So much for trying to tame my sexuality. I've been skitzing out because I'm trying to quit all smoking and masturbation. Ended up in the gym for three hours just to burn energy. If I wasn't so chum with the guys at the gym, I would have been banned long ago. Then at KFC I was so amped up the drive through I was screaming and banging my head against the steering wheel "GIVEEEE MEEE CHICKKEN TENNNDIEEES MY SWEET SOFT SUCCULENT CHICKEN TENNDIES GIVVEE THEM TOO ME NNNAAOOOWWW!!!" BANG BANG BANG

The counter person couldn't stop laughing and gave me all this extra food. Even threw in a free drink. But I don't drink pepsi. The caffeine makes me too sexually promiscuous. WHAT IS THIS TEMPTATION! I opened it and threw it out the window as hard as I could. I was stuffing my greedy mouth with chicken as I was driving back, my greasy fingers slipping on the gear stick, and because I havn't rub one out ALL day I got a boner while eating chicken. WHAT. THE. ###$.. A boner while driving, chicken bones falling all over my lap, grease everywhere

In the most unlikely worst timing possible; one of my exes emailed me her number asking me to call her tonight. I havn't meet this bish in TWO YEARS. what are the freaking chances of today at my weakest point all year. It's such a sstupid stupid idea but I want *mod edit* sssooo bad. To distract myself I stuffed my face full of chicken, SO MUCH CHICKEN SOO MUCHH CHICKKEN and now I feel so full I can hardly breathe. BUT I'm still horny as hell. HOW STUPID IS THAT. HORNY AND BLOATED ALL AT ONCE. I can hardly freaking breathe and I still want to *mod edit*. WHY DID THE CREATOR MAKE WOMENS BODIES SMELL SO GOOD and make me incapable of feeling disgust!!! no amount of working out or food can fix meeee. Feeeed meeee lovvveee meee

I sometimes wish I could turn myself off especially my sexuality. I wish I could just turn it off because it goes against everything I value in my intelligence and turns me into a brainless ravaging canine. I can see why I confuse my partners. I'm stoic and pretty, like a little gold lamp. Rub it a little and a naked pervert genie pops out like a boner DEMANDING three wishes. It is what it is, if you want the gold lamp, you got to take the genie with it.

how can i pretend to become free when I fail to tame myself

becoming free without taming myself is secretly desiring to be domesticated by the outside

that is no better than presenting my loins for castration; a deluded lofty fantasy, an impotent weakness dressed up as a false star

to tame myself with a concentrated poison, to drink this foolish storm, to throw myself head first into the unknown

may i enchant myself; my lover, with these words and stir up a potency that currently sleeps flaccid and loose

Most of the time I don't interact with people. When I do though, sometimes I come across at a know it all.

It's like when I come across someone who is clever and fierce I want to present them with and idea that I assume to be solid and watch them destroy it. Or when they present something solid, and I get an itch to tear it down.

Most of the time, they just get annoyed or afraid at my know it all smuggness and misunderstand my true intentions.

It get's boring dismantling and building all by oneself.
I'm just looking for someone to play lego with me.

Play with me.

Yes I am a little too familiar with chasing the first high. A romantic/addict squats in my temple as well. I have a love hate relationship with her looking for the high that lasts.

I suspect that I have an unconscious memory, a forgotten high that I chase more than anything else. It's the bliss of the womb, or even before that, the bliss of preexistence or something. The residue of that unbeatable high lingers around in my hollow tube and drives me to something bordering on bliss and insanity. Raw authenticity, I suspect, smells like death and birth all at once.

I don't know what is more interesting in the face of annihilation. Drugged on the delusions of utopia/dystopia, wrapped in a padded bubble of narcissistic empathy, or crucifying oneself to reach that prebirth state with a polar opposite who destroys me and frees me.

Strange how others dreams speak messages to me. Fascinating indeed.

After all, we follow the chord, and meet the lover by the shore, we give them all that we are, they might hunger for more, then the waves of change sweep whatever is left of the both of us back into the ocean to be no more.

At the end of the day, I could use someone to sit on the couch with while they paint their nails and I eat another apple, and as we die, become ourselves.

my buddy came over and we were just bumming
got the munchies and there was nothing to eat but for some apples
he started to laugh and couldnt stop
i couldn't understand and he had to explain it to me
he though i ate an apple "wrong" he said the way I ate an apple made im laugh and he wouldnt stop

he said that I was suppose to eat the apple around the core and then toss it
I eat apples from the top down and don't leave out the core
i just kind of munch away from the top until there is nothing left
he thought that was funny
he's either a retard for believing there is a correct way of eating fruit
or Im accidentally funny but don't know it
if he saw how i eat oranges and kiwi fruit he'd probably laugh then as well
i dont bother peeling them. just munch away top down like the apple