I was reading "Fractured mind". The author was (or one of his alters) was telling his T about the "castle" they live in. My mind suddenly flashed on my dreams. I felt it in the pit of my stomach too! I often dream of a house (only twice I can remember the house being the same one). These houses are large with lots and lots of rooms. I suddenly KNEW without a doubt that this is my inner world! I never understood until just this very moment how all the people on this forum could see rooms and their alters live there. It seemed like a foreign idea. It makes total, 100% sense to me right this very moment. I am not even sure if the picture was mine or someone elses, but it is there!

I thought I would write about me a little. I don't know if anyone will ever read it or respond, but I guess it is theraputic.

Where do I begin?

Childhood and family(TRIGGERS!)

I am the youngest of 5 children. No, I was not spoiled. I do not remember most of being a kid. I get snapshots of memory where most people can watch the movie of their life. All four of my brothers and sisters have attempted suicide at one time or another in their life. They have all been locked up for 24 hour observation. I haven't, but probably should be. Every one of us has experimented with drugs and alcohol, some more than others. My brothers have been abusers in relationships and my sisters have been abused in relationships. Most of them have little memory of childhood, like me. My sister who is 2 years older than me seems to remember most. She has told me stories about laying in bed at night hearing my parents beat one of the other kids and hearing them beg "please stop". She also told me that once 4 of us had to hold our oldest sister down while our mother beat her. I always knew my father drank a lot, but never realized until adulthood that he was an alcoholic. My mother hid her bottles, so we didn't really think about it with her either. I thought I grew up in a house like everyone else and never knew that I didn't remember as much as most people. I do remember that I knew at a very young age (maybe 5-7) what a penis was and that it went between a womans legs, I just didn't know about insertion. I have a memory, which I hope is really a dream. I am not sure how old I was or how old my oldest brother was, but I found a "doll" in his closet that was lifesize and lifelike. I do not know if it was really a doll or a little girl. Like I said, it could be a dream.

My parents think I was haunted. I had an "invisible friend" that they would hear talking to me when I was in a room alone. My uncle (the now deceased pedophile of boys) told a story of me "visiting" him in his home one night with 3 of my friends. I supposedly came into the room a few minutes later and told my parents that my friends and I had visited him the night before. Funny thing is, I can remember my face and two others being there.

When we would visit my mothers parents, we had to pass by a paint store sign that was pink. It was a certain shade of pink and I got sick to my stomach evey time we passed by it, but I could never figure out why. After growing up, I noticed the paint chipping in my room and the bottom layer was the same shade of pink.

I have had two flashbacks. One was of my brother and I spending the night with our uncle. Something had woken me up and I went to his bedroom and opened the door. The sheet was humped on the bed. He yelled at me me to "get the hell out". I realized a few years ago that he was raping my brother. The other flashback happened when I fell and bruised my back. I was looking in the mirror at it and suddenly flashed to a scene where my oldest sister had been hit. I always remembered it, but this time instead of a red handprint, there was a giant bruise.

My oldest brother has always creeped me out. He told me about the "special" uses for bananas when I was maybe 12 and he was about 20. He use to call me on the phone and say "hey baby, are you still as pretty as you use to be" in a creepy voice. I avoided his phone calls and seeing him for years. He died almost two years ago. We went to his funeral and I started a new job the next day without giving it another thought. I never shed one tear.

My brothers and sisters and I have never been close. One sister has close friends who thinks she is an only child.

My memories start getting more plentiful during my teenage years, however there are still major gaps.

In my adult life I have the worst memory of anyone I know. I will insist I have never seen a movie, my son will insist I have. As...

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