If you asked me when I was a young woman if I could ever live with a secret, I would have said "no way." I know myself well, always have, and keeping secrets about who I am is like daily ingesting poison for the soul. But I keep my mental illness a secret anyway. Why? Well, people convinced me that I benefit from keeping it on the quiet side where only people close to me know. But part of me wants to come out. To be one with my "secret", to just be me. I mean, I do good work, I would stand up to scrutiny. I want to live like a whole person. I don't like working with a secret.

So, anyone who is close to me knows, I have been diagnosed with a mental illness called delusional disorder, but it may also be a form of depression or an intermittent psychosis. Until there is a better understanding of mental health with personalized medicine, I'm stuck with a vague diagnosis tied to symptoms, rather than a condition defined by genetics or biology.

My friends and family who have been around me long enough know the routine. A series of triggers set me off and I become paranoid, and erotomanic. In today's digital world, there are lots of triggers that may not actually mean I'm just ill. But my friends and family feel safer living in denial about that potential scenario, where I'm not genetically or biologically sick. The idea that I'm "set off" by real events in my environment makes everyone uncomfortable.

The secret I wish I could tell people is that I'm in recovery from Mental Illness. I wish it wasn't such a big secret. I want so badly to share. I want to be able to integrate my recovered self into my identity. I hate pretending that I don't cringe when people say things like "isn't that is so crazy" exposing their inarticulate thoughtlessness. Their assumptions that we share a thing called "normalcy" bothers me. Over time the constant reminder by society that "insanity" is different, and undesirable takes it's toll on me, and has postponed my decision to integrate my recovery with my public persona.

But, I really just want to be me. A woman who lives, works, and mothers in recovery from mental illness.

Dear Police Training for Mental Health Crisis Programs,

Today on the delusional disorder forum, there was a post that deeply concerned me. Police Forces were video taping a woman in a psychiatric crisis for training purposes. This fed the woman's delusional condition and was inhumane.

As a woman, I am living in recovery from mental illness, and I feel strongly about this issue. I know the perversion of thought in psychosis. Police hold significant power in any situation, and adding to that a training video is like conducting research. It is an abuse of power to use individuals in crisis for training videos. Seriously, hire an actor, get someone in recovery to tell you their stories. I mean, really. There are people in recovery looking for consulting work. Video tape people who are NOT in crisis.

Taking live humans and subjecting them to novel interventions inhumane, unethical, and totally unacceptable.

Police need to use resources in the community. Find and work with individuals known as "Peer Support Specialists" to develop training education videos. Partner with NAMI and other Mental Health advocacy organizations. Consult with people like me to tell you our stories and how things can go wrong, ask people who've been mishandled how you could improve the situation for the future. It is common sense.

Do not use someone in a mental health crisis for a training video. It is unethical. It is a breach of trust, and an abuse of power. Your job is to protect these vulnerable citizens from abuse, not inflict it. I don't care who consents, it just isn't right. This is a vulnerable population. You need to use guided reflection on critical incidents, case studies, and training involving people who can tell you what psychosis is like. I should write the police academy or something. Don't they teach ethics in training? From hearing the way people are being treated by the police, I'd say the lack of sensitivity to the issue runs all the way up the chain from city, county, to state and national leadership. I still cringe remembering congress give a standing ovation for the police shooting that poor depressed mother who ran into the polls at the front gates of the white house in the fall. She was shot dead, her baby was in the back seat. The public deserves better treatment when people are in a mental health crisis. This is a national issue.

Sincerely,

Sunny

Excerpt from a novel by sunnyg

Chapter 5: Single black glove

The next day, I was walking laps with my baby around the house when I saw a single, black fleece glove placed on the arm of the sofa. I was home alone. How had it gotten there? It had appeared between one of the laps. I quickened my pace past the sofa, through the dining room, holding Jamie tight.

Was someone there?

My mind was ablaze with thoughts. In the O. J. Simpson trial, the key piece of evidence for the defense was the black glove found at the scene. I’d read the theory that one of the jury members believed in God and had heard a sermon about missing socks being evidence of a God. The idea was that God had interfered in the O.J. case; according to the article, the single black leather glove was God’s mark.

Is somebody gonna come and kill me?

Why the hell is there a black glove on the sofa?

How did it get there?

I looked at the sofa, then turned back and walked through the kitchen. The lap took less than five seconds. A brief moment in time. The cats were nowhere to be seen.

How did the glove land on the armrest of the sofa?

Considering the options terrified me.

Who could have snuck in so fast? Is there a stalker in the house? Maybe this is an act of God. Or is it time travelers? I hoped it was the cats, but how could they have done it without my seeing them? Did I have selective vision?

I raced to the stairs. I held Jamie tight and rushed to lock myself and my baby in the nursery. I rocked her in my arms and cried. In my darkest moments of terror, locked in the nursery, holding Jamie in my arms, I prayed to God for protection from the terror of isolation in my country house and the thought of the single black glove.

Tears stained my face as I recited Psalm 23, a prayer I’d learned as a young child to deal with darkness when my parents turned off the lights. I relied on the teachings of my childhood that God is good. I didn’t know how else to deal with the fear and terror of my experience. When things started happening that I couldn’t explain, my basic instincts led me to trust in God.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

When Jack got home, he found me locked in the nursery, still holding Jamie in my arms, distraught.

“What is wrong?” he asked.

“Jack, I’m so afraid. Please stay with me,” I said.

“What happened?” he asked.

“I was home alone; then a single black glove appeared on the sofa, and I don’t know how it got there,” I said.

