So things are rubbish at the moment....

I've not left my room for weeks, my eating habits are ridiculous, and I'm binging and purging so much that my mouth feels like it's burning.

On top of that my mum has been taken into hospital and has had surgery, so when all I want to do is slumo and sleep I'm going to have to face the world and visit her... and take her cat to the vet, and take my gran to the eye hospital. A hectic day is not the ideal scenario in which to drag myself back into the world and out of the dark cave I've put myself in. I was fine in my cave.

Plus my girlfriend is flirting with a lad on facebook.

Oh and I had to see my father for the first time in years last week... surpirse brunch, thanks bro. Which kinda caused all this; doctors med-ing me up. Now the "side effects of depression" which they think are being caused by the pills means they want to put me on beta blockers. whole thing is making me feel like a freak.

Somehow this makes me feel the total opposite to how it should

Sometime when you're feeling important;
Sometime when your ego's in bloom
Sometime when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room,

Sometime when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions
And see how they humble your soul;

Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to the wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that's remaining
Is a measure of how you will be missed.

You can splash all you wish when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop and you'll find that in no time
It looks quite the same as before.

The moral of this quaint example
Is do just the best that you can,
Be proud of yourself but remember,
There's no indispensable man.

Right so I figure I may as well try out this blogging thingy.

To be honest its a crap day; and a crap week; crap few weeks actually; but particularly the last few days.

I've spent the weekend avoiding sexual contact with my girlfriend so that she doesn't realise I've started to harm again; and then blown little arguements up to huge proportions to buy some time on that. Bizarrely; I actually havn't cut since the realisation of how difficult it is to hide from a sexual partner.

But last night she came round to talk as things have been weird recently and she's apparently worried. She's noticed my eating pattern is strange. I think she thinks I'm just working to hard; and grabbing food on the go and then trying to healthy in between; which is her interpretation of the parts she has seen of my pruge binge cycle. She also said i seem down. (guess i'm not as good an actress as I thought I was). I was honest to a point; I was honest that I was having some problems with my weight and that I had put some on which wasn't helping the eating habits. But then she raised the fact that we hadn't had sex for nearly 3 weeks; and was hoping it wasn't because I was paranoid about what she had said a few weeks ago.

She gave me a perfect excuse; so I took it. She was there trying to make up after I had fallen out with her over an off hand comment that I had put on some weight; which I had only fell out with her over as a diversion tactic; and there she was giving me another perfect excuse. I wouldn't say I've lied... but I've been cruel and placed the fault for the downward turn in our sex life onto her.

The excuse she gave me was from a conversation a few weeks ago after we'd had sex; and I had bled slightly - which happens a lot. In frustration she had a vent about how annoying my scar tissue was and how much of a pain it was that she was always so conscious of not hurting me and all that. (with some unkind descriptions too) The comments hurt; but I've always had hangups about that so it wasn't particularly damming to me. But now she thinks it was.

Now I'm racked with guilt.

On top of that I don't think I've ever been more stressed at work; I've worked 12-15 hour days for months chasing a promotion; and now it looks really likely that someone underqualified, underexperienced that is gormless and inefficient is going to get it instead.

I feel really worthless right now; and like the world is looking at me like I'm something nasty they have just trodden in.