I am going to blog about this moment so that if i am having a bad day i can re read it and be reminded of the glimpses i have had today. Feel free to remind me to look at it if im moaning or saying i feel low .... you have my permission to give me a kick up the backside i know some of you will anyway

Right now i feel happy, content, hopeful and hmmmmm good for want of a better word.

I had a long conversation with someone today, someone i don't know very well at all but it is part of an assessment thing for something. It was long and in all honesty i was dreading it not looking forward to it all. I was worried about being judged and not liked and thought of as stupid. Well she was sooooooooooooo lovely. She was kind, caring, patient, supportive and made me feel safe! At the end of our conversation i decided i needed to do somethings to show an active step forward so i threw out my blades and deleted some contacts on facebook and email etc. It feels good to have done that especially the facebook and email thing because i think for too long i have tried to hold onto some very unhealthy and damaging relationships in the hope that one day they would like me. I realised clearly for the first time in ages that that isn't going to happen and i would much rather invest in the relationships here and now not the past they didnt help then and they wont help now. With regards to my blades yes i have thrown them away before and sometimes they have crept back in but now if i feel the need the effort i will have to go to to get one is an awful lot more than reaching for my hiding place.

I am hopeful for my future i want to see change and i want to show the people i love and care about and that love and care about me that i am serious and want to make an effort. I don't want to self destruct anymore that hurts way too much and even if moving forward means dealing with the past its temporary pain for long term gain. I dont want this to be my forever because it sucks i want to tell my story to help other people i want to support others the way i have experienced it here and i want to stand in the huge gaping gap there is in the nhs ..... i know i can't change the world but i can dream

I know i will still have good and bad days but you know i want to beat this monster i want to be the girl that laughs till she cries, that cries over soppy tv, that plays games and can have fun, that can hang out with my friends and forget whatever is going on at that time and can enjoy it, i want to be a super duper nurse that takes on the world that shows the care and compassion i have been shown and show the support and love i think all my special patients deserve. I want to be well and most importantly i don't just want to do it for everyone else anymore because i dont want to let them down but because I want to do it for ME. I want to be a SURVIVOR.

I know i will always have my scars and thankfully the ones on my arm i don't think are too bad but apparently thats all down to personal opinion but it is part of my story its part of what makes me me and will always be a permanent reminder of some of the darkest most hopeless times of my life. But also will be a reminder of what i have overcome of how i am now a stronger braver person who did survive and if i can do so can other people.

So just a few of my many racing thoughts and a huge from me

"Where are these scars from?" she asked.

"They're battle wounds," I replied.

She looked at me for a long time. "Who were you battling?"

"Myself."

Another forum user posted this but i have nicked it to put in my blog .... hope you don't mind

I just really liked it and has made me think alot the last few days about what or who am i really fighting. We all have our 'battle scars' of things that have happened to us things that have left there mark. Other things that come and go and not left a lasting impression. Some of us carry our scars on the outside i know i do i look at my arm and other places and can see the scars i have been left with. All self inflicted but as a result of a greater hurt an innner hurt and pain. There are many people on here that inspire me. People that i guess in reality don't really know but i do know bits of their stories and i am amazed at the bravery, courage, determination, perseverence they show in the face of all the stuff they are going through. But that no matter what they go through they never seem to fail to have time for other people offering words of encouragement, support, a listening, a virtual hug and a huge dollop of humour. I feel very priveledged to have met so many wonderful people on here and that i have been able to get to know a small handful of people.

I look back over the past few weeks and it feels like its been quite a roller coaster. I long for the day when i can stay the same all day all this up and down is driving me crazy quite litterally. In a day i can feel happy, content, paceful, calm, anger, frustration, numb, empty, sad, overwhelmed, teary, lost, wobbly and much more. Its getting exhausting feeling all these things. At the moment i can't shake the feeling of being dirty and disgusting. I cut to get it out and people can say over and over that there is no bad but i can't believe it. I have become fixated on my keloid scars and am desperate to cut them off because that is where the bad must be collecting especially as one of them seems to becoming more and more raised. I have been having several showers in a day or very hot baths. There is nothing better to kill bad things than hot soapy water. I have started using a nail brush to scrub myself clean to make sure i knock all the bad things off to make sure i get the bits that have soaked in to get rid of whatever he left behind. I haven't felt suicidal to the point of actually thinking about what i would do and when for a while, suicide has entered my head but i have been able to talk myself out of it. Tonight though i can't shake it i wont do anything tonight or the next week or so but well im scared that i can't shake the thoughts. Its only been a few weeks sice i was discharged ......

