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reflecting

Permanent Linkby Restored on Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:16 pm

"Where are these scars from?" she asked.

"They're battle wounds," I replied.

She looked at me for a long time. "Who were you battling?"

"Myself."

Another forum user posted this but i have nicked it to put in my blog .... hope you don't mind :mrgreen:

I just really liked it and has made me think alot the last few days about what or who am i really fighting. We all have our 'battle scars' of things that have happened to us things that have left there mark. Other things that come and go and not left a lasting impression. Some of us carry our scars on the outside i know i do i look at my arm and other places and can see the scars i have been left with. All self inflicted but as a result of a greater hurt an innner hurt and pain. There are many people on here that inspire me. People that i guess in reality don't really know but i do know bits of their stories and i am amazed at the bravery, courage, determination, perseverence they show in the face of all the stuff they are going through. But that no matter what they go through they never seem to fail to have time for other people offering words of encouragement, support, a listening, a virtual hug and a huge dollop of humour. I feel very priveledged to have met so many wonderful people on here and that i have been able to get to know a small handful of people.

I look back over the past few weeks and it feels like its been quite a roller coaster. I long for the day when i can stay the same all day all this up and down is driving me crazy quite litterally. In a day i can feel happy, content, paceful, calm, anger, frustration, numb, empty, sad, overwhelmed, teary, lost, wobbly and much more. Its getting exhausting feeling all these things. At the moment i can't shake the feeling of being dirty and disgusting. I cut to get it out and people can say over and over that there is no bad but i can't believe it. I have become fixated on my keloid scars and am desperate to cut them off because that is where the bad must be collecting especially as one of them seems to becoming more and more raised. I have been having several showers in a day or very hot baths. There is nothing better to kill bad things than hot soapy water. I have started using a nail brush to scrub myself clean to make sure i knock all the bad things off to make sure i get the bits that have soaked in to get rid of whatever he left behind. I haven't felt suicidal to the point of actually thinking about what i would do and when for a while, suicide has entered my head but i have been able to talk myself out of it. Tonight though i can't shake it i wont do anything tonight or the next week or so but well im scared that i can't shake the thoughts. Its only been a few weeks sice i was discharged ......

I'm so tired so gonna wrap myself up in bed and hopefully sleep

A beautiful thing is never perfect

A certain kind of darkness is needed to see the stars
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