I made a decision to quit my medication today because I don't like it. I have talked to my doctors before about it but they are scared of what will happen if I quit taking it, so they tell me it can't be done. I think like this - It's my head, my life and my concequences.

They don't know what it does to the head taking these drugs and they can't be inside my head. All the "medicine" I have taken has made me feel like $#%^ - twitching, can't stand sunlight, no orgasm, no happiness, no sadness, anxiety, no creativity....

Creativity brings me to the point. I play guitar and sing, I also make my own songs. On this medicine I can't write anything because I don't feel anything. It's important to me to do my music. I don't think I am going to be a star or anything, but the music is my biggest therapy. Much bigger than these $#%^ pills they are pushing to me.

I am currently on 10 mg of abilify, last night I cut it down to 7.5 mg. I will do 7.5 mg for one week, then 5 mg for two weeks, 2.5 mg for one week and then I'm off.
I will update this blog and write down how it's going.

This entry is about the dangers of using drugs as self medication.

I never realized how bad I felt inside until I tried hashish the first time. It was like suddently I had found my reason to live - I fell in love. I could relax, laugh and feel "real" joy. It did not take long before I was smoking every day.

After a while it was not about happiness and joy. It was about not feeling "normal" when not intoxicated. The drug had becomed my identity and I did not realize it. I lost my friends who didn't use drugs. And I allways stood up for the drug and defended my use aswell as the drug itself, like it was my best friend.

When I was eighteen, I got a chronic, painful disease that's called Crohn's Disease. To ease the pain, I smoked even more hash. After a couple of years I got diagnosed with Crohn's, and got medicine that took the pain away. I was glad I could go on with my life, but I was still depressed and I still had a drug-problem. I started experimenting more with different drugs and got more and more socialy dysfunctional.

I went away to school and got top grades when the year was over. That year I hardly did drugs and focused on getting good grades. But when the year was over I got psychotic. I think it was because of stress and being depressed for so long. My diagnosis was "drug-induced psychosis". Of course drugs was a important factor for me getting sick, but what came first? drug abuse or mental issues? I guess I will never know. All I know is that not taking drugs does not make my issues go away. I am still bothered by mood swings, depression, dellutions, hallucinations and paranoia. But taking drugs makes it worse.

Taking drugs to feel better is like pissing your pants to stay warm!