I feel like it has all come crashing down around me again. Right now i don't want to be here i don't want to keep fighting and now i think i've upset one of the people who actually gives a damn about me and what is going on in my life. I think she must hate me i know i do. Apart from her i have no one that i can talk to about anything she is the only one who listens to me and doesnt tell me that i am wrong she understands and gets it and is only ever supportive.

I have no right to feel the way i do i have had a good life and other people have had far far worse things happen to them. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it i guess. I feel so alone and isolated and desperate. I want it all to go away and for my life to be 'normal'. The only thing keeping me here is that my aunt commited suicide at new years many years ago and i need to wait until new years is over and then i can think about it again

I have had a really lovely few days christmas day itself was different for us to what it normally is and i liked the things that were different although t was abit odd and i still like the way we used to do things but as things change so do the things we used to do i guess neither one is better than the other.

Have been to see some of teh extended family which was pretty triggering and right now im trying to focus on the here and now and stop myself from 'floating' for want of a better description. I also feel abit frustrated at myself over some stuff i have posted but hey ho.

Hope you have all had an ok few days

I wouldn't normally post about the incompitence of the NHS because i think it is worth its weight in gold ...... that and it also provides me with a job However following my OH appt my opinion of some of the staff who have some how managed to get senior positions in the department suprises me. Because of her my mood has taken a severe dip and my urges to SH have significantly increased because of the many unhelpful things she said. Apparently i should know better, people in my profession don't do this .... apparently when i took an overdose i could have caused some serious damage ironically at the time that was what i was aiming for and then amongst other things dared to question my ability to do my job ..... i know that at the mo i am not fit to work however i am working on it and seeking professional help and hopefully that will mean i can in time go back. I am bloody good at my job and have worked hard at it, if i can't go back to my profession well my life might as well be over. I know that probably sounds dramatic but it is all i have ever wanted to do and i have worked my arse off at proving people wrong and to get to where i am ..... that and i LOVE what i do and if i didn't do this i don't know what else i would do.

Will have to wait and see what my CPN tells them and what the consultant at OH says before i know with any certainty what the decision about my career is ...... it won't be until jan that and also i have psych assessment tomorrow so h,mmmmm yeah lets wait and see

I have spent this weekend making all kinds of chutney to give to a few people as christmas presents ... I've really enjoyed doing it but i tasted the jam i made a few weeks ago and its not nice just tastes like sugar ewwwww so may scrap giving that to people as they will think i'm trying to kill them lol

Haven't written on here for ages my head has been abit of a shed lately and found working out how i feel really tricky. My brother got married last week and it was a lovely day really enjoyed it, although i found by monday night i was really triggered and ended up making some very unwise choices. My level of SH at the moment is pretty controlled i think but i am worried it is starting to escalate it was only a few times a week but the last week i've not managed to go more than 2 days without cutting again. I spend all my time trying to keep myself busy and as a result i am exhausted. My sleep is not good and when i woke up last night i was convinced the man i used to see was under my futon and it took me a while to convince myself that he wasn't

Have been thinking alot about my return to work which is due at the beginning of jan. I'm trying to figure out if i am ready to or not, i have lots of reservations about going back but at the same time i am desperate to be back as it makes me feel so much more worthwhile and it gives me some identity. Also hoping that i will be starting my therapy in jan but won't find out for definate until friday what the plan with that is. I also have occupation health assessment on tuesday aft.

Hope your all well

Have tried to blog many times in the last few days but i can't really find the words i want ....

.....

*So i can't sleep prob getting about 3hrs a night compared to the 10 or so i was starting to get regularly.
*I have no appetite or am regularly binging
*I am cutting again
*I am withdrawn
*I feel a constant melancoloy feeling
*I feel like crying all the time yet feel numb and empty
*I feel alone and isolated
*I feel that all i do is let people down and disapoint them
*Haven't been taking meds i NEED to get better at this and i am trying but i'm crap at doing it

I am going to a wedding at the weekend and i should be excited about it because of who it is that is getting wed, but i am completely dreading it. I dread the unhelpful comments that will come from people like when are you gonna get yourself a boyfriend, when will you get married, you need to hurry up or else you won't be able to have children! Geee thanks just what i need to hear! ..... I was meant to be a bridesmaid but i had to not be one because of how unwell i have been and now i feel completely shut out of the wedding and although my sister who was also meant to be a bridesmaid but no longer is they have kept her involved and asking her to help out with bits and pieces but now its like they don't want me to be there or part of it. I think that some of those thoughts and emotions are illness talking rather than reality but its kinda what i feel. I'm trying to sew them a little pressie to go with other things i have bought them so this is keeping me occupied!

I was so proud of myself because i hadn't SH'd in 5weeks and then last week its like well hello now i remember and now i can't stop. My thoughts are scaring me because i know where they led me last time and what happened. When i was in the shower this morning the thoughts of them not being good enough or deep enough were running through my head. So now i feel like i need to do them but more and deeper. I phoned my CPN becuase i promised a couple of friends that i would and she was like what do you want me to do to help. I was like i dunno i'm only ringing because i told my friends i would ..... I guess in reality there isn't anything she or anyone else can do i am in control of my own destiny and my choices that i need to make ..... she did utter the words day hospital to which i was very adament i did not and will not ever need again. I am NOT going back there things aren't quite that bad but i don't want them to be. SH is apart of me it is part of my story but i don't want it to be who i am forever more i want it to be in my past not in my present or my future ..... She is going to ring me later in the week and i have an appointment to see her on friday too. I am going to make sure i am using alternatives i need her to know how hard i'm trying not to do it but at the same time i am not always doing it for the relief of emotion but becuase in a weird way i like it ..... do other people feel like that too or am i complete freak???? Either way i know its not a good thing. I have started making a comfort box filled with things that make me feel better or make me smile or things that other people have written for me to remind me of what they think so i have been utilising this ALOT lately .... it does make me smile but it doesn't change whats going on in my head.......