I'm so tired so gonna wrap myself up in bed and hopefully sleep

So tomorrow i have an occupational health appointment i hate them ..... this time i am seeing the consultant because i have made a formal complaint about the doctor who i was made to see last time despite requesting a different doctor. She will not only grill me about how i am feeling about whats been happening since i was last seen in early december and will also discuss the report my psychiatrist has sent her. She also wants to discuss what happened with the doctor last time they are trying to say it was miss communication. I disagree and think its pure ignorance and inexperience but what do i know i'm psycho right?

I don't remember if i blogged about what happened last time so if i am repeating myself i'm sorry.
* She told me i could have done some serious damage when i overdosed in october to which i told her that was my intention
* She asked to see my scars and i reluctantly showed her my arm refusing point blank to show her any where else, when she saw them she cut them
* She told me Drs and nurses don't do this kind of thing
* She asked me several times if it hurt to cut myself
* She asked me why i didn't just throw away my blades
* On a previous ocassion she has told me that my pts need me to get back to work
Even just blogging about it makes me angry and very sad ..... and i am not sure how i will get through tomorrow i have already hurt tonight because of it and im scared to tell her how things are because i have no idea how she will react and what will she say when i tell her i still hear voices and feel like i have a million pairs of eyes staring at me. We will also have to discuss going back to work which right now isn't really on my radar and the thought of it fills me with dread although i am desperate to get back to doing what i love.

I had to return my car on saturday so i am now once again dependent on other people to get places or get the bus which i really hate doing. It has all made me feel like my illness is winning and taking over mylife like things will never go back to how they were 18months ago when i was well. I miss the old me so much and am terrified it wont ever come back to me. Maybe i have repulsed the old me too much and it hates me so wont come back.

Gonna go before my thoughts spiral much more and become uncontrolable because i dont feel strong enough for that right now.

Well its been a while since i last blogged i have thought about it alot but just havent had the energy or motivation to try and write anything so this could a)turn out to be ver waffley b)very long and boring ..... read at your own peril

My new year wasn't a great start i have had a trip to a&e with an admission to the day hospital where i was a patient for about 3weeks. I'm never quite sure what being a patient there will achieve this time they finally sorted out my sleep yay!!!! For the first time in about 18months i have had a whole full nights sleep with no nightmares and not waking up it has made such a difference in that now i tend to have abit more energy and far fewer nightmares helps. For a while it helped with my hallucinations all that seems to remain at the moment is hearing a voice and feeling like there are hundreds of eyes staring at me. Some days this is easier to cope with than others.

I have decided that my care co-ordinator is slightly useless ..... prior to my a&e trip i told her several times that i wanted to die and couldnt stay safe, my GP refered me to the crisis team because she was concerned. I then phoned her 2days later after the weekend because my friend had had to stich my cuts and i had promised i would ring. I rang her and told her i could not stay safe until the friday when i was next due to see her and her response was to get out more and see my friends and if necessary use my crisis plan. I responded with well i might as well just do it then to which there was no reply. So the next day i did just what i had been planning from when i last saw her. The whole time i was in the day hospital i didnt see her once (you should have at least weekly contact) then i was discharged i saw her today and she forgot where i was meeting her and she could only spare half an hour despite my GP phoning her to say she was concerned about my SH as it has escalated this week and has been pretty dangerous and will probably continue to be. She doesn't seem bothered and when i said i would like to see her again next week as it feels like a safety net at the moment she can't squeeze me in and then is on a/l for a week so i dont see her for 3weeks .... so no support for 3weeks after i tell her that my sh is worsening and im scared about the voices and eyes ..... not sure she has a clue. Her solution to everything seems to be filling my day with doing stuff ..... very annoying.

Have occupational health this week oh yay and a meeting with my line manager the manager abover her and HR so a fun week in store for me. No plans for the weekend i feel like being utterly lazy and doing nothing. I get rid of my car tomorrow so have to start using the bus which fills me with dread last time i got the bus a man sat next to me and kept feeling my leg and getting really close = trigger so not happy

Anyway ramble over hope you are all well and enjoy your weekend

This probably isn't going to be the most possitive post so don't read it if your looking for something uplifting!

*I constantly feel low my meds seem to do nothing to help.
*I have constant thoughts about SH and what i want to do
*I have conflicting emotions about people that i should care about but at the same time wish were dead
*I have intermittent thoughts of suicide and thinking of making a plan just have to make it a few more days so that it doesnt fall on the anniversary of my aunts suicide
*No one gives a $#%^ about how i really am
*I could die and noone would notice or care
*I'm tired of fighting to try and make things different to make things better and they just get worse
*This year already sucks who am i kidding that things can or will be any different.