out PTSD at the time... I think that may have been a better understanding of it...
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As I relive and rework what happened;...
[ Continued ]