So i have been away for the last 6 and a 1/2 monthsish and now i am back!

It has been some of the toughest moments of my life but also the most worthwhile in investing in myself and learning to love who i am. It has been a hard road but i am now greatful for the life i have. This time last year i was determined that i wouldn't live i was on self destruct and didn't care who i was hurting in the process. This year i am overwhelmed by how much has changed by how excited i am for my future and all the things i want to do in my life.

I owe so much to so many people not only here but irl. I have been shown so much love and support and care even when i pushed people away they still supported and encouraged. I'm so so so blessed!

I'm in the process of sorting out going back to work hopefully in the new year. I have to wait and see what vacancies are available as they don't want me to return to where my job is currently being held.

I can now honestly say that i am happy and have a genuine smile upon my face.

Hope you all have a wonderful christmas

WOW i havent blogged in ages..... oops.

Well i have recently taken a trip to see a friend which i enjoyed immensley, we chatted, drank beer, and wine, ate food, watched movies, chatted some more ... It was so nice to be away and hang out with new friends .... my parents were abit nervous of me being away but was good to come home and say i told you so lol i was also introduced to chilli and lemon potato snacks and am now hooked on them!

My family are driving me potty there are a few problems with my siblings and i seem to be to blame because of my depression and self harm. My younger brother is particularly difficult and has said he would like to shake me and get it out of me helpful! He is also angry at me for causing my family so much pain. Just because i haven't thought of that. All the family upset has left me feeling like i am a terrible person and it would be better off if i was dead and my overdoses had worked. I have to at some point reply to an email my brother sent me but i have no idea what to say so i am leaving it for now.

I have no energy or motivation to do anything and we have now sold our house so we are moving within the next 8weeks which is stressing me out aload. Have to start packing and i can't really face it. Hmmmmmmm

Whinge over

These last few weeeks have been pretty rubbish, i have had the odd good day here and there but its been hard to remember when ive had a good day. I have been feeling so overwhemlmingly numb and empty i am kinda fed up of it now.

This morning i had a glimmer of hope i had an email telling me that an organisation i have applied to for therapy have all the reports bar one which is in the mail at the moment on its way too them. Once they have all the reports they will make a decision as to whether they will be able to help. I am really really hoping they say yes. But part of me doesn't dare to believe that they will then that way if i am turnned down it might dull the blow a little. I have really been hoping over the weekend that i will be accepted due to all the strain and stress i am putting my family under. It feels like all the pain the others are under is all my fault. It feels like the cracks are beginning to appear and too much more strain and stress will destroy my family and it will be all my fault.

Today has been pretty productive i have done 3 loads of washing and hung it out on the line to dry. I have also put some hot cross buns on to bake. I'm just trying to decide on what to make for dinner.

I have tried to write this post so many times ...... I wish i could wrote more positive things but i never seem to be able to find positive things to write about. I'm going to write a list of things i have achieved/ am thankful for.

i have bought all the birthday presents i need to buy for people this month there are way too many birthdays this month
The last 2 days i have managed to get up and dressed and showered before lunchtime
I managed to stay safe yesterday despite wanting to attack myself
I have started to tidy my room
I baked some lemon and poppy seed muffins yesterday
I was honest with my cpn about some things
I have tried to do kind things for myself
I am getting into a bedtime routine
I have managed to make a point of brushing my teeth twice a day
I got my haircut last week in an effort to be nice to me
I have been eating slightly better

For the last few weeks or so i have felt like i am empty like there is nothing in me anymore. I feel numb i can't really say what it is that i feel. I feel like i am dying inside i feel dead in me. I feel like the light is fading and i don't know how to make it brighter. For a long time i have felt like i am black and bad inside and i feel like the black and bad is expanding and growing more and more.

My nightmares have been very vivid and awful and right now i hate every ounce of my womanhood i hate that i am female. If i was braver i would rectify that i have bumps in places i wish i didn't and i would literally chop them off if i could. I don't want to be male either i would be non gender specific if i could. If i wasn't female he wouldn't have done these things to me but i dont want to be male either because he is male and he did these things.

The last few weeks have been a complete rollerccoaster of a ride unfortunately its not been a fun exciting ride like proper rollercoasters. It just seems like a never ending ride again not much like a rollercoaster irl!

Today i decided that i was going to have a duvet day because i feel so exhausted all the time. I thought it would make me feel better i thought it would make me feel relaxed. I feel unsettled and wrestless currently watching Juno .... i love this film i lover her quirky personality. Dunno what ill do after this..... probably find another film to watch i'm so flipping cold right now. It was snowing earlier which made me feel excited i LOVE the snow but it didnt last long or settle but im hoping it comes back again sometime soon.

So i LOVE to bake it is an awesome distraction and always tastes good at this rate if i don't hurry on back to work i will end up the size of a house. This week i have made hotcross buns, white choc chip and cranberry cookies, i also made beef and mushroom patties in a spicy tomatoe sauce nom nom it was delicious. Other things i want to bake this week chocolate brownies with a hint of chilli, almond macaroons, more hot cross buns because they were scrummy, i may also bake some muffins but i can't decide on the flavour ...... I miss working because i now have no money to buy baking things like silicone bakeware it is the future of baking! It has completely revolutionised my life it really has but i also love nice paper muffin cases with pretty patterns on too.

ha ha random post for today sorry about that ... have a million things milling around in my head