Being a little bit of a psychology buff, over the years I've read a lot and compiled a list of disorders which seem to fit me.

I have had Social Anxiety for many years, and because of my choices several years ago it has developed into Avoidant Personality Disorder. For years, I have felt like I am collapsing in on myself, shutting out the world, because I felt like the world was trying to hijack my mind, forcing me to conform to it. I hate being ridiculed for living a lifestyle outside of the norm. I hate being silently and overtly judged for the way I think and feel. I don't like to censor myself, and in my mind no idea or theoretical is off-limits so long as it remains an idea. But people have been hostile to me on, say, Facebook and social media sites like that one. I guess what it comes down to is that most people are not independent thinkers, but rather mindless pack animals.

Because of my Avoidant tendencies, I have also developed Peter Pan Syndrome to a degree. I am in my mid-20s but I'm not yet self-sufficient, and I live pretty much as I did when I was a teenager. I don't necessarily like being this way, but it is very hard for me to change. Again, I don't like being ridiculed or criticized for these flaws of mine, so I avoid spending time with the friends I used to hang with when I was younger. It has also kept me from making new friends in the last several years, although sometimes I have still done this without revealing to them the truth about myself and my life. But because I can't be honest and have to remain hidden, the friendships can only be superficial.

I'm sure it's partly because I'm struggling to grow up that I have felt attracted to underage girls in the last few years. I think I'm just filling the void that's there because I haven't been able to find anyone my own age. I don't believe I'm primarily attracted to underage girls.

I am tired of being this way. I feel guilty all the time about not being able to help my family, and about being a social parasite because I've been on unemployment and things like that, but I don't know how to change. Now that I have a bachelor's degree, I've been taking small steps to change my life, but I did have a sort of crisis in the months after graduation, I guess because it was the end of a whole era in my life in which I was putting off growing up and entering the real world as long as possible. I also struggled with drug, sex, and porn addictions in college, and I haven't done hard drugs since I graduated. I have only smoked weed and drunk a few times. I am relieved I am outgrowing all that, because I knew it wouldn't lead to anything good, even though I had some great times.

I would prefer to work from home, but sometimes we choose the things that are worst for us. I know I was getting to be in a bad place from my extreme isolation this summer, which is why I signed up and started posting here. I hate society but at the same time I think I need it, unfortunately. I don't know how to strike a balance between this desire and this need of mine, because I haven't been completely happy and healthy either way.

I used to experience suicidal ideation a lot, but I've decided that life is worth living. I just don't know exactly how I'm going to survive and I'm tired of being a social outcast, living off my parents and such. I guess I will keep taking baby steps and see if I can work it out that way.