“I’m sure it was the cats,” he said, unable to connect beyond conversation as I rocked Jamie gently.

I never knew fear like I did that summer I first lost my mind. Jack didn’t understand but realized by then that something was seriously wrong.

The benefit of this illness is that it forces us to Fact Check everything. Makes us natural researchers out of the risk of making asses of ourselves. Other researchers don't have that advantage, they aren't aware of how much they rely on their core knowledge. Core knowledge are the things you believe that you assume to be true.

Once your memory bank has been corrupted by delusions, you know you can no longer trust the "core knowledge" and things you thought you knew.

To succeed, it requires a different skill set. An open mind, and Process Knowledge. Knowing how to do things not knowing what has been done. This process knowledge allows you to get right answers most of the time, and it fits in well with today's ever changing knowledge base and information.

For instance someone asks you a question at work via email. Do your homework, fact check, and make sure you know your sources and document them when you refer to facts.

If you focus on your strengths, and how to do things, you'll be better. If you resist the urge to link new knowledge to prior corrupted memories, you will in time get better. Recovery is not a destination, it is a way of life.

I have had delusions of a personal nature, that thankfully the medication helps me not obsess about, and with time the memory heals and I've let go of some of these strands of thinking.

I have trusted people in my life that know me, who I can ask to help me figure out if something happened and if it did, how to handle the situation. Included in that group are my parents, sister and brother, and friends and colleagues. I bounce anything that I am not sure of off them. They help me decide how to handle things.

When things seem unreal I ask the person next to me, "Did they just say ______?"
If they say no, then I go, "I must have misunderstood." Most of the time I take my medication, and clear communication and asking people questions clears up much potential fodder for delusions to grow from.

When thing seem unreal, like I see smoke coming out of a building, I stop and ask the person standing nearby, "Excuse me, but is that smoke coming out of the buiding over there?"
"Yes, I think it is," the woman said.
"Do you think we should call the police?" I asked.
"Um, probably," she said.
I pulled out my phone and called 911....
True story. The fire department came and put out the fire. (I'm not always delusional it turns out) even when I'm delusional, I am more sensitive to my environment than most... But fact checking, by talking to the people around me helps. I ask questions of the people around me. Unlike being disabled, I check my abilities and perceptions with the people about me.

When things seem unreal, like things are moved or taken from my work desk, I ask the person in the position to know the most, my supervisor, (it was after the fire and I was paranoid...) It was a stressful time at work, I disclosed my condition and I asked for advice on how to best handle the missing documents. The supervisor recommended I check in with my psychiatrist to be safe, and that I should report the theft issue to the Human Resources department.

When I am in relationships I am open in my communication, and I find that I have to trust the person I am connecting with to be honest with me. When someone pulls back during a conversation, or looks uncomfortable, it gives me insight that maybe I need to re-evaluate what I'm saying. I have excellent library and research skills, so in that instance I discontinue the conversation and move on. I try not to keep superficial relationships with people I don't trust. That would be bad for me.
Sunny

Mental illness is stigmatized because of the shootings caused by semi-automatic firearms in the wrong hands. It has caused everyone in america to say "Keep the guns away from the CRAZIES". Couldn't they at least say "Psychotic" or use the term "Brain Disease" if they in fact are referring to me?

Honestly, weapons stink, are messy, loud, recoil is unpleasant, and I've read the lead bullets and dust may have harmful health effects...

The problem is confounded because it is not accepted in most circles to seek treatment early for signs of mental illness. In fact, many people haven't considered mental illness a biological disorder. Because it is behavioral health, people think it is a choice how we behave (probably because for most people there is choice involved, even if you are in a psychotic episode, you are making choices. The difference is that most people aren't choosing between the acting in reality or the psychotic delusion that is perverting reality within your thoughts). I remember the first time I was hospitalized...

I thought God was speaking to me from my spam email... (I know, I was sick). But, when I was getting these messages, I didn't understand what they were saying, they were like garbled messages. But when I figured out they wanted me to actually do something, it freaked me out. I was keeping a journal, and I remember writing:

"Angels will have to come and take me away, because I couldn't live with myself doing the things they are asking me to do."

Ok, yes, it was a religious delusion, and I was fighting. It was good vs. evil. Thought my ex husband might have had magical powers in my psychotic state, it seemed logical... I didn't record what God, or whoever I thought was controlling my computer, wanted me to do, but it was serious. I was so sick, and I hadn't learned how to cope.

Living with delusions is like trying to walk in a dream. You get better at it the more you do it. But if it happens, be careful, and go to the Emergency Department at your hospital immediately. Do not wait on this condition to get worse.

Thankfully, I was getting treatment at this point, and held tight until I cleared the majority of the delusional thinking.

The problem is that we need to accept people with mental illness and have a few good role models come out of the "Closet" because right now, there is not enough! Brook Shields is the only public figure I can think of who has published about her mental health. We need at least 10-20 more before this thing is going to be accepted. And until you make getting treatment OK, you are stuck with the stigma of mental illness. And you create an environment of distrust of getting the help that is needed. Plus, we need to support research for mental illness. Look at how they were able to cure that girl in Brain on Fire! So cool. I just wish she would accept the behavior as her responding to the delusions, and be ok with the psychosis part, but maybe that is because I'm about 5 years her senior in recovery.

So to sum it up, we need early intervention and treatment, and we probably shouldn't mix guns, and people with a criminal record, and we should encourage a mental health screening upon purchasing a firearm. Ask the person if they plan to cause anyone harm, or some other screening question. If they answer yes to those questions, I'd recommend medical intervention, and don't give them a gun!
Sunny