I always thought of myself as a bit of a tough guy. I don't back down from a fight. I don't care if they come at me with sharped bits of steel, I stand my ground. I take what I want. I am not afraid of pain or suffering, I go out into the wild to get whatever. I thought myself strong.

How wrong could I be. I am the slave. I am weak. Lethargic, a hollow corpse. I lay at her feet and do as she commands. I don't question her. I give her what she wants and don't stand up for my own values if I even have any. Her desires are my values. She animates my corpse into action. Her hedonism my crown. Her bloodlust my purpose for being.

She wants experiences. I give them to her. New novel experiences I provide with my sweat and work. She wants drugs. The best. I go out and get the best. I get attacked, I fight, I crush my opposition. I do what I have to do to get her what she desires. I wear my scars with pride as trophies for the suffering I have demonstrated for her. She wants blood. Someone has wronged her, a simple slight and I taste blood for her. I present to her and she looks at my hands covered in blood and $#%^. It's not enough. She wants more. She wants sex. The most depraved, insatiable I comply. I give her harder and harder, screams mixed with orgasms, pain and pleasure mixed in a cocktail so she can inject them and away she goes. There seem to be no bounds to what she demands from me. I am a push over. Weak. Subservient a slave to her. I lay at her feet while she rampages and tears across the landscape collecting her severed heads.

She is in me, she is my basest urges and she shows me no mercy. She collects my ego, my head and sense of who I think I am and tramples over my body like a dead doormat.

I've noticed yet another pattern. Not just a pattern in who I seek out for partners but what kind of environment I seek out. In me is a void. A chaos so thick that it is nothing at all. Hollow. Pure chaos. I seek order. Structure. Some enslavement so tyrannical I am unable to fly free across the universe as I am too free. I am nothing at all. I seek to be seduced down into a box like a genie in a bottle and she rubs me when she wants something.

I've noticed I thrive in violent environments. Environments where dog eats dog. Where I am forced to wake up to an electric buzz. Where men are forced to draw blood from each other and compete for the most megre and insignificant. Were sweat and blood is respect, order. I've noticed that when I don't have a tyrannically seductive woman, I seek out an environment which is like that. When I can't find a prison in the form of a beautiful woman, I unconsciously seek out forms of imprisonment elsewhere. She is a ruthless mistress. I seek out the most demanding and the more demanding the woman, the more I am attracted to her. The more demanding and brutally controlling the environment, the more I am attracted to it.

How to I change. I am swept away by this. I can see it now, it screams out to me in my dreams and yet I seem to be so weak, so hollow that I comply. I want to be whole. I want her to be whole. Not a single dark side. I want to be both light and dark. I want to witness it complete. Perhaps the sun is about to rise any moment. I just have to be patient.

I'll let go of the years wasted chasing thrill after thrill. The journey begins now. The past is no more. I am new when I choose. I am new the moment I can see and can choose.

I started small today. I went outside and I saw a bird with a snake in its beak today. I was compelled to stalk it and chase it down. I stopped and watched it fly away instead.