bad night write delete write delete psychosomatics unimportant do not describe it do not explain it why is that what was my mistake write delete no one there it is ok it is a certain state i do not wait i do nothing that is what i am forced to forced to do nothing accept being there ok i accept it accept accept the pain i wish i was stop that do. otmwish it adds to it no wishes cut the crap i am so sorry shut up i hate this body and mind is there write delete delete,delete accept it accept accept accept do not fight back but the time is not passing? It passes. Trust me. Don't fight back. 
... Two hours have passed now. No pain anymore, good.
ah, no, it starts again. c.o.m.e"on! 
but this time i fight it i fight it you dont take my place and my existence you have had it already get OUT!
Write. delete. I am 100% disabled atm Another 30 minutes. I do not stand it this way. Stop fighting again. Whoa
Ok, let us double the risperidone...
write, delete. I would like to do something to kill time... read. 5 Minutes. No focus. Stop. I can wait now. Another 30 minutes. Risperidone coming. Wave breaks. Shore. Onomatopoetic. Shore. Shore. Shore. German word for Heroin. Nonsense. I am pro meds. I think I can sleep now. Three and a half hours in total. I am back. This was a quick one. I will function tomorrow. Great.

Dear Ms. Rainbird, when I approach the lake, I hear shreaks and splashing from afar. It is amusing. I calmly take to it up to my knees. May I sit down?

The person I respect is silently sitting in the dawn, silently sitting in the dusk, in good order on a clean floor, singing in between, preparing a meal for the companions, performing responsibilities, avoiding excess, keeping the distance, tidying up, taking her measures. Welcome, inhabit me.

A: we have to face it, life is boring!
B: no, it is nothing special.
A: a-ha. So, boredom means "where is my next kick"?
B: and nothing special means "where is my next drama"!
A: hug?
B: why not. See you!
A: right

 No rush. Not like a movie. No symbols, metaphors, bad poetry. Truth is simple. Where is true self-esteem, intimacy? Beyond images and text.

So much on my mind. Take a coconut shell and make a hole into it, big enough that the open hand fits through but the fist gets stuck. Add some sweets, bind it on a tree and wait until I come along. Caught by greed. I will lay down now and try to forget. Hopefully my hand will open while I am asleep.