So i'm going to try and blog tonight. I have sat to do it so many times lately but i just don't seem able to settle to do it and not entirely sure what to write.

I've been thinking about what it is that makes me want to blog and it's because i like expressing what it is that is going on inside for me but also im an external processor so knowing other people read it sometimes kind of adds abit of a reassurance if that makes sense.

Things are continuing to go really well. I had a few wobbly days last week where i just felt low and a bit meh but unable to put my finger on why. I began to panic that that meant i wasn't coping with work and that i was going backwards. I took some time on Thursday to process what was happening for me and to work through it it became evident to me that i had 2choices.

1. I could live my life in fear of what was, so live fearing going back live fearing self harming again
2. Accept that i was having a few wobbly days (which is normal for everyone) and allow myself to feel but choose not to allow it to hold me back.

I gave myself a little talking to and decided that i don't want to live my life in fear of what was. I know i am a road to recovery it is a process and i am not a finished product but i am working on myself and am doing so so so so much better than this time last year that i wanted to die. Being back at work is amazing. My head is a little fried by the end of it i have so much to learn and take it and understanding how things work confuses me slightly still. I am feeling settled and think i am going to really enjoy being there. My collegues are all very lovely and friendly and prepared to help out and answer the million questions i ask. Things i worried about forgetting or not being able to do have come flooding back and the confidence and belief in myself is still there. My line manager is very supportive and although knows i have been off for a period of time doesn't know details. She hasn't pryed and hasn't judged me which is so lovely. This week i'm doing 3days in a row which isn't that big a deal really but i'm slightly worried at how i am going to manage getting up early 3days in a row and having so much to take in. I know i'll be fine but its just stuff going through my head right now.

Although things are still really good i have started to have panic attacks again they aren't too bad and for now i am managing them however i feel frustrated that they are coming back. I have also become more paranoid particularly about other people staring at me. Partly because i have had several people in the last 2weeks ask about sh scars. Not in a nosey way but this has made me feel very self conscious and anxious about them. Now i am convinced people are talking about me which i know they aren't however trying to keep these thoughts under control is tricky.

To finish off todays blog, i have had the most amazing few days. I saw 2 of my bestest friends on monday we hung out and we celebrated one of their birthdays. Which was a complete suprise that we had planned. I laughed lots and lots and had an amazing day.

Hope everyone is well and keep putting one foot in front of the other things do get better i promise!

So i have been thinking about some of my favourite things at the moment and have decided to share them with you.

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Americas Next Top Model
Pretty buttons
Pretty paper
Making things
My fleecy blanket
Chocolate digestives
My new trackie bottoms
Hot milk with flavoured syrup
My niece
Planning my trip in April
Baking

well these are just a few for now.

So i have been thinking about changing my username since i came back from living in a theraputic residential community. Every time i logged in it was like remembering how bad things had been and it was a permanent reminder of where i had been. I am not ashamed or embarrassed about my past or the things that make me who i am but i felt that keeping the same username didn't acknowledge that things were different. It felt like i was still living it what was my life for so long. I don't want to deny what has happened in my life but i do also want to acknowledge the change and difference.

I decided to change my name to restored this is because i feel it best describes me now. I feel like i was once broken and my life fractured into many pieces. I never believed that my life could be any different that my life would always be one of dysfunction, self harm, chaos and depression. I feel like the name restored shows that things have changed and that what i felt was lost and would never get back has begun to happen. I have begun my journey of healing and rediscovering who i am, the things i enjoy and the things that make me tick. I feel that i am being restored to what i once was before i became unwell.

This week has been a weird one yet good i think

So on Monday i met with the management team at work and i have organised my return to work which is very exciting it feels like it has been a long time coming. Although i am looking forward to it i also feel apprehensive as i have been off for 18months now. There are lots of positives about going back to work i feel like its proving to myself how well i am doing. Even though i am quite simply terrified about going back and failing, i also worry about collegues asking why i've been off and also comment being made about the scars on my arm. Most of the scaring has faded and is loads better i still notice it and am very aware its there and become very paranoid about people staring. At work i have to be bare below the elbow so covering them isn't an option. I know my scaring is no where near as bad as other peoples so should just get over myself but it is still something that is playing on my mind.

Tuesday i spent the day at home pottering not doing much achieved very little and became mad at myself for it. Today has been nice i spent the afternoon with my mum just hanging out which i really enjoyed and i bought myself a new scarf which i LOVE! It is brown with cream elephants on The thing is i am feeling abit weird. I can't put my finger on it i just feel abit low and teary but i can't let myself cry. This worries me because i feel numb and i don't want to start shutting my emotions off because this never ends well I feel like i have to be ok that people expect me to be like oh yeah i'm great all the time but the reality is that just like every other human in the world i have off days too. But i feel like if i start saying that i'm having an off day people around me will panic and think im going back to my old ways, which i'm not. I had to go to the emergency doctor on sunday night and my brothers first response was why what did she do and he didnt believe my mum when she said i hadn't. Apparently i can't be poorly. I also feel like i'm putting the expectation to always be ok on myself too and i am getting angry and mad at myself for it.

I haven't cut for 3months I'm so proud of myself but in a weird way tonight i am missing it. I guess because in a way it gave me a permission to and a reason to feel bad and now i feel i no longer have that. Also in a weird way i worry that the people in my life will stop bothering with me stop wanting to hang out if i'm doing well that they will think i don't need them so stop being around me. That they will see it as a chance to get away from me that they have all been waiting for this for a long time. Meh just my random stupid thoughts going mad and lies getting in grrrrrr.

I'm also thinking about changing my username on here.
1. because i feel it represents where i was not where i am
2. i feel like i maybe want a clean start
3. i feel like ive changed so much in the last year particularly and maybe my username needs to change to match it

But does changing it mean i am ashamed of my name and that its no longer an accurate discription of who i am so i feel i need to change it so i'm not being false or pretending. Also i don't want people to assume i am lonely like my username suggests. I have a few name ideas just need to decide.

Sorry for the random babble

So i had a wonderful christmas with friends and family it was one filled with lots of fun and laughter and so much hope. Its overwhelming to think of the difference between last year and this. I am so greatul for the people that have supported and invested in me. Being back here has made me realise even more how lucky i am to have had the opportunity i have had. It kinda breaks my heart knowing that there are so many people who need help and support but are unable to receive it. Despite all the downfalls of the healthcare system here it is a bloody good thing we do have it and actually although i feel they failed me in alot of ways im glad it was there and i at least got some kind of help through them.

I am planning a trip to uganda in 2013 for 10 days which is very exciting and i am currently trying to think of ways to fund raise. i love arts and crafts so i am trying to make lots of cards and other bits to hopefully try and sell but i'm abut of a perfectionist and therfore it takes me a while.

Earlier in my week i was really tempted to hurt myself but i managed to hold off so i am very proud of myself for that and now my urges and sh thoughts have gone so yay.

Thankyou to everyone here who helped me through the darkest loneliest moments of my life and who spent lots of time pm'ing me when i was suicidal i know now life is worth it. I only hope i can now support people in the same way. You guys are awesome and i really value this comunity