Hello everyone! Here is another post that I wonder if anyone can relate to?

Now I have recognized that I do have some good qualities as I began to understand and rebuild myself but I find that I have also exploited these qualities in the past, distant and and not so distant. At I times I have even justified my actions with these qualities for example talking myself out of returning a phone call from my mother, I'll tell myself that attending to my life changes are more important, I can't disrupt this noble and righteous work, then anger will justify the frustration of having to make these life changes then ill hold her responsible for my current emotional and mental struggles. Ill think she doesn't deserve to speak with me, she deserves to suffer like me, she should be punished. (I know very immature, Its as if bpd is one the more extreme symptoms of immaturity)

Or my sadness will justify my depression after acknowledging how sensitive I am. For an example I'll use avoiding my mothers call again, I'll think to myself that I deserve to be alone for all the stress and pain I have caused others, that there is so much growth that needs to transpire before I can effectively communicate with anyone. That I don't have anything worth saying, that I don't want to worry anyone with my issues and ineptitude. (Really I'm just removing a level of responsibility and accountability over my own actions that I believe I'm too exhausted for, too depressed to invest my energy in to)
This is where My Fear interjects sometimes, creating thoughts like I would just embarrass myself if I try to educate or inform my mother on my current condition because I don't really know myself like i once believed I did, I'll sound uninformed to her, like I'm not trying to change, or I'm not taking the growth that needs to transpire seriously enough. (The shame would be too much to bear apparently is what Im thinking here, once again I see myself hiding from a level of responsibility because of the fear of emotional shame, which is related to heightened level of emotional sensitivity leaving me fearful of many personal and social situations/confrontations)

Another thing I have become recently hip to is the projection of these insecurities on he world. What I believe people are thinking about me or fear that they may be thinking, really are just what i deep down think about myself. And it does not stop at people i project my demeanor on to all things, in my eyes the world has become as tumultuous as my soul, A place where joy does not exist only struggle and heartache. I believe by improving my perception of self my projection on to the world will also improve, my perception of the world will improve and i will see the beauty of life again.

Hello everyone! I am excited to be able to speak to you all, I have seen some great conversations and think that this is a great way to learn and grow while treating bpd.

I would like to blog some of my thoughts today in hopes that this can spark a conversation that can lead to more insight and understanding for me and anyone else who engages in the discussion.

Can anyone relate to this? I find it impossible to stay committed to a goal when my emotions fluctuate so dramatically and abruptly. So dramatic and abrupt that the perspective of my internal and external world actually changes. I feel as if I am an entirely different person once the emotional shift is complete with a new set of less realistic goals and less beneficial priorities that pertain to that emotion. Also at times I feel lost or in limbo in between these emotional transitions, I have a mental fog and a fluster of unrecognizable emotions and feelings.
Another way I could put it is that these emotions have become so powerful over the years that they now have their own personalities with their own set of characteristics and tendencies(i feel like this gives me some insight in to how multiple personalities are constructed).

*I believe the term used to describe this is emotional hijacking.*

Throughout the course of a day i can have numerous shifts emotional shifts, adopting their corresponding personalities/characteristics and tendencies. I find myself making decisions from each one that counteract with decisions from the other. By the end of the day so much has gone on internally that nothing has been done externally. So many directional changes that I have virtually traveled no where. Its exhausting and demoralizing. This unstable Impulsive behavior pattern has resulted in many let downs both personal and interpersonal and setbacks both personal and professional.

An examples of this would be through out the day I may have goals set for myself Studying, going to the gym, eating 4 to 5 meals a day, writing and organizing some things. Lets say I try to start off with studying but thoughts are racing through my mind, My body feels uncomfortable, My breathing is not relaxed and steady and all of this is making it impossible to study, I then become discouraged and thoughts of how incompetent i am come flooding in my mind. Now im stressed, feeling depressed my stomach is in knots and i cant eat breakfast so I then decide to hit the gym to relax. Sometimes i have good workouts and sometimes i dont, lets say this day i do and i come home feeling good with a healthy appetite, ill eat and then go to the next thing on my list but now im upset because Im not addressing my list in its original order and i dont feel ill have time in the day for everything on my list. Once again stress and depression come rushing back hitting my twice as hard as it did earlier, now I feel to exhausted to do anything so I nap or stretch or try to do something to lift my spirits sometimes i just lay around. Hunger will get me up before the day is over and while im cooking all of the sudden I a flood of positive energy and i believe i can knock out everything on my list, so i sit down to eat my emotions change and i think who am i kidding im just a loser and always will be. after my meal ill then lay day for the rest of the day.

Its torture.