My support system has officially left my life. I know it's my mistake to lean on one person so strongly because they can simply walk out of my life whenever, but I just didn't think it would happen. I have shallow support in my friends and family, but there's so many things about my past and present that I can't discuss with them. I miss having someone there to hug me and just listen while I vent about anything. I know I can go to a professional, but it's just not the same as having someone there who I have a personal connection with. I miss it so much. I'm tired of crying to myself. I know I have so many people around me that love and care about me and I'm so thankful for that. But I just feel so alone. No matter how many people tell me that they understand my struggles and can relate to them, I feel like I'm fighting a battle against the world and I'm doing it alone. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't even want to hurt myself. I just want to be free from this pain. I just want to be released. Just let me go.

I can really feel my body and mind deteriorating away. I've been starving myself on and off for 7-8 years now, but now with the addition of my mental disorders I feel like it has really been taking a toll on me. It started with an extremely sensitive digestive system (everything I ate upset my stomach and caused me extreme pain), then morphed into body image issues. I'm experiencing a lot of physical symptoms including migraines, nausea, dizziness, fainting, and major irregularities with my menstrual cycle. I've always been anemic, which has caused chronic fainting and drowsiness, but I just feel like a zombie. I've tried so many painkillers for the migraines, but nothing works.

All of these physical symptoms, in conjunction with BPD and self harming, have just made me not want to wake up in the morning. It's a struggle every night to fall asleep and an even bigger struggle to wake up and get out of bed. I'm not suicidal, but I can't help but think of how much of a release it would be to finally not be in pain anymore. I hate that I feel everything so deeply, I wish I was numb to all emotions. I feel like I'm being punished for loving and caring too much. No one understands my point of view, so I just get yelled at and rejected. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of pain and mental torture. Why can't anyone in my life just accept me and support recovery, instead of make me feel like less of a person. I'm not crazy, I'm just sick.

The cravings for my self harm are back. Its been two weeks since I promised my family I wouldn't do it again. I made that promise with a mild intention of keeping it, but I knew I could always hide it from them if I wanted to. Now I'm going through a hard breakup and I've never felt more alone. I'm craving his hugs, his touch, his voice. My support system is gone, and now no one in my life understands my mental turmoil. I want to be strong and show everyone that I'm confident that I can overcome this, but I'm not sure if I can with all of this heartache.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off alone. Alone so I can't hurt people's feelings, so I can't destroy any more relationships. I'm convinced that my (ex)boyfriend and I can no longer be together due to this constant paranoid feeling I have. I'm paranoid that he's cheating on me, that he wants to be with another female. I'm paranoid that he fantasizes about other females. He once betrayed my trust, and it wasn't even that severe, but now I can't think about anything other than him leaving me for someone else. I want nothing more than to be happy with him, and I know how much stress I'm putting on him and our relationship. I just can't stop thinking about it, I can't get this feeling to go away. I know I'm pushing him away, but I don't want to. I just can't help it. I know I'd regret telling him to leave me for good, but I just can't see any other way to end this mental torture. Not to mention its not fair to him. I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up, I'll never have to think about this again. Ugh.