So tomorrow i have an occupational health appointment i hate them ..... this time i am seeing the consultant because i have made a formal complaint about the doctor who i was made to see last time despite requesting a different doctor. She will not only grill me about how i am feeling about whats been happening since i was last seen in early december and will also discuss the report my psychiatrist has sent her. She also wants to discuss what happened with the doctor last time they are trying to say it was miss communication. I disagree and think its pure ignorance and inexperience but what do i know i'm psycho right?

I don't remember if i blogged about what happened last time so if i am repeating myself i'm sorry.
* She told me i could have done some serious damage when i overdosed in october to which i told her that was my intention
* She asked to see my scars and i reluctantly showed her my arm refusing point blank to show her any where else, when she saw them she cut them
* She told me Drs and nurses don't do this kind of thing
* She asked me several times if it hurt to cut myself
* She asked me why i didn't just throw away my blades
* On a previous ocassion she has told me that my pts need me to get back to work
Even just blogging about it makes me angry and very sad ..... and i am not sure how i will get through tomorrow i have already hurt tonight because of it and im scared to tell her how things are because i have no idea how she will react and what will she say when i tell her i still hear voices and feel like i have a million pairs of eyes staring at me. We will also have to discuss going back to work which right now isn't really on my radar and the thought of it fills me with dread although i am desperate to get back to doing what i love.

I had to return my car on saturday so i am now once again dependent on other people to get places or get the bus which i really hate doing. It has all made me feel like my illness is winning and taking over mylife like things will never go back to how they were 18months ago when i was well. I miss the old me so much and am terrified it wont ever come back to me. Maybe i have repulsed the old me too much and it hates me so wont come back.

Gonna go before my thoughts spiral much more and become uncontrolable because i dont feel strong enough for that right now.