I'm so angry right now! I was helping someone out because they wanted to go out so I was finshing of a job for them. Then my mother came in and started to tell me I was doing it wrong and if she new I was doing it like that she would have done it. I felt really attacked, like I was being told of like a 5 year old! So I retaliated, I said somthi g back I'm not sure what now. Something like I just done it how I was told. Then she went crazy at me saying I'm so disrespectful and who do I think I am ect.
Well what am I ment to do? When I Say nothing I get shouted at, when I speak I get get shouted at. what am I supposed to do? I can't stand there being backed into a corner while someone is attacking me!
Mabey it is me, maybe I'm in the wrong. But I Can't help the way I feel or react I didn't plan on it!

Katrina x

I'm having an between kind of day today! Not good but not to bad either. I've just finished reading a book which had me feeling weird, it had a bit of romance in it which made me feel like I really want a boyfriend! I'm generally ok about being alone, I always have been so it's fine. But today I wanted so badly for someone to love me! I know it's impossible, how could anyone love me the way I am, I have to much baggage and I don't love myself so how can I expect anyone else to!
Plus Im never going to have someone like that because I always push guys away I never allow myself to get far enough, it's like as soon as I know someone likes me I put up a wall and the run a mile. It would be nice if I could just be normal, if I could have someone who love me regardless and who could help when I needed help. Wishful thinking!

Katrina x

I am screaming out for help mentally, financially and probably every other way! I recently decided I would go back to college. I started on Monday and I was so nervous about how I would cope with all the people, I live quite far away so I need to leave my house at 7 to get the train. The train I got was so busy and the whole journey I felt like people were starring at me! I also felt that in college to it's so hard, all the girls on my course are really good looking (there's even a model on it, which makes me feel terrible about myself). But I'm trying so hard to get over this I've spent so long suffering and I need to break free it's ruined my childhood and teens, I don't want it to ruin anything else. So I'm going! I may be anxious, I may be screaming inside and hurting but I need to do this!

As I live in Scotland we are lucky and don't have to pay any money to attend college. But unfortunately if you are me, you don't get a penny! I have lost my job and I am completely struggling. Everyone I Speak to is useless, they tell me if I get a job they will give me money. But if I had a job I wouldn't need the money. I want a job I really do! But I live in such a small place there aren't any available. And due to my craziness it's hard. Its taken me so long to get the courage to do this course and now it's becoming impossible, there seems to be so many barriers in my way.

Today when I got off the train I heard some boys make a comment about me, they said " kick her wee a*se she just bumped into me" "haha I'm surprised she didn't knock you out" it hurt me so bad cause I have such an issue with my weight. I know I need to loose weight but I'm not like ten stone overweight more like one or two, I know I'm fat but hearing that really did hurt!

Sorry for rambling I still have so much to say but I'll hold it in for now and get to the point. How are people ment to move on when there is so much standing in the way? I'm trying to improve my life but I can't, it's such a vicious cycle.

Katrina x

I am having an awful day! I was made redundant from my job I wanted to reduce my hours from 26 to 16 due to personal reasons. I then got a call saying I'm being made redundant. I don't know what I'm going to do I have no money and no way of paying for the things I need!
Along with this I feel so rejected! Like I'm no good at anything, it's like everything I do I just fail and people constantly push me away. I really just feel like I want to jump of a cliff I've had enough I don't know how much more I can take.
What have I done so bad to have to deal with all the s**t I have been through! Why do some people get it so good and others so hard! This world is so unfair, people are dying from poverty and illness and then there's people who blow thousands on crap cause it means nothing to them! It makes me so mad!

Thanks for listening to my rant,
Katrina x

I am panicking like crazy!!!!! I'm ment to be going to a party tomorrow, I've been searching for something to wear and can't find anything. Everything I try on looks awful! I'm so anxious about the whole thing already let alone with the added pressure about what to wear. I've been feeling really ugly more than usual! Probably because of this weekend! I've not seen my friends in so long, so I want to go and enjoy myself but I'm not sure I can.
I'm going to see my dr too tomorrow, I've been feeling sick alot lately. I'm really worried about having my belly touched. I hate being touched especially my tummy back and sides! It's going to be awful! But I need to get it sorted.

Sometimes I think of dying, I want it to happen so I can get away from all of this. But I want there to be more I do t want to be gone, nothing, no thoughts just gone! I'm not religious but I hope there is a heaven, there are so many people I miss! My dog died a couple of months ago and it's still killing me.I miss her sooooooo much! I can't see another dog or think about her without crying! She had to get put to sleep, she was soo old! And now I feel incredibly guilty for making that decision.

Katrina x