I have tried to write this post so many times ...... I wish i could wrote more positive things but i never seem to be able to find positive things to write about. I'm going to write a list of things i have achieved/ am thankful for.

i have bought all the birthday presents i need to buy for people this month there are way too many birthdays this month
The last 2 days i have managed to get up and dressed and showered before lunchtime
I managed to stay safe yesterday despite wanting to attack myself
I have started to tidy my room
I baked some lemon and poppy seed muffins yesterday
I was honest with my cpn about some things
I have tried to do kind things for myself
I am getting into a bedtime routine
I have managed to make a point of brushing my teeth twice a day
I got my haircut last week in an effort to be nice to me
I have been eating slightly better

For the last few weeks or so i have felt like i am empty like there is nothing in me anymore. I feel numb i can't really say what it is that i feel. I feel like i am dying inside i feel dead in me. I feel like the light is fading and i don't know how to make it brighter. For a long time i have felt like i am black and bad inside and i feel like the black and bad is expanding and growing more and more.

My nightmares have been very vivid and awful and right now i hate every ounce of my womanhood i hate that i am female. If i was braver i would rectify that i have bumps in places i wish i didn't and i would literally chop them off if i could. I don't want to be male either i would be non gender specific if i could. If i wasn't female he wouldn't have done these things to me but i dont want to be male either because he is male and he did these things.

Hey lonely_girl

I dislike the word "comment" it's like saying judgment to me anyways.
So I'm just here to say I hear you.I too have these feelings.2 weeks ago at my daughters I did something hmmm not good I guess.I was making dinner there and in her knife block I picked the suspect one and stabbed the tip in my hip.it pierced the skin but nothing serious.Just couldn't help the sudden urge or I donno, wanted to imagine what it would be to stabb myself in the heart not f#*^~¥g around this time.
I've been having thoughts of self-mutilation but I'm covered with huge scars already.I would have to hide it well... And once I start it becomes such a rush I lose myself.
So, I need talk myself out of it and I really really like your way of dealing with s#*t by writing a gratitude list.
It's a tool I learned too and don't mind me if I start using it on my blog on tough days.
Because compared to where I come from and this disease has done to me...
I'm not in the same ballgame, he'll ballpark!
But the urges of self destruction are always there.Sometimes stronger sometimes a fleeting idea.
I relate to what your feeling and going through with your family...I only have 1 daughter; she's 28th, and although I did instill good values, the crap she witnessed, the worst of my manias, the cutting, the hospitalizations, saving my life from a nearly successful suicide attempt when 10 years ago when I'd popped 20 gravel, then another 180 pills.She just got this urge to check on me.I told the emts she said I'd crushed a lightbuld and swallowed glass wrapped in a thin tissue so they couldn't pump my stomach.I coded.They reanimated me then life support for 3 days and complete amnesia the following two weeks.Imagine 18 years old having to babysit your 39 year old completely psychotic mother, digging in her cuts for bugs...
I'm filled with turmoil and shame.It's why I'll be going to this bipolar group.
The more I think of the past, the more i obsess on fantasies of cutting, to bleed the shame & anxiety.
I probably am not helpful at all.
I'm just trying to communicate.Maybe if you don't think I'm rotten freak, make friends.I sure need people I can be honest with who wont lick me up for 55 days again...
G

Thanks for your reply type2 .... it means alot that you took the time to